Hi!
I graduated from my master’s programme a few months ago, and I’m living with parents while I job-hunt. My relationship with them is pretty good, but a little complicated. They were very protective of me when I was a kid, and not so good with emotional stuff or communication; nothing too big, but I have some tender spots that still linger. While I’m here, I cook most meals, and I eat and watch something on TV every day with my parents. I also go on shortish walks with them several times a week, play video games every couple days with my dad, go on little trips for half a day or so some weekends, and of course chat every day.
My parents – my dad, really – want me to spend more time with them (e.g., he complains if I eat later than them and don’t watch TV with them while they eat). And it’s true, I could be spending more time with them and less by myself / texting friends and so forth. But alone time is important for me – in general, but especially from them. I’m grateful that I can stay with them rent-free, and I don’t want to underappreciate my parents, so I feel a little guilty; but to be honest I already feel a little smothered and I don’t really want to spend more time with them. Sometimes I feel like I need to give them a special reason for them to feel like it’s okay for me to spend time on my own, and I don’t like that. I wondered if anyone could give me some perspective on this? If my feelings are reasonable, I want to set boundaries. If they’re not, I want to work through them. But I can’t tell how reasonable they are.
TL;DR: Living with parents while I job search. I spend time with them, but they want me to spend more time with them, and I don’t want that. How to navigate this?
2 comments
Don’t they have friends and hobbies? Cos this doesn’t seem to be about spending time with them, you’re doing a lot more of that than most people who live with parents. When are you supposed to build a life of your own and hang out with friends of your own? How are you supposed to make those if you’re stuck around these people? This is strange and you should tell them to take a step back. You’re now an adult and that includes being able to decide on your own schedule.
However, it might be that as ‘payment’ for the rentfree thing you’ll have to put up with this needy behaviour. Then get that job and move far asap. Cos usually that doesn’t improve your life unless you can take physical distance. At least then this is temporary.
> Sometimes I feel like I need to give them a special reason for them to feel like it’s okay for me to spend time on my own
You’re still in the mindset of a dependent child who believes he needs to be accountable for all of his time. Your parents are being needy and unreasonable. What are they going to do when you move out?
Set your boundaries. And get busy job hunting, seeing friends, pursuing hobbies, and whatever gets you on the road to independence.