Since I started college I’ve put a lot of effort into trying to make lots of friends. I’ve gone to parties, social events, and even just approached people I found interesting. I get along with most of them well and it hasn’t been hard for me to meet people. The issue is that these friendships rarely develop past the surface level.
I find that most of the close friends I have a few months into college are people who I befriended by accident – either in class, or by seeing them around often. The only people I’ve really gotten close with are people that I ‘clicked’ with immediately (rare) or people that I’ve been forced to talk/work with repeatedly through classes/clubs/etc.
It’s kind of discouraging because it feels like I fundamentally lack the ability to intentionally network with people – something I’m very aware will be helpful for my career, dating, etc. Whenever someone tells me they met a friend at a party or social event, it just seems foreign to me. How did they make that friendship last/develop beyond the specific event where they met?
6 comments
Exactly because your not trying. I was bullied mercilessly at school, and then later when I was in my 20s, one of the guys I went to school with told me that it was because I was trying too hard. He said that if I hadn’t, then I might have been more accepted.
If you go to social events, let everyone else talk and show them that you’re listening, giving feedback when asked rather than unprompted. You might find that they will start to see you as someone they can confide in, and increase your value to the group.
Not trying (and just being someone who seems cool and having a good time, let’s say) is attractive. Trying hard makes people’s spidey senses feel like you are needy/desperate and have no options.
Because it seems insincere. When someone is “trying” to be my friend it throws a red flag up for me. Why does this person want me to like them so much? I don’t like it, smells fishey. On the other hand if you are being yourself, and we make a connection, then that feels real and natural. I like that way better, just be yourself. Not everyone is going to like you, hell they aren’t supposed too. A wise little green man once told me to “Do; or do not. There is no Try.”
I find I put way too much pressure on myself if I’m trying—and the more anxious I get the harder I try and then it just does not work well. However if my goal is to have fun while being social (instead of the goal of being social), it just works out better. By focusing on having a good time with others, I find there’s a little less pressure on myself as I’m prioritizing fun over social—so if its not working it’s okay! Not every outing is a success, but when you can make a new friend it’s worth it.
Perhaps it’s similar for you?
Because you’re not thinking about it and you’re being yourself
It’s super rare to make a friend just from a single (or similar) meeting.
Better to get to know people over time, such as in a group or community.
It can be hard to break the ice at first and exchange contact info at first, but what people actually tend to struggle with the most (in my experience) is really keeping up with, and investing into the person and relationship after that–most of us just flake out on that, that’s become the new normal but it is a friendship deterrent.