Hello guys..
I need some insights
I(f27) broke up with my ex boyfriend (m29) because he cheated on me with his ex after two years of being together.. Later on I found out I’m pregnant and I decided on having an abortion. I let him know and he was on board with it. I was more hurt when he wanted me to do it.. I feel like I’m killing a part of me.
But i’m trying to move on with my life.. the process has been really hard on me since I was deeply in love with him .. the abortion is weighing on me as I will be doing it all alone.
Because how can I bring a child to all this fucked up mess ?
How can I keep it while I’m single to my core ? with 0 financial stability or even a shoulder to cry on?
On top of all of that, the idea of him going back to his ex girlfriend poisons my everyday life.
I don’t know how to get over this, just when I think I’m feeling good and over it .. the idea of them being together is bringing me down again and crushing every fibre of my being. I feel so broken inside carrying this baby inside of me, I can barely eat or just be normal again. I had pictured us getting married and having a life together.. all of that is crushed now.
Im currently on vacation with my mother and I’m supposed to be enjoying my time but she also noticed that I’m not doing ok. I cannot tell her about this situation nor about my pregnancy.
On the other end, my previous ex let’s name him josh (m30) moved to the country where I live in now, and reappeared to the surface, he’s trying to rekindle things.
We have been together in the past but it was a distance relationship.
Will pursuing this make me feel better ? I just feel more lonely than ever..
At this point I don’t know what could.
I also have no problem staying on my own but there’s this burning rage plus the panick attacks that I go through when I think of them together..when I think of the abortion.. and it’s all I think of.
Any recommendations on how to approach this? Im thinking of therapy but I’m on a budget for now.
Edit : thank you all for your support and sharing your thoughts with me..I feel better already.
For those Who ask me to share this with mom, I come from a culture where sex before marriage is not okey let alone pregnancy. I could be disowned for this. So I can’t add more stress to what I’m already dealing With
45 comments
I would get help for your codependency issues before trying to be in a new situation. This will improve all of the feelings you describe having above. You are very blessed bot to have to be a single parent with a man that doesn’t care enough. Forget about him leaving for his ex. I know, easier said than done. This time, the trash took itself out.
Girl this is a shit show.
Stay away from relationships for the time being, especially with exes. You aren’t even over your current one. Focus on getting the abortion (and why WOULDN’T he be supportive of it? You want it, and it’s easily what’s best for both of you here.
Don’t focus on his life, his interests, etc. They no longer have anything to do with you. Work on yourself; your career, self esteem, etc. Spend loads of times with friends. Drink a bottle of wine and cry. Write a list of all the crappy garbage stuff, no matter how small, he did and reread I’d every time you get the sadness pangs. Block and delete him on all forms of media, and move forward.
There’s a reason he (and your other ex) are exes. Don’t keep repeating mistakes and expecting different results.
Wishing you the best, it’ll be OK but you need to push through that pain and get yourself on track for now
Don’t let any of these pro-birthers tell you what to do with your body. You are the only one that knows what’s best. Do what you need to do and move on. Be single for a while and get therapy when you can.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Full support on abortion if you feel that’s the best decision. Him supporting you on that plus him cheating. If I’m being honest you dodged a bullet in your life hun. Imagine if you DID marry this guy. If you DID build a life with him and had a kid and then he cheated? You dodge a bullet. Heartbreak is a feeling I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. You’re going to wake up not wanting to live life for the day. Get random memories. But every time you do. I want you to think about how you dodged that bullet. You may be hurt and weak rn but this will pass I promise. And I think you should tell your mom. Healing involves vulnerability and feeling it all. And talking about things out loud will alot of times make you realize the answers you’re looking for and how bad things actually sound that are not good for you. The guy who is trying to come back long distance, I’m not saying JUMP into it. But relationships are also healing. Idc what anyone says that’s just truth. But make sure you’re not putting that healing on anyone and you’re doing the work yourself too. 2 years is long enough to get lost in a relationship where you loose yourself and it happens without even trying. You loved that guy it happens. Now that he’s gone. Find yourself again. I bet you anything you can achieve so much more being on your own. Do things that make you happy even if it’s as small as buying your favorite food or watching your favorite movie. Can’t afford therapy? READ. PODCASTS. On what you’re struggling with. Good luck on your healing and congratulations on your breakup. I wish you the best
Single mom life isn’t for everyone and you would be one. Forget him and focus on your current situation. You don’t have any control over him but you have control over you.
