I’m 20M. Both of my parents left the family. Expected to be a caregiver for 2 of my younger siblings and 2 seniors. I’m a full time remote college student with no close friends.

25 comments

1. This doesn’t have to be on you at all. WHEN your mental health inevitably snaps and your education tanks because of this, everyone will be in the same sinking boat and left to fend for themselves anyway. At least if you leave, this forces your parents or the state to finally step up and do something that should have been their responsibility from the start.

   Let the seniors go to nursing homes, let the 11-year-old go into the system. If you took all the time you are currently using to care for 4 dependents and got a part-time job, you’d have enough money to move out and leave this mess behind for now. Who knows, after a few years when you’re successful and financially stable, you could always come back and pitch in if you want. But this shouldn’t be put on you right now.

2. > My grandma is urging me to keep all this to myself and not involve anyone.

   No shit, because she knows the only people left that you can involve is CPS, which leads to an awful outcome for your grandparents, your parents, and potentially your younger sibling. You know, everyone except you. You can either call CPS, or you can continue down the current path of hating your life until you break just like your mom did. There’s no real advice for anyone to give here, your family is full of shitheads and you don’t seem keen on making the difficult choice of informing the state. I’m no lawyer, but unless you legally signed for custody of your 11 y/o sibling, your parents both abandoning their underage child(ren) seems *highly* illegal, which is likely why your grandma wants you to keep it to yourself.

   This is assuming you live in the US, although I imagine most counties have similar laws when it comes this type of situation.

3. 1. Joe is 18, not contributing, and not your responsibility. Joe can pay his own way. Cut him off.

   2. Report your parents to the authorities for the abandonment of your minor sibling. They 100% need to see consequences for those actions.

   3. If you’re in the US, I would contact Adult Protective Services about your grandma and aunt and see what your options are there, if care is available to help with them.

   4. Call Child Protective Services. Once a case is opened, they can get you kinship care money to help with the 11 year old. Again, assuming you’re in the US.

4. M18 isn’t your responsibility. He’s a legal adult. Neither are your grandparents. Going to a care home isn’t great, but expecting a college student to care for his grandparents and younger siblings is insane.

   I’m most worried about your youngest brother. This is likely to end up with him in CPS. However, taking care of him and just is more reasonable than taking care of everyone.

5. The only advice i can give you is to call CPS. Based on what i just read both your parents abandoned a minor which is illegal.

6. Dear you need to let go….
   You have done the best but it was never your responsibility. Please be kind to yourself and cut your mom, dad, aunt, grandma and your 18y brother off.

   If possible maybe get the guardianship of you 11y bother. But if you can’t then let him go as well.

7. You need to involve outside people. You cannot do this alone. You will break.

8. So you are doing all the parenting and caring for 2 elderly ladies, 1 child and 1 other adult.

   The other adult refuses to help and even resists helping with violent arguments.

   You have no other support as your father has left with his girlfriend and you mother is in another country. They have abandoned their youngest child.

   You don’t mention working, but you mention being a tax payer, that is probably a whole other post about money. I am hoping your father still pays for upkeep, he should be paying for your help as you are looking after his mother and aunt, but I digress.

   What you would have to explore is what services are available for elder care and child care. I say this as it would be useful to explore in case you get ill and cannot do the cooking, cleaning and caring. You need to know how things could work without you and start implementing changes.

   I say this as if you don’t then you could be stuck doing this for at least 7 more years until your brother is 18.

   Your father needs to have your younger brother live with him firstly, he is the parent here not you.

   Then you need more care for your elderly, whatever that might be as they get older, find out what services if there are any that they can access. They may need more help than you can give them going forward so having a plan now is a good idea.

   I would start teaching your younger brother to cook and clean up after himself, that is always useful. it is difficult to make other cook as well but there is no reason that you should be doing it all though I understand that people might not step up and help you.

   Ultimately you need to plan what they would do without you or if you became unwell. Sometimes it is useful to leave for a few days to show them how much they depend on you, perhaps ask your Dad to come and relieve you for a few days so you can focus on other things. He may have deserved to have a girlfriend but that doesn’t mean leaving your responsibilities to your oldest child.

