Way easier said than done. It’s a pet peeve of mine to read the comments in this sub after a good post and 95% of them are just people rudely telling the poster to talk to their partner. Do y’all really think we haven’t tried this before? Or does it not occur to you that maybe our partners have been shamed a lot more than us when it comes to things like this, and we’re trying to get advice about ways to bring it up COMFORTABLY for them. I wish the people in the sub were a little more understanding and a little less judgmental when they’re telling posters over and over again to talk to their partners. We all know that’s the key…what would be HELPFUL would be suggestions about different ways to bring up hard topics like this when your partner might be working through sexual repression obstacles.
People out there who are like me and trying to find ways to communicate better about sexual topics with their partners- one thing that I’ve that has worked well for us is when we find ways to communicate with each other without having to do it face to face. I’ve done things like printed off questionnaires about sex with questions like your favorite place you’ve ever done it, your favorite sexual memory with them, your favorite place to be touched, etc. We both filled it out during the week, and then spent a Friday night reading each other’s answers and talking about it and then having some amazing sex afterwards. These are the kinds of suggestions that would be helpful when we make posts on the subreddit asking for advice. Please don’t be that jerk that decides to be snarky and sarcastic and tells them “wouldn’t it be nice to open your mouth and use words to tell your partner how you feel”. Anybody who has been on the sub for more than 5 minutes knows that is the answer. Try to help your fellow humans out here, and don’t be such a dick.
I genuinely enjoy listening to other people’s experiences on this sub, I just wish people in the comments would be a little bit kinder and a little less snarky.
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The reality is that most people do NOT communicate well at all. “I’m too shy to ask”, “I don’t want to hurt feelings”, well communication is the key and a lot of people don’t get that
“Buh i dun wanna learn how to talk to my partner, weddit, pwease give me my partners cheat codes”
Mate the reason we dont give you a straight answer is *it doesnt exist*
Its different for everyone, theres no one clear answer to these questions
*YOU* need to actually take some fucking effort to learn about *YOUR* partner, no one can solve that puzzle for you, this is the work you have to put in for a healthy sexual relationship, if you want literally any fucking better, see a sex therapist together. Reddit isnt your ‘Diary of the half blood penis’, we can’t tell you secret special ways to do this.
Edit: some typos
Honestly, I don’t really understand what’s wrong.
What kind of relationship is that when you can’t freely talk to your partner about anything? An early two-weeks-in one?
If your in a committed relationship and you don’t feel comfortable enough to talk to your partner. Specially something that is important or really bothering you then maybe it’s time to rethink your relationship. Your partner should be pretty much the one person you should be able to feel like you can freely talk to them and not have them judge you in a bad way. Or take a step back and see if because of your past your making it this a barrier for you and seek theraphy. A relationship should be based on trust and communication to have a healthy relationship, so if you don’t feel like you can talk to them that’s problematic.
I think the word ‘Talk’ is often used as a crude alternative word for communicate and when people suggest ‘talking’ to one’s partner, they actually mean communicating in whatever way is most comfortable.
Talking about sensitive subjects is never easy and there are a lot ofbways talking can go wrong. Things can come out the wrong way in conversation and not in the way they were meant and that could make things worse than they were to begin with.
I agree that communication is the key to resolving issues in any kind of relationship but how it’s done can make or break one.
Your approach is pretty adaptable and innovative and I can definitely use some of your tips because I’m not a subtle communicator. I say what’s on my mind and in some cases, I can be brutal with my choice of words though it’s never to pick a fight. It’s just the way I communicate when I have a conviction. I’m direct and people can get hurt so it’s a challenge finding ways to soften the tone. The irony is that I’m a writer in my free time so communication should be second nature. 
Isn’t it amazing when you make a post about asking people NOT to be snarky judgemental jerks and have a minimum of empathy for fellow humans that do no work the same way, and you get…comments from snarky judgemental jerks, making fun of the point you’re trying to make.
Newsflash people: amazing, commited, long-term relationships can involve partners who suffer from trauma, physical and mental health issues, insecurities, lack of knowledge, all of it impacting how they perceive direct communication abt sex. Tips and tricks are not meant to be a shortcut or alternative to communication, but rather a way to incite it in a stressfree way for both partners. Instead of pissing on people who can’t come up to their partners and say “hey, sex talk now, me not satisfied”, let’s try to help those who try to support their partners, by letting their needs known without creating a toxic space for their partners. Let’s chose not to be dickwads today.