OP get the abortion please. Don’t be tied down to someone who doesn’t care about you.
Getting an abortion isn’t fun or uplifting but it’s one bad day and then you can go talk to someone if you need to. Having a kid with some guy is forever. Even if you were financially stable. And believe me, one day down the line he’s just gonna be some guy in your past and you’ll be glad you don’t have to talk to him again.
Of course it’s hurtful that he’s like “oh yeah sure you do that” of you having an abortion, you’re full of hormones and it probably feels a like rejection. But it’s also another thing to put down in the column for moving on with your life with zero ties to him.
I really feel for you, it’s not a fun situation to be in. ❤️
i been there & done the whole abortion shabang. the best advice i wish i gave my self was heal. TAKE YOUR TIME AT THAT. you do not constantly need someone to love yourself. take the steps that will help you grow.
OP, I’m sure others can give you good advice, just want you to know I wish you the best and just keep going and you’ll get through this, sorry it’s so hard right now, but I’m glad you have your mom during this time and I hope she’s a great support
recommendation: therapy. i get you’re on a budget, so find someone that fits in your budget that also is a good fit. because you give every indication that you’re not gettin through this in a healthy manner. you’re gonna want the therapy to deal with the heartbreak AND the abortion. and no, don’t jump back into a relationship fresh off this one. that’s doing both you and the other a guy disservice. get back into a good loving head space before pursuing other possible romantic interests.
I recommend looking into therapy for sure, maybe you can contact the abortion clinic and ask if they have any free or sliding scale options they can recommend or provide! Another option could be talking to a supportive friend or family member. Beyond that you may not be able to explain the abortion to everyone but you may be able to let them know you’re having some personal/relationship problems, that way they’ll have some idea of what’s going on and can be more sensitive to it. As far as rekindling things with your long distance ex, it sounds like this may not be the best time to jump into something new. You’ll probably be more likely to have a healthy and happy relationship if you allow yourself time to heal and move on from this experience and take your time starting something new.
Talking with someone in person looks like a good idea for me. Think about what you want, take a break and then get back to it.
You aren’t in a healthy enough place to be in a relationship. Do not just jump into another relationship with another ex. That’s the worst thing you could do.
I had an abortion young. I thought I loved him and he cheated on me repeatedly and also would be a terrible dad(he did end up being a bad dad) Was it hard? Yes. Physically and mentally it was heartbreaking as I wanted a child. I knew he would be a bad dad though and would never be a good partner. I knew I couldn’t take care of a child, I was only 16.
I do not regret my abortion. It was the right decision. Having that baby with my ex would have been the worst decision of my life. I would not have the amazing husband, life and 2 kids I have now if I had kept that baby.
Don’t tie yourself to this man for life because you love him. Also keep in mind he has legal rights to the baby if you keep it and that means his current girl would be playing mommy to your child on his parenting time… just a thought.
You will get through it, good luck.
I don’t think pursuing another relationship is a good idea right now. You’ll just be using him for emotional support instead of actually being excited about dating him.
I’d reach out for support from your friends. I would look up some pro choice resources to help you through the abortion process. I’d avoid the pro life ones like the plague (they can be sneaky so vet them thoroughly) as they’ll have an agenda while a pro choice resource won’t be pressuring you any direction. I’ve had a surgical one at 13 weeks and if you have an questions feel free to DM me.
Do not get back with josh because you’re not over your current ex wouldn’t be fair to Josh
Get the abortion while you still can.
Before time ticks Away and then your a single mom with a new born and trying to work plus find someone to watch the baby while you work.
