I’ve figured that I have anxious attachment, and am actively trying to seek help with therapy but it’s a slow process trying to get it.
My boyfriend takes 5+ hours to text me back on weekdays because he’s busy with school and social life. He only texts me when it’s late at night and he has no one else to talk to.
I fear that I’m not a priority at all for him. I don’t mind being lower than school and social life, but it feels to me like I’m the last choice, an afterthought. Is this normal in relationships, anxious attachment, or is this a red flag?
There’s bound to be bias this post and maybe I’m missing some context. Please let me know if I should provide more to give the best neutral POV! Thanks all!
7 comments
That isn’t normal at all. Find someone who is just as excited to connect with you as you do with them.
Have you spoken to him about your communication style?
Different communication styles.
Some people just hate texting. Try to call each other more.
And tell him that you need more communication throughout the day.
The Secure thing to do is *always*: communicate your feelings clearly. This gives your partner the opportunity to show up for you. If your partner consistently can’t (or won’t) show up for you in a way that makes you feel secure in the relationship, it’s time to let them go.
Reflect first. Pinpoint your core need which isn’t being met. This isn’t really about his texting habits, is it? This is about you not feeling like you’re a priority to him. This may make you feel unappreciated and may make you doubt his level of interest in you. Communicate this vulnerably, in an unaccusing matter. Give him the opportunity to show you that your are a priority to him.
Example: *”Hi, I’ve noticed you usually text me back late at night, this makes me feel like I’m an afterthought. What are your thoughts on this?”*
DO NOT make demands while making this request (e.g. “I need you to text me back at dinner time”). Do not interpret his intentions/feelings for him (e.g. “If you really loved me, you’d text me back sooner”). This is unhealthy controlling behaviour.
The goal is merely to raise the issue which you are experiencing: “I feel like I’m not a priority to you”. Give your partner the opportunity to explain his view, think of a solution that would work for him, and to show up in a way that makes you feel appreciated in the future.
It will sometimes take me 5+ hours to respond but it is not because I am uninterested, but rather because I have severe ADHD and a ton of homework
How does he prioritise actually seeing you? Does he invite you to spend time with him? When you suggest a day to spend time together, does he usually respond affirmatively if hes free, or does he suggest you wait to confirm (provided there isn’t a specific important thing hes actually still organising). If he’s busy on the day you’ve suggested, does he offer an alternative day?
Texting is low on the priority list for a lot of people, but that doesn’t mean you are low priority. Focus on whether he makes the effort to spend time with you.
Have you told him you would like to communicate more? Start there. If you let him know you’d like more and he doesn’t try, I’d consider it an incompatibility.