I am definitely shitty for this but I looked through my bf phone because one of his female best friends is a little too chummy with him for my liking. My boyfriend is a wonderful human and I am really grateful he is in my life, our relationship is wonderful and I wouldn’t trade it for anything else in the world.
Sometimes you just *know* when something is up with someone. They have been friends way before he met me so I wasn’t stressing it for a while because I trust him as he has many female friends and at some point, I just had to accept that he had so many girlies. I have met her a few times at some parties and she def seemed like a nice person with a very bubbly personality but she is always way too physical with him for comfort and literally stays attached to us the minute we walk into a party. She didn’t really engage with me too much either which was kind of weird since he was telling me that “*she was just so eager to meet me!!”.* So already a few red flags with this chick. I have run into her on several occasions when I have been on my own and she was not the bubbly person I met at the party and would act cold and awkward toward me. I brushed it off because I figured maybe she doesn’t know what to talk to me about or something. She and my boyfriend texted a lot in intervals and recently there’s been a lot more of it. I never had a good feeling about her so I looked through their entire message history ( i know, I am doing too much). Based on the covo history, It seems like she has had a crush on him for a long bit and there are just so many pictures of them together and pictures of her that he took where they’re just hanging out and she doesn’t have a bra on or pictures of her when they went out to eat. Basically looks like pictures that couples take of each other. I asked him before if they ever had a history together or if they ever had feelings for each other and he *swears* it’s always been completely platonic but based on my findings yesterday and I don’t know if I entirely believe him. I don’t think I will bring it up because I tremendously invaded his privacy but now I feel super uncomfortable about the nature of their relationship. Maybe I am overthinking it but should I just let this go, flush it down the toilet and proceed with my life?
22 comments
Was there any flirty message from him?
Is he like that with other girls?
This is definitely not something you can just sweep under the carpet. There is more to there friendship i feel(gut feelings). If they are texting each other, hanging out together taking photos together like a couples and your bf even flirting with her which is far from normal. You should tell your bf what is bothering you and ask him not to get too involved in that girl life. Do not let him took you for granted.
I’d try to be open with him about your observations and how uncomfortable it makes you feel. Set your boundaries and be clear. Draw the line on what you can accept and if he crosses it you can bring up his messages.
He may know she has a crush on him but he doesn’t reciprocate the same feelings. He may not want to hurt her feelings and feels bad not reciprocating.
He might be very flattered by the attention he gets from her and that’s why he gives her just enough to keep her interest and giving her enough hope so she’ll keep giving him her this attention. Most likely he has no idea that he’s doing this and doesn’t realise it’s disrespectful towards both you and her.
It’s disrespectful towards you for the obvious reasons that he’s giving a bit too much to another girl. And it’s disrespectful towards her because she’s being kept on grass and not moving on so she can find a guy who actually wants her. And once you’re stuck in her position it can be really hard to get out of it (I’ve been stuck there myself). If he was truly interested in her he’d be with her, but she might make a nice back-up. Again, he’s probably not aware.
I’m not sure what to do about it. The best thing for her is if he pulls away and only does small talk at social gatherings where he can’t avoid her, so basically going from friends to acquaintances. Even better is no contact so she can get over him and find someone better (for her).
It doesn’t sound like you found anything bad on his part. I’d say she probably has a thing for him but that’s not worth confronting him about. Having to tell him you went through his phone and read their entire chat history, pre-dating your relationship, will just do unnecessary damage.
You should break up before he finds out that you’re an untrustworthy sneak who doesn’t think highly enough of him to give him the tiniest bit of privacy, and then dumps your ass.
I don’t feel like this indicates they like each other… this all seems friendly
Technically, your issue is that you fucked around and DIDN’T find out.
I mean, I’m not going to belabor the point too much, but you took the step of snooping through his phone, a pretty massive violation of privacy, and found nothing that justified your actions. Your impressions of their interactions sounds like it springs from the same well of inherent mistrust that led to you snooping, not specifically from the content.