9. 1. Cut joe off. Joe is done. He does not get to benefit from what little resources you do have. He can feed and cloth himself. Do not spend another dime on Joe.
   2. You need to contact cps about your brother. Your father and mother abandoned your brother. They don’t get to do that. Your brother is 11. Your parents have a legal and moral responsibility towards them. Your mother is likely out of reach of the authorities but your dad is still very much around.
   3. Contact adult protective services for the elderly people. They need a level of care and involvement you can’t provide. They’re both one bad fall away from being totally incapacitated/possibly dead (just the reality of their age). You can not safely or effectively care for them.
   4. I recognize you feel a lot of obligation towards your family. However, things as they stand will end badly for everyone. Being proactive and reporting the situation feels like a betrayal but is really the only way to keep everyone safe.

   Above all you need an adult. I recognize that you are legally an adult. However, your father, someone old enough to have a 20 year old child couldnt hack it, so the idea they a 20 year old will be magically better is absurd. Reporting your parents is a crucial step. I also urge you to reach out to your school. There may be a legal clinic at the law school that can help you. Your school’s ombudsman may also help you. You’ll fine that people outside your family will be sympathetic towards you and most likely want to help.

10. >Before you have start posting suggestions, I HIGHLY recommend you read the whole post.

    ​Suggestion noted, and disregarded.

    This is not your responsibility.

    Heed the advice [in this reply](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/ydtmsr/im_20m_both_of_my_parents_left_the_family/itudoba/)

11. You most definitely need to involve a social worker. No matter your mom and dad’s beliefs they can’t just abandon an 11 yr old child. They have legal obligations toward their minor child. Your 18 yr old brother needs to be supporting himself. End of. You have to stop enabling that situation full stop.

    As for your grandma and aunt, they need to be using their social security. If you’re taking care of them fully (which you don’t need to do), then you need have full access to their financials and look into any care giving credit you can get.

    When it comes to your parents cc’s and debt, you have zero legal obligation to pay those no matter what a debt collector calls and claims. Not your problem. Same goes for your parents or other family members tax burdens. The only taxes you will ever be held responsible for by the government or any law enforcement agency are the ones you file in your own name.

    The only person I see you obligated to care for here is the 11 yr old until a better custody situation can be sorted out. You absolutely need to be involving authorities though. You could become that kids foster parent and get paid by the government as a result.

    Either way you need help to sort this mess out. You deserve to be able to focus on your studies and being a normal young person as much as everyone else deserves things. In the end you’re only responsible for yourself. Find a balance between what you need, what’s doable for you, and what you can live with.

12. Call social services.

    Elder social services so they can help you mange and get support.

    And CPS for the 11yo, if the home is safe and clean you can be set up as a kinship parent. The state will help the child out financially and the child’s parents will have to “pay” either with jail time or they will be docked for child support by the state.

    Tell the 18yo he needs to do his fare share of work. He can cook, he can clean, he can get a job to help support. Either shape up or ship out.

13. OP can you please tell us more or give us an update soon?

    the summary of the answers given here are as follows; kick the 18 year old asshat out (18 is a legal age in most countries and that brother should move out on his own already), and file a lawsuit against your parents for “abandonment of child” (speak to your attorney about that idk about your country so it might be different), get the custody of the 11 year old and call adult services for your elderly relatives (grandma and aunt).

    my advice:

    as a sidenote i think you should start putting yourself out there more; gather up money and start to make your own life, find more friends (its easier through social media) and look for a way to take care/take custody of your 11 y/o brother. the 18 year old can feed himself can’t he, he can get a job in most states around that age?

14. Focus on the 11 year old. Going into the system at that age is usually not good. Look into legal aid services and try to get guardianship. The rest are not your responsibility. If you put the elderly relatives into a care home you can be a better caretaker for your brother, more time, money, and less stress.

15. What kind of care do the grandparents require?

    I think there a few paths forward. None are perfect.

    1) take a break from your program
    2) what support does the 18 year old need now that he’s in school? I would do it with kindness but tell him he’s on his own for the most part.
    3) talk to the grandparents. They may have some ideas and/or may be willing to receive less help for the sake of the 11 year old.
    4) if it’s what you want to do, you could put your 11 year old sister with social services. My gut tells me you don’t want to do this.

    I think a big deep breath and a reminder that it doesn’t have to be perfect will help. Focus on what’s most important. I would recommend talking to social services to understand what resources are available to you.

16. Op talk with your grandmother and make it clear that if she wants your help then a few things have to happen. If she doesn’t like it remind her she can’t force you to take this all on so it’s your way or the highway. First and foremost Joe either pitch’s in or gets out. If he doesn’t have much he can try applying for food stamps to free up some money elsewhere. Both Auntie and grandma need to call elder services to see what they’re entitled to. If not grandma can sell the house and move into assisted living. Also whether it’s liked or not report your parents and work on becoming your youngest brothers guardian which will hopefully ease burdens further since he should be entitled to certain services and depending how things are set up your brother could get a stipend. What ever you do don’t let your family destroy you. Do it your way or leave them all to fend for themselves

17. This will be hard to hear and people have said it in other comments but it can’t be stated enough. You will burn out if you continue like this. Not may. Will.