Next step focus on you.
You need to heal…get your life together.
On your path of healing you will get to know a beautiful person..one you have met but never really notice how beautiful and strong they are..
You!
And each day stand before the mirror and smile say I love you.
On the old flame..
You need to heal first..moving from guy to guy your not going to last because you are hurt inside and a relationship is not good to build on broken foundation.
When you meet self and heal you will be ready you will be a fire cracker with a lot to bring to a relationship .
Takes time..one foot in front of the other..one smile in the mirror one look and say i love you.. you are awesome.
Keep us updated.
Most of all Hugs. You can do this.
Your first instinct was obviously to end the pregnancy and move on from this a-hole.
Many others have encouraged you to just spend some time focusing on yourself and i just came here to reiterate the same advice.
Edit: just saw why you can’t talk to your mom – sorry about that. Talk to your friend, okay? Don’t allow room for anyone to shame you here. You are trying your best in a hard situation. You deserve grace.
Original comment:
Talk to your mom! Talk to her for real. She will be there for you.
Josh as a distraction is a maladaptive idea – it won’t help you in the long run and why hurt him/lead him on? You’d just be repeating unhealthy patterns which have lead you to where you are right now.
Lean on the right person – your mom, or a friend.
Stay single and start therapy.
And I am so sorry that you are experiencing all of this heartbreak. You deserve better. Find better – that starts with first finding that love within yourself and among the people you really can trust that are already in your life (aka NOT romantic love).
The last thing you want after being with him is to have to raise his kid for the rest of your life. You’re doing the right thing. It’s hard right now but in 6m time you’ll be so glad you did it. You’ll be ok xxx
It’s best to stay away from Josh, don’t want him later feeling close to what you’re feeling now.
And, it will get better soon enough you’ll be over him and you’ll be glad you left someone who would cheat on you.
Try reframing things a bit: like you said, it would do a child a disservice to be born under these circumstances. Your ex revealed himself as the trash that he is. His cheating says nothing about you or your lovability. He’s just not a good person and went back to an equally terrible person. Not being attached to him through a child is a blessing in disguise, even if it doesn’t feel like it yet. You’re justifiably angry at the situation, so I’d suggest using that as fuel to be happy and thrive out of spite (in the short term. Spite can poison the spirit). Focus on you, stay single, don’t entertain the other ex right now. Leave the trash where you left it and build yourself up whether that’s through hobbies, working out, or bettering your financial situation. Most importantly, don’t forget to rest and be kind to yourself. You didn’t do anything wrong in this situation, so treat yourself with the dignity and respect that you deserve. I hope things get better for you
This is the time to gather all of your HUMAN strength as a powerful WOMAN and make a decision about YOUR LIFE. That’s all I’ll say.
You got this.
I was 27 when I had my daughter. My life was a total mess as well, maybe even more than yours, but it got so much better. I’m still single by choice and I’m loving every minute of life with her. I was so fucked before I’m pretty sure had it not been for her, I would be dead by now. I almost had an abortion, but I don’t think I personally could survive that so I went for it. Mess and all.
Don’t worry about it being messy as long as there’s love, but know things just naturally progress and get better because you grow so much.
Just my 2 cent. Good luck whatever you do ❤
Planned Parenthood might be able to refer you to a counselor with a sliding free scale (they did for me many years ago)
You’re not over your cheating ex and you’re thinking of getting involved with your previous ex? Girl, this is the start of a shit sandwich.
Having been in a similar situation, the abortion was the best decision and while it was really hard, I don’t regret it.
To be clear, I could not eat. I couldn’t sleep. The betrayal on top of finding out I was pregnant was too much for me to handle. I was terrified that I would regret it. I said I never would, I was pro-choice but I would NEVER. Doing it made me a terrible person.
But I was emotionally & financially unstable and bringing a child into that wasn’t right. The morning of the abortion I was dry heaving in the shower. I took Xanax, the clinic staff were STILL concerned that I wasn’t ok. They gave me more.
I felt immediate relief when it was over.
