I have 2 kids, a toddler son and a baby girl, and live with them in a block of flats.
I gave birth to my daughter just over 6 months ago, and about 2 months ago my mother came to visit me, saw that one of the units in my building, 2 doors down from me, was empty, and decided to take it. I did not know this until 2 days before she moved in, and I tried to gently urge her to not move into my building, but I was too gentle and she moved in anyway at the start of this month. Her reasoning was that I am a single mother to 2 young kids and need help, and before this she was living about 4 hours away and wasn’t able to give me that help, but living closer meant she would be.
My mother invites herself over at least once per day. She’ll come over, knock, and if I ignore her she’ll just keep knocking. There have been times that her knocking has woken my kids, and occasionally me. I have tried pretending to be out but she knows I barely leave the flat as I work from home and have no childcare. She also somehow knows when I have guests over, and when a male friend came over she scared him off, and when my dad (45m) and stepmother (43f) came over to watch the kids for a while, my mother scared them off, too. I have also had to move my spare key after she let herself in while I was sleeping. She claims she was there to tidy up. I think she was there to snoop. I’m also having issues with my ex-mother-in-law, my son’s grandmother, and my mother has been interfering.
I tried to compromise by suggesting that instead of coming over at random times, she comes over for dinner a few nights a week, and she accepted that, and then brought wine to leave at my place. I am lifelong teetotal, and do not mind other people bringing alcohol to my place, but would rather not keep it here and do not want to partake, all of which she knows. When I reminded her of this, she called me boring and tried to get me to drink with her anyway. I also thought the set dinners would make her come over less, but the random visits have continued, plus now she comes for dinner.
I’m at my wit’s end with her, but I’m very aware that not only is she my mother, she’s also my neighbour, so whatever I do, the consequences are going to be 2 doors down from me.
What can I do about this?
TL;DR: My mother is my neighbour and she’s driving me crazy, only 1 month into her year-long lease. What can I do?
18 comments
Does your mother provide you with any help at all with child care?
I think the only solution is to move and not tell your mother where.
Well, you can try to get out of your lease, if it’s expensive you have to choose how much your mental well-being is worth.
Start doing things in your schedule — tell her you’re dropping the kids at her place at x day y time, don’t explain, if she tries to say should be at your place just say no, that doesn’t work. Just keep repeating no, it doesnt work. If she has a problem with it just go with “I need help here. I thought that’s why you moved here.”
If you give her JADE — justify, anger, defend, explain — she will just poke holes and you’ll end up arguing about some minuscule detail and she will act like she won.
If you want to soften a “please leave,” one good is “I want to be alone with my children. I’m sure you understand.” And just keep repeating. Do not deviate.
The focus is you can’t change her, you can only change yourself and your actions. So google up the grey rock method, put your mother on an information diet and start placing boundaries. Like “no uncalled visits after 5pm” and “no uncalled visits on weekends before noon” and STICK TO THOSE. Do not let her in, repeat your rules slowly and ask if she understands until she leaves.
Good luck, you’ll need it.
If you want her to stop, you need to stop being so polite about her intrusions. No more gentle “please don’t do that”. And I’m not saying that’s easy, but that’s what you need to do. Your mother sounds like someone where if you give them an inch, they take a mile. So your attempts at appeasing her are just encouraging her to demand even more.
If she knocks, you open the door, tell her you’re busy, and you close the door. She’ll guilt you about it. You’ll feel like you’re being rude. But that’s what people like her rely on; your fear of being confrontational, of upsetting her. If she gets upset, let her be upset. It is her own actions doing this.
Let her whine and guilt and pout. And stop letting her into the apartment when you don’t want her there.
You have to be firm and stop this because she’s wreaking havoc on you and not providing anything resembling help, by your own account. And why? Because she’s your mother? If that’s the only excuse, it’s a weak one.
You need to stick to your rules instead of letting her walk all over you. She comes a-knocking? Text her: “We can’t see you now. Please leave.” She continues: “Please stop making that noise. We can’t see you now.” She continues: “I will call the building management / police about disturbance if you don’t stop right now.” She continues: follow through – I guarantee she won’t make that mistake twice.
Let your family and friends know about the issues too and be clear with them: “Mom is not to watch the kids.” etc.
Sure, she will be angry, but it’s either her being angry or you and your kids getting harassed. This is not a situation where everyone can win. Choose yourself and your kids.
What a nightmare!!
But truly you have more power here than you realise. Simply do not answer the door to her (or phone, or texts) unless it suits you. I know that’ll be annoying but surely less annoying than having her in your space. You need to teach her that you mean what you say.
Tell her next time she barges in unannounced you are going to call police for harassment. If she ignores call the police that should be a good warning. Tough lough is required here in my view
She will never stop until you set firm boundaries with her and it will probably result in her being angry but you have the right to privacy.
Your mother is intentionally isolating you disregarding boundaries. She isn’t being polite, so you don’t need to either. Set firm boundaries abs enforce them. Tell her she needs to ask you via phone if she wants to come over, and you will not be answering the door otherwise. Let her keep knocking. Do not let her keep alcohol at your place. When your lease is up, move and do not give her your address. I would also suggest therapy to help develop boundaries because she sounds unhinged and has probably damaged your normal meter.