    And from a person who have burnt out, it’s not worth it, no one will thank you for it, least of all you.

    It will feel like you are letting your siblings and your grandparents down. And I’m sorry that it will be hard. But remember that that feeling isn’t true. None of this should be your responsibility. None of this should be on your shoulders.

    This isn’t meant as condescending; you are still mainly a kid, you are adult enough to be your own individual and take life choices but this time in your life isn’t supposed to be you becoming some kind of superparent. This should be you trying out what it means to be an adult to you, try out your autonomy and you should have time to find friends. It breaks my heart hearing how badly your dad and mom treats you.

    It’s noble of you to take responsibility, it really is, but for the love of whichever gods are listening, you need to stop.

    Focus on your studies. Joe will have to learn to deal with his own shit and will if you stop. Or won’t, it’s not on you. If your collage/uni offers housing or you can get some kind of accommodation elsewhere, go. Leave that place and let them sort out their own lives.

    Hope you will be at a better place soon.

18. Whew. A lot to unpack here. First, while you are feeling the burden of this, please know NONE of this is your fault. You had a lot of adults who have failed you and your family. That is not your fault. And it stucks. But, that doesn’t mean you are fucked. Sometimes in the hardest of times, we find out how strong we are.

    Your grandma has some fear and shame around this whole situation, which is why she doesn’t want you to involve anyone. While her feelings are valid, they can’t guide you. You need support, logistically, financially, and emotionally.

    Family meeting time with you, Joe, aunt, grandma, and even the 11 year old. It’s time to talk plainly about the situation you are in, because while mom has promised to pay some bills, other bills might pop up, and mom has not proven always trustworthy. You guys are one bad moment away from complete disaster. I don’t say that to scare you, but to motivate. Talk openly together about what the bills per month are, what needs to get paid. Worry less about the back stuff, just focus on keeping up with things are current as you can, the bills you need to pay to keep them from turning off the water/power/taking the house. Come up with plans to handle daily life (making sure the 11 year old is getting to school etc). If Joe doesn’t sign on or can’t be trusted, so be it (more on that later), but make it clear to everyone that it is time to set up if everyone wants to keep living there. 11 year olds can do chores too. They can take the trash out. They can learn to fold laundry.

    You might find some help for the money logistics of this over at /r/personalfinance where they’ll want more info (what the bills are, who’s name the house is in, is there a mortgage still, what incomes do people have, etc).

    As others have noted, it’s time to get social services involved. Is mom aware dad has left? It might change her plan. If not, you need to get some social services involved, as they will likely have some resources available. You may want to reach out to your brother’s teacher/school, as he is at the most risk situation here, and will be most motivated to get involved.

    Emotionally, you need to care for yourself. As others noted, contact the counselling department at your college. Get an appointment. You have a lot of shitty family stuff to unpack and process. I’m betting that resource is going to be pretty cheap if not free while you are studying there. TAKE ADVANTAGE.

    Let’s take a little perspective at Grandma and aunt. There are two women in their later years, likely not able to do what they did before. They are nervous, because at that age, one bad fall and broken hip can really be the end of things. Their living situation is unstable. They have shame and sadness, as no one wanted to be in this position in their 80s. I’m not walking you through this to tell you to let them off the hook or they are right, but just to give a little perspective as to what their experience in this is.

    Joe also has his own perspective. While you two have gone through the same family trauma, everyone is affected differently and reacts differently. This fucked him up, understandably, but sadly it’s put him in a shitty place where he’s being a shitty person. You’ve started on the path of no expecting much out of him, and you should continue that. He has shown he’s not interested in helping, so don’t any of your own emotional stock in the concept that he will. Is it frustrating? Sure. But at some point you can’t keep hoping or expecting him to change who he is. You can draw hard lines, however, along the lines of “if you aren’t going to contribute to this household, you need to find somewhere else to live”.

    You are a fucking warrior for having survived all of this so far. You are learning life skill shit and emotionally maturity people in their 30s don’t have. I know it doesn’t make it all feel worth it, but you are a badass.