Kind of like “you can just Google it” on other kinds of posts.
If talking isn’t an option due to trauma or shyness or what have you and the poster wants alternative communication methods, it’s on the poster to he specific and ask for that.
>Do y’all really think we haven’t tried this before?
Yes. 99% of the time that’s the case and the op will respond in the replies with “okay I’ll talk to my partner”
If you’ve already talked to your partner, you should mention that in your post.
>we’re trying to get advice about ways to bring it up COMFORTABLY for them
Again, you should mention that in your post.
When asking for help you need to be clear in communicating what you’re asking for exactly and what you’ve tried already.
Your issue here doesn’t seem like it’s caused by the sub but by your infective communication.
I think most people who post here know that that’s the only solution to their problems. I think they come here not to be told they need to communicate with their partner but for reassurance that their concerns are valid, and that their partner should take them seriously.
A lot of posters are worried what their partner will think and being told by a bunch of people on the internet that if it upsets their partner it isn’t the posters fault gives them the confidence they need to finally talk about it.
Yeah it can be lame to see the same 4 types of posts over and over but if we only had nuanced, complex and completely new conversations all the time then we’d run out of conversations to have pretty quick.
I like to think of these posts as the standard background content for this sub. It’s like pictures of people quitting in r/antiwork , I just got my first skill to 99 posts on r/2007scape , “I’m not like the other gen Z’s because I don’t mind gay people I just think they shouldn’t be making it their whole personality” posts on r/teenagers and r/trueoffmychest or popular opinions on r/unpopularopinion.
The way I see it at least we help people here. Some subs background posts are suuuuuuuuuuuuper bad.
“Do you really think we haven’t tried this before”
– bro honestly with most of these posts no I don’t.
Don
Respectfully – a lot of posts in which I have seen the advice “talk to your partner”, the poster doesn’t mention if they have or not – and all we can go on is the information supplied in the post, so if it’s not included, I know personally, I never assume anything as a given unless it is in the post. Also, there are plenty of them which detail things they’ve done like give “hints” or tried to get them to do x by trying to play games. That is NOT talking to your partner, so of course, the advice will be “you’re making this a lot harder than it needs to be, just talk”. Also, as KinkyInColo has said, the reality is that many people do NOT communicate at all – blaming shyness or not wanting to hurt feelings. My opinion is that if you are too shy to talk to your partner – someone you are supposed to feel comfortable enough around to let your guard down and be yourself – then perhaps the relationship is in more trouble than the poster thinks.
Yes, of course, some of the comments do come across as rude or aggressive (people have replied to comments of mine in this fashion many times), but the majority of the ones I have seen have been suggesting it as an as-yet-untried tactic, or instead of hints and games.
FURTHER THOUGHT: Even if all of the information is given in a post (which, let’s face it, can NEVER be the case as it’s impossible to completely describe how a person will react in every and any given situation), the poster is basically asking people who know NOTHING about their partner how to talk to their partner – how on earth could any of us know better than the poster? They are the one who sees their partner and knows their personality and how sensitive to certain topics they are.
Reddit is not therapy and can’t help getting over personal barriers because of a difficult past.
Like 50% of the post is about some sort of assumption OP has about their significant other. If you give advice on that you’re giving advice on assumptions. You know how you confirm or counter the assumptions ? Communicate, so basically that’s the only advice you CAN give.
I mean half the time they even mention they haven’t talked. Or the other person is so batshit insane I just want to trow my phone out the window.
Literally 80-90% of the issues that people post in this group can be solved with proper communication, so your post about people saying “just talk to them” answers doesn’t help is really stupid in my opinion, because like others have said no we don’t know if you have tried that already and if you want different advice ask of it and for the time it took you to right out this long post you probably could have told your partner about whatever issues that you have and they could probably be solved, so don’t hate on us because we aren’t giving you the answers you want if you don’t tell us what type of answers you’re looking for.
Honestly in most posts I read, I dont believe they talked with each other. Next thing is that in most cases they word their feelings really good and just have to say what they have written in the post word by word. So the answer: Just talk to them! Is a very valid comment. Bc what do you want more if you can express your feelings exactly the way you feel?
I don’t know why this is getting downvoted so much. I think when the source of issues is about communication, many folks jump straight to the perspective OP is having their grievance against.
