Hey!
I’ve never been good at communicating with other people, I’m very shy and introverted and don’t do well in groups. I also have a really rough time approaching people. However, I like having 1 on 1 conversations, that have a more relaxed or casual vibe to them but are deeper than general small talk. I’m also open to talk about pretty much any topic. But I’m still having trouble carrying these conversations and I need a little help.
I’ve heard that people like talking about themselves. I don’t mind this, in fact I enjoy it because I like getting to know people. I’m interested in who they are, what they like, their opinions and experiences. So I usually ask questions, and try to talk about different subjects and maybe even throw a joke in here and there (I’m not very funny lol).
The problem is that I don’t want the other person to feel like they’re being interrogated. And I’d like them to feel comfortable enough to share their thoughts with me, but I don’t know how to achieve this without making it feel too one sided.
I try to not give any unsolicited information. If the other person doesn’t ask anything in return, I may throw a comment related to the subject here and there, but not more than that, since I don’t want to bore them or annoy them. Maybe the answer is that I need to become more interesting so I have more things to add from my perspective, but idk what or how to do it.
Any advice you may have about how to better this situation will be greatly appreciated.
2 comments
You’re describing a situation that gives the illusion of a great conversation, but falls short in the most important respect. I’m going to guess that the conversation goes well, you get lots of great info, and then the relationship never progresses any further, or you feel like you’re starting all over from Square 1 with that person (or any other person) in the next conversation.
The reason is the goal of the conversation is NOT to maximize the amount of information you’re getting, and it’s NOT to “fill the air with noise,” and it’s NOT to avoid awkward silences by keeping the chatty one going. No, no NOPE. None of that is the point.
The point is to GET A GREAT VIBE GOING. It’s to HAVE SOME FUN. It’s to CONNECT.
Doesn’t that sound like a better conversation?
How does THAT happen? It happens by becoming an active participant and getting involved in sharing some positive emotion with the other person.
Although words are the “vehicle” for the conversation, they are not really the POINT. That’s why I mention that WHAT you say matters far less than HOW you say it. In fact, I could give you a “perfect script” for a conversation (and the magical ability to utter the right words at the right time) and that STILL wouldn’t do the most important thing. Which is to CREATE THE CONNECTION.
That’s almost totally emotion-based, whether people realize that or not. People don’t remember what you say as much as they remember HOW THEY FELT when they were with you.
So the idea is to relax about the actual content of the conversation, and be more aware of the emotion/feeling/vibe you’re putting across.
I summarize this in a method I call PIE: Positivity, Interest in others and Enthusiasm, with Enthusiasm being a very important (but often missing!) quality that people really value.
As far as mechanics, take what they say and LINK to it with a relevant comment, question or insight of your own. But again, do it with a bit of PASSION for: yourself, the other person, Life Itself.
Think of your own history not as a set of facts or details, but instead as a NARRATIVE to how you became who you are. And as you look at each of your current days, NOTICE things that happen in your life that are: interesting, unusual, heart-warming, funny, informative, entertaining, frustrating, etc. Those types of things make for some great short content to share with people in conversation. Key: share it with ENTHUSIASM.
You have to give them something to latch onto in terms of getting to know YOU. That’s what makes it a conversation, not a monologue.
You don’t have to wait for the person to ask, if you hear something that relates, offer the story/tidbit yourself, then return to the what the other person was saying. Ebb and flow, back and forth, but with some POSITIVE SOCIAL ENERGY.
That’s how to get a Great Vibe going.
Good luck!
In being preoccupied in how the conversation is going, the other person might pick up on that and feel a disconnect between the two of you. I say that once you get the conversation started, to hell with all of the “rules of conversation” and the only rule is to not be a self important asshole, which you really don’t seem to be