Tldr; My girlfriend is emotional, I am logical, we have trouble communicating because I take things very literally and straightforward.
For context, my girlfriend has been sick. Last night I made a few jokes about having to do all this stuff to take care of her, I meant it in a funny cute endearing way because (of course I would take care of her) but she is very emotional and sensitive, especially when shes sick. ( I am very logical) I didnt even think about it but she ended up bringing up that it hurt her feelings and asked me if that maybe I could me more mindful of how I reassure her that she is not a burden because I have to take care of her (or any other time) I said sure! But then she described this very specific sounding scenario where I talk to her very precisely and use a lot of gushy words (she needs a lot of reassurance and affirmation each day sometimes) and she said she didnt want me to feel like its a full time job. I told her that scenario sounded really overwhelming if I had to do it each time she needed reassurance. But she didnt mean it literally, but I took it literally. She said she feels disconnected and a lot of times when we talk like this were not on the same page and nobody is ever satisfied. How can we communicate better? Is there a style or method that works for someone that they could share? I am emotional too but when someone explains something to me in a meticulous and careful way my brain switches to logic and its hard for me to realize and to switch it. I feel so helpless and I want her to feel heard.
1 comment
Okay, so first: it is NOT your responsibility to constantly reassure your partner. Doing that every once in a while on your own terms is absolutely fine, but she shouldn´t require of you that you dance around her feelings any time she feels hurt of offended. Ofc she is entitled to have these feelings, but they are first and foremost her issue to deal with.
My husband and I have been in a similar situation in our first year of being a couple. I am very logical, take whatever he says literally and then offer advice. He is quite emotional and sometimes just wants to vent without me being a smartass.The most important thing I had to learn from that dynamic is that not everything the emotional person says is meant as a call to action towards you. If she says “you hurt my feelings” then acknowledging that is often already enough. Emotional people sometimes just need to tell you their emotions without any specific accusation being the intention of their venting.What she has to understand on the other hand is that just because you don´t constantly communicate emotionally that doesn´t mean that you don´t love her/are not invested etc. Those are her insecurities that nobody can tackle but herself. Reassuring her constantly would be like giving a heroin addict a constant supply of more heroin: you would enable her without fixing any of the core issues.
Once both sides understand those points, having a happy life as a couple is absolutely possible but it can take some time.