Yeah, I agree with others. Let her knock and don’t answer the door. If she keeps trying and escalates her behavior, talk to someone who manages the building to have her back off. If they say “but it’s your mother”, remember them that she is your neighbor first and you live alone and she is making things difficult for you.
I haven’t seen anyone suggest this but you have a landlord for a reason! Contact them! Let them know your next door neighbour is harassing you and entering your apartment without permission and you’d like him to deal with it! Talk to your mother and set boundaries! “You can’t come by my apartment everyday”, “you aren’t allowed to scare off my guests”, “I’m not keeping your booze here.” **she has no power over you! no is a complete sentence!**
It’s time to grow a spine, sit her down and lay out the rules.
1. She must call or text and ASK if it’s a good time to drop by and unless you confirm that the answer is “Yes”, she is not welcome. No unexpected visits EVER.
2. No knocking on your door unless she’s already cleared her visit with you (see Rule #1). Waking up the babies with prolonged knocking is rude and inexcusable.
3. No liquor at your place. It’s YOUR home and you don’t want booze in your home. If that’s boring, so be it.
4. She is never to let herself into your apartment for ANY REASON without prior permission.
5. If your in-laws are watching the kids, her services are not needed.
Seriously, lay down the law. And read this essay on guilt I found on Reddit.
_______
For the feelings of doubt and guilt you are experiencing:
Guilt can be a helpful feeling when you’ve wronged someone, because it helps you hopefully make better choices in the future and grow to be a better person. However there are times when guilt is what my therapist called “inappropriate guilt”, and that’s when you feel guilty over things you don’t need to, don’t deserve to, or shouldn’t ever feel guilty for. Oftentimes we feel this inappropriate guilt when others get upset over or strongly disagree with our choices/boundaries, especially if they also guilt trip us about it.
I’ve dealt with inappropriate guilt many times in my life before. My therapist recommended me to go through these questions and phrases when I’m wondering if my guilt is “appropriate” or “inappropriate” guilt:
* Why are you feeling guilty?
* Did you actually do something wrong or cause real harm to the other person? (And no, them being inconvenienced or upset that they didn’t get their way is NOT harm!)
* Or did you do something innocuous (not harmful) that the other person just doesn’t want you to do?
* Does the other person have an ulterior motive for making you feel guilty?
* Is the other person a reasonable, trustworthy person? Or do they have a history of manipulation, mooching, selfishness, guilt tripping, and/or cruel behavior?
If you did do wrong then apologize and make things right with the person you wronged/harmed.
However if you didn’t do anything wrong and they’re guilt tripping you then reminding yourself of these phrases might help:
* You’re not responsible for other people’s emotions or how they choose to react to your decisions. If your actions aren’t harming anyone, yet someone else chooses to be upset over it anyways, then that’s their choice to make- let them be upset!
* You are not responsible for other people’s (or their children’s) mental, emotional, financial, or physical well-being. It’s on them to take care of themselves and their dependents, not you.
* It’s ok to disagree with other people over your choices.
* It’s ok for other people to be upset over your choices.
* It’s ok to say “no” to something that harms or inconveniences you, or even if you just plain don’t want to do it.
* Just because someone is upset it doesn’t automatically mean you did anything wrong. Sometimes people get upset just because they’re not getting their way.
* It’s not your job to fix the situation or their emotions. Their emotions are their responsibility to manage.
* Being a good person does not equal being a doormat! You can be a kind, generous person and set healthy boundaries, refuse to tolerate disrespect towards you/your loved ones, and not allow others to take advantage of you.
* You matter too! Prioritizing your mental, emotional, financial, and physical well-being is important.
* Don’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. If helping them hurts you, then say no!
Start by telling her that just because SHE decided to move doesn’t mean that she is entitled to see you more.
Treat her like any other neighbour. If she won’t stop knocking or bothering you report her to the building super and even to the police.
She’s crossing so many lines and needs serious consequences.
Send a text. “Mom I love you and I really appreciate you’re here to help but I still need my space, sometimes I’m not up for visits. Please text me before stopping by, and if I don’t respond or I say no thank you, do not come over or knock. Even though I work from home I still need days where I can recharge from work and just spend time with the kids. If you want to make plans in advanced please ask me 2 days prior. If something came up you literally just have to call and ask but you need to respect the fact that you will be told no sometimes”
You’ll have to start treating her just like you would any other neighbor who bothers you. Do report any noise from her/knocking to the landlord.
Lie and tell her you’re moving because you need space. If she doesn’t follow the rules you will move and not tell her where. See if she listens to the rules after.
You set boundaries.
“Mom, your help is often appreciated but it has gotten to the point of where I have to worry about you coming over. I don’t have a home to myself anymore because you come over TOO MUCH. You knock at the door until I come to open it for you. You have snuck in the house before without telling me. You’ve bothered guests and scared them into leaving. If you keep doing this, I will move and not tell you where I move to. Do you understand? You will text or call me ONCE when asking to come over, and you will accept my answer of yes or no. You do not knock on the door anymore.”