    Finally, you have so many, many great years still ahead of you. Your life now might not be the typical 20 year old college life, but that doesn’t mean you won’t have a chance to have those fun, crazy times. Personal story: I was bullied hardcore in high school. No friends. People threw food at me every lunch. Terrible shit. I came out of my shell a bit in college, but even those weren’t my best years. In my late 20s, I had a good stable job and a wide circle of friends. I went out every weekend and make some crazy (occasionally dumb) life long memories. Made out with random people, woke up in weird places, but because I had learned some major life skills at a young age, my bills were still paid and I still showed up to work (although occasionally very hung over).

    This time in your life is hard, no doubt about it. But it doesn’t mean you’ll never have the fun good life. There’s so much more life to live. You are so strong for having gotten to where you are now. Use that strength to get through this part, you warrior you.

19. First of all, and probably most importantly, is the fact that you need to report both of your parents to Child Protective Services. They cannot just abandon an 11 year old minor child with their sibling. It’s against the law and you need the authorities to get involved. Do not give advance warning to your Mom or your Dad.

    Secondly, none of these people are your responsibility. Yes, they are family, but that does not make them your responsibility. I’m sorry, but this is all happening because you are allowing it to happen. If you are sick of doing it, then STOP DOING IT. Get someplace else to live (just rent a room somewhere) and just pack it up and leave them all to their own devices. Your adult brother, in particular, should get zero support from you at all. Give your grandparents some info about senior resources. There is a lot of help out there for seniors, depending upon their financial situation.

    Be strong. It’s time to stop mothering everyone, spread your wings, and try to find some happiness.

    Good luck!

20. Your grandma is wrong. You need support. Reach out to a children’s aid group in your area. And a seniors aid group. Legal steps need to be taken here and you need a social worker to guide you.

21. Parents don’t get to walk away from their child. I don’t understand how you agreed, as a family, that the dad could leave as he should get to ‘pursue his dreams’???? What kind of lunacy is that? We all want to pursue our dreams but if you’ve brought a child into the world, you don’t get to walk away while he’s 11! ffs.

    **You need to talk to your mom and dad and tell them that one of them needs to come back and raise their child. Period.**

    You likely don’t want to, but CPS will have to get involved if they don’t return…or you can decide to keep your brother with you while DEMANDING your parents pay for his upkeep.

    Aunts and other adult brother can fend for themselves, parents need to sort that out. They can leave if they want but they have to clean up their fu^^ing mess first.

22. Call child and adult protective services both. Report your mom and dad.

23. I want to touch on your 11 yr old brother and the two ladies.

    YOUNGER BROTHER: I have an 11 yr old son. He could crack eggs since he was 8 and he can now make basic dishes. We suprevise the stove but he can do all the prep.

    Time to involve him in nightly cooking, he can pack lunches for both of you or setup other meals.

    OLDER WOMEN: What are they doing? Laundry? Some dinners? If they are just sitting around the house they need to start helping with more with home maintenance.

    If they cannot – then call Adult Protective Services for an assessment. Get them on the list. Tell APS that your dad moved out and you don’t know how to care for older people. Don’t let them brush you off.

    Food: It costs money for delivery, but not for curbside pickup. You can place your grocery order online and pickup when convenient for you.

    18 YR OLD BROTHER:
    Stop doing stuff for him. Do not buy his favorite foods. Do not do his laundry. Do not drive him anywhere or pick him up.

    “I’m sorry but I don’t have time for your excuses anymore. You’re 18 and I’m done. You made me argue with you just to try to get a little help around here and that stage is over. If you want to help your family without anymore lame excuses then you can stay. If I have to argue with you about basic shit – you should move out.”

    Don’t argue with him about anything anymore. Just… stop. Walk away from arguments.

    If he has a change of heart, then tell him that HE needs to create a schedule for house cleaning and maintenance and put it onto the fridge.

    All FIVE of you can discuss division of labor. Obviously juggling needs to happen a bit for 80 yr olds and 11 yr old.

    If you start to get grief from Grandma or Aunt then tell them that when they take over looking after everyone so that you can just focus on school you will happily let them. Until then you are creating a new Family Plan so you can all stay together.

    I’m sorry, this sucks.

24. Your parents are both POS. Your mom left, she should have kicked your dad out, not left you guys. And your dad doesn’t just get to leave and say it’s your mom’s turn. Being a parent is hard, but they chose to be parents.

    What a hard situation. Work on making that brother grow up. See if your grandma can take some responsibility

25. If you don’t call CPS and elder protective services then it’s on you honestly