Let it go. Take this as a sign that no good can come from violating boundaries in a relationship, and spend some time focusing on why you have trouble trusting him. That sort of behavior is much more dangerous to the long term health of your relationship than the friend.
You could just say something to her… Doesn’t sound like he’s the problem
Learned this recently the hard way, never ever repress your instincts. Acting like a couple, pretending it is just ‘platonic’… Some people have a special talent in taking advantage of total trust to the point that you start questioning your own painfully obvious observations.
I am not following what you “found”. It sounds like you found nothing extra. Texts and pictures of them together. You knew they were texting. I have to imagine you have seen pics of them together.
Nothing you found gave you more info than what you knew. He is not hiding anything.
So now it becomes a matter of what your boundaries are. Just bc he is not doing anything wrong does not mean you have to put up with a behavior. If this bugs you to the point you stress about it then sit him down and tell him. Then he can decide what to do (likely tell you to fuck off bc he is not doing anything wrong in his opinion) and you can then decide if its a deal breaker and dump if you want.
Based on what you’ve wrote I feel that you snooping through his messages is much worse than anything he’s done with her while you’ve been together.
Here the thing, you don’t trust him and in turn it’s making you behave in ways that hurt you more then helped you. You can never know the truth of his words, that is a fact- it’s up to you to decide if you want this relationship. It’s not the end of the world if you want something different or more, be brave for you ❤️.
I would not be comfortable with their relationship. Listen to your gut. If that were me, I would be very direct and ask if he thinks that she likes him. I would say their closeness makes you uncomfortable and for you to feel safe and secure in the relationship, you would like him to pull back from this friendship. Not to end it, but to dial it back. Define what that looks like for you. If he’s unable to do that, I would really rethink if this relationship is the right one for you. If he cares about you, and wants to prioritize your relationship, he will respond to your concerns in a reasonable way.
Listen i went thru the EXACT same thing soooo much so that im having deja vu just reading that and im
Telling u right now they do have a history and that girl is NOT ur friend Cut it off now!!! And if he doesnt want to then walk away it only gets worse
Holy paragraph.
I say trust your gut which is telling you there is more between them or the potential to be.Obviously, you been having a feeling that there could be more because of her behavior. You snooped and though there isn’t any hard evidence their messages suggest that it wouldn’t take much for them to be more. I don’t know how long you all have been together but talk with him. Tell him you think they need boundaries and if he isn’t okay with it, then cut your losses and move on.
I don’t get this website sometimes. If you had snooped through his messages and actually did find evidence that he was cheating on you, would this be ok? So which is it, is it OK to snoop through your partner stuff or not? Frankly, I’d be a little suspicious too. I don’t think you did anything wrong OP
I know how you feel seeing your SOs best friend be all about them and obsessed with them but that’s how some people are. My ex gfs best friend was, imo, way to close, rub her shoulders in hs gross, while I was right there gross 🤮 I asked her many times to distance herself cuz he made me uncomfortable with how he acted around her and she tried her best but dude was unrelenting. Talk to your bf and say you went thru his phone. Provided that doesn’t end the relationship right there and he asks why you would do that. Than you can try to explain that this friend of his makes you feel insecure, second fiddle, etc. but most of all you need to tell him you snooped.
If my girlfriend invaded my privacy like that and I found out later I would dump her instantly.
So if you do not tell him what you did you are robbing him of the choice to either forgive you or not.
I also have a girl-friend, with whom I never had anything, even a kiss, but we used to flirt in the early days – we haven’t done so in like 5 years though. I’d still call that platonic. Maybe it was similar with them.
I’m not saying that you did not have anything to worry about, because I would say that she probably has a slight crush and is protective of him, but you should have settled it with him if it made you uncomfortable.
Looking through the phone was a bad move – not saying that makes you a bad person, everyone does crazy shit in a moment of emotional turmoil, but take the lesson for next time and I would let him know and apologize and hope he accepts it.