It’s all up from here! Use this as an opportunity to really hone in on what’s important to you in life, and go for it.
This was five year’s ago. I went to grad school. I got into therapy. I am now happy, in a great relationship, and I’m graduating next month.
What do you want? Go do it.
Respectfully the last thing you need right now is to be talking to your ex. Let this shit show settle first, then heal. Focus on healing from all this trauma. That should be your only focus.
Get the abortion. Stay single for a long while. Get therapy.
Okay. Let’s think this through.
First, “the idea of them being together is bringing me down again and crushing every fibre of my being.” Why? Why are you wasting one single piece of energy on this? She was his ex, and they split up for a reason. He’s a cheater. That doesn’t magically stop. The issues that you’ve had with him in your relationship will continue with her. And then without her. You’re looking at him with rose-colored glasses right now. But that’s not all he is, right? If anything, you should be laughing at them, and joyful for yourself!
Second, the abortion. It’s important that you go through with it for the right reasons. And only you know what those are. Are you sure you can’t share this with your mom?, to have a sounding board, and a shoulder to lean on? Or would she have only her own agenda? How about an 800 number? Sometimes just speaking all these things aloud helps give you the answer you’re looking for.
Third: no way should you get back with an ex right now. You need some you time. I mean, if you’re okay with breaking up with him eventually, because he’s just the rebound guy, fine. If it’s just for sex, also fine.
But I kind of wish you’d just give yourself a break, and enjoy this vacation with your mom. Give yourself some days to be easy and carefree. Because it seems like you really need it. Maybe it’ll even give you a clearer mind.
Good luck, truly, with everything.
Get the abortion, buy yourself some *good* self satisfaction toys, and stay single while you go to therapy and work on yourself. It ain’t gonna be easy, but future you will be in a much better spot if you deal with this now and heal yourself.
I see in comments you say you’ll start therapy but you can’t afford it right now. Trust me you can afford a baby even less. Get the abortion, don’t keep this baby thinking it’s gonna make this guy come back or anything, he doesn’t want the baby at all and will not be involved. You’re afraid of telling your mom about this but if you have the baby it’s all out there right? Take one of your friends with you to the abortion but do do it.
Block his number. Block him on social media. Get a gym membership. Hit that shit every day. Start eating good food. Not just healthy stuff, give yourself something to look forward every night. Treat yourself. Move forward. Move to a new city. You’re young, beautiful, and no children yet: GIRLFRIEND YOU ARE ON TOP OF THE WORLD. Fuckin go get that shit.
Oh well, that’s one of the hard things that you will have to do alone. You can and should tell your mother and get all the support you can. Sometimes just the knowledge of that you are not can do wonders.
As for your relationships .. you and your trust have been hurt. Give yourself time to heal, do things for you, take care of yourself.
Staying away from exes social is most important.
Don’t have children this way. I’m a mother of 4. I’ve done this myself. Just have the abortion, sooner than later. If you end up reconciling and can 100% trust him again, then get married and try for one then and only then. I promise, you don’t want this life. It is extremely difficult and if I could back, I would knock some sense into my younger self. Babies don’t salvage relationships, they make everything harder. Everything. This guy is a piece of shit btw and you deserve respect, honesty and far better than what he gave you. I’ve also had abortions. The sooner, the better. You can even get the pills online if you’re less than 10 weeks and make it look like a miscarriage. Just whatever you do, don’t wait. The longer you wait, the harder and more painful it becomes.
What a regrettable man, here’s to the next one not being trash!
Get the abortion. Get an IUD or on BC and work on yourself! There are online therapists who work on a sliding scale. Get help. Get support.
I don’t want you to be disowned so don’t say anything, but do you see why so many cultures frown upon sex before marriage and pregnancy out of wedlock?
I’m like you, I engage in sex when I’m in relationships and I know it’s wrong because this is often what comes of it. We simply can’t trust people and at least with the ties of marriage, there are benefits.
Consider this in the future and be more careful. These rules our cultures face are not meