My\[27F\] bf \[28M\] really values his family.
He values his family so much that he rarely says anything negative about his parents. I thought his family was really perfect loving family until he and his sister (they used to live together) got into a big fight and their parents gave them the silent treatment in order to ‘fix’ the argument.
I, on the other hand, still love and value my family, but my family has issues (dad is an alcoholic, my mum is super short-tempered). And I am not afraid to mention what I think my parents could improve character-wise, but I still love them, I just do not turn a blind eye.
There was only once an occasion when he was unhappy with his parents but he won’t express it directly. Apparently, they paid for his education abroad and after that, he paid some part for his second sister’s education abroad, and recently he had to pay all for his youngest one as well (cause the second one did not have any savings). He was mad with his sisters (particularly the second one) that they get money and don’t pay him back. I told him it was his parents who needs to give them back the money, not his sisters. He said “no they have done so much for me, I need to do whatever to support them”; sounds sweet but clearly he had anger (a reasonable one imo) and his anger was mistargeted…
Anyway, he does not like putting his family’s dirty laundry out there like I do, fair enough.
But what concerns me is that he has made a couple of comparisons between me and his mum. Just to say, he really admires his mum, it almost feels like every single day she was upbringing him she would tell him “I am a great mum, remember that! Who has the greatest mum? You have the greatest mum!”.
Once he said that I am one of the smartest women he has been with, almost on par with his mum… okay…. another time, since I get more emotional around period which he is a not a big fan of, he told me well my mum never had such stuff happening… okay….. most recently it was about an argument we had and that I do not hesitate to share with friends to get another point of view when he and I cannot meet halfway and he said his mum would never do that, she would always keep whatever happens in the family…. and again since I am a bit more emotional and recently we have been arguing quite a lot, he would say his mum would always stay calm and express calmly no matter what his dad does….
Now I get it, his mum has many admirable traits, but she is 40 years older than me… and married; he can tell me I wish you could express more calmly when you are upset with something and let’s figure out together how this can be done…. but just telling me “oh my mum is X, be more X, go figure it out yourself”…
Am I overthinking? Do many guys who love and admire their mums feel this way about their girlfriends?
2 comments
I’ve dated a lot of dudes and even lived with some of them and none of them have ever compared me to their mother like that. I’m gonna say that’s creepy and not normal.
I did however live with a guy whose mother hated me because I helped him financially after she had refused to and he threw it in her face (I guess she thought I made her look like a bad mom).
Are you overthinking this? No. You’re likely under thinking this.
Someday he may realize that his parents are not perfect and the crash will be hard. Or he’ll never figure it out and he’ll be worshipping her while she manipulates him forever.
My partner adores his parents but he never compares me to his mother. Although we are very different. But that’s a wee bit obsessive and creepy.
If he can’t examine the relationships in his family then you will never be able to have discussions with him about it. He will give your children the silent treatment and get angry with you if you protest. Your mother in law will interfere with your lives and he will always take her side.
Just be more like my mom, is quite frankly, offensive.