Communication *is* key, no one is disagreeing there. But the thing is, many of us have grown up in sexually conservative or repressed environments and we came to this sub not just to get advice but also to affirm that what we want to say to our partner(s) is correct or if we should approach it differently. While I’m happy I’ve reached a point where I can feel completely comfortable talking to my partner about anything, I don’t let myself forget that different folks battling internalized repression are at different stages of liberation and for most of those folks, a forum like this is a starting point.
This forum shouldn’t be for judging; just because you have a skill or knowledge or internal liberty that someone else has not realized yet does not mean you should go to bashing that someone else. It reeks of a type of privilege. Instead, I do think we can do better to say “You should talk to your partner and here’s how…”. I think we can teach each other instead of making each other feel bad.
Lol or how everyone loves to just tell ppl to go to therapy & that’s it. Like it’s the most ground breaking idea that took up so much fucking time & brainpower to type out, so it’ll definitely be the *most* helpful thing to repeat to the poster 40 times, right?🙄
People just love to be Assholes in the name of being “helpful…..” *especially* on Reddit.
If you are coming to Reddit for advice, you get what you pay for.
Been married 7 years.
The best advice is just talk to them. You have to learn how to communicate your desires and thoughts and you also need to develop the ability to listen.
My wife and I sucked at this before we were married and one/two years into being married before we actually learned to communicate and it has turned the relationship into bliss. And it basically was just learning to talk to her, instead of just keeping it balled up to yourself (which I was extremely guilty of for years)
>Do y’all really think we haven’t tried this before?
Doesn’t feel that way tbh.
If you are in a relationship and you can’t talk to your partner than you have much bigger problems than sexual.
Of course the main answer is going to be talk to them. It really is the only answer.
Most people don’t know how to talk to people anymore because they spend so much time anonymously on the internet instead of actually speaking to people face to face.
The uncomfortable part is the answer. I get it. Yes, Reddit is full of people who like to give one line answers that are glib and snarky and usually they are not helpful. To be honest, I think a lot of replies meant to get upvotes for their snarkiness or even their angst. They aren’t helpful or appreciated.
However, most people who come here for advice have not talked to their partners so that is the first and best piece of advice we can give. As far as how to do that. It would be helpful to have more actual techniques or methods. Explain what you have already done and ask directly for different ways and include what you would be comfortable doing and not comfortable doing.
In the end though, just like most things in life, the uncomfortable thing you don’t want to do, is probably the thing you need to do. Sex could be so much better for so many people, but it does take being vulnerable to your partner. If you can’t stick you neck out and risk being humiliated then you are not going to be able to get your point across and at some point you will need to got over your hesitation at being vulnerable. Risk and being vulnerable to each other is at the heart of good sex and a good solid relationship.
Some ask for advice on ways to bring it up, but your rant is for nothing because the vast majority literally haven’t even thought about trying.
I’m a sex educator and unfortunately, “Talk to your partner” is the advice that most people need and don’t want to hear.
Obviously the main reason most people haven’t talked to their partners about their sexual issues is that they’re afraid to, because they’re afraid of how their partner might react. But they do need to be reminded that talking to their partner is the ONLY way their problem is ever going to be solved.
I try to be gentle and encouraging in my replies, but at a certain point, it often seems that people are more committed to their fears and worries than they are to actually solving their problem. And if that’s the case, there’s not much I can do to help them, aside from sympathize (which I do).
>Do y’all really think we haven’t tried this before?
In many cases I think exactly that because the person making the post specifically says it.
>and we’re trying to get advice about ways to bring it up COMFORTABLY for them.
But the question isn’t it usually “how do I talk about x with my partner?” it’s usually ” do men/women like x” or how do I make my partner cum from oral” or something much more specific to one individual that only they can answer.
It’s also incredible how many people don’t talk to their spouse about things and think random redditor can solve their problems.
No easy way to comfortably bring up uncomfortable topics so literally the ONLY thing to do is just talk… and have a laugh about whatever is seemingly uncomfortable…. the laughter will make it seem less uncomfortable.
1. You would be shocked how many people respond to the “just talk to them” responses with “but I don’t want to! That will be awkward!” So many people do not want to talk about sex, it’s a thing, so actually yeah, lots of people need that advice.
2. If you are in a situation where you’ve already tried solving it through communication and it didn’t help, responders can not help without knowing how it went, what you tried, and how it went wrong. If you want specific help on how to communicate you need to include specifics.