I’m in a relationship (w/w), and we have sex regularly. Even so, i sometimes feel the need to masturbate, on my own, without my partner. When my partner find out i have done so, she gets pretty intensely sad/angry/jealous. It seems to me that it’s about insecurity, not feeling good enough, and maybe about trust.
Her perspective: *I (the one who gets jealous) would say it is mostly jealousy, I think. But I don’t know why. I feel like I am controlling, which I don’t really want to be. And I don’t wanna feel like this; I want my partner to feel safe and have freedom over their own body and emotions.*
We have talked about this and both agree that it gets controlling, as i don’t want to make her sad, and therefore resist doing anything on my own. She however, does still do so herself, which is where my problem with her feelings about it comes in. She recognizes the problem with this and wishes to change it, but doesn’t quite know how to do so.
I don’t want anyone saying that its controlling or bad or telling me to break up with her (which has happened on other post). We know, we want to try to solve this first seeing as she wants to change it and the relationship is amazing in all other aspects.
8 comments
You both should masturbate freely and without any shame, anger, jealousy, etc. It is 100% natural and most people in relationships still do it.
Here’s a thought, do some mutual masturbation sessions too
I don’t understand the jealousy side at all. For me masturbation isn’t at all different than needing some “alone time” socially. I love sex with my wife and crave it quite often but other times I just want some solo time to focus on me. It is almost like my mental health time.
All of us should feel like we can disconnect and have some solo time to discover ourselves and enjoy the mental clarity that masturbation brings.
Her jealousy is not your responsibility. She admits that she wants you to be able to have freedom over your body. *She* needs to figure out how to overcome her jealousy. She may want to consider speaking with a professional.
so she does it but gets mad at you if you do it? This is above reddit’s pay grade, go into couples counseling if you don’t want to break up
My wife once said something to me about it and my response to her has remained with us some 15 years later…”nobody touches me, like me” her response was a laugh and an “okay then”.
The comment here about her jealousy not being your responsibility couldn’t be more spot on. Remain you regardless.
In the end, there will always be you and your hands. Your hands will never cheat on you or lie to you. They will never get tired when your about to explode. Your hands can be trusted. Unless you have a hand like Bruce Campbell on “The Evil Dead 2”.
Lots of men and women have porn/masturbation boundaries in relationships. Heaps of men are intimidated by sex toys. It’s up to the two of you to put in the do’s and don’ts of your relationship. Everyone has different boundaries. But she should hold the same standards for herself if she doesn’t want you to. Or maybe do it together? It could be hot.
Idk, my first thought is maybe it has to do with what she thinks about when she herself masturbates. If its other people then maybe she thinks you’re doing the same and it makes her sad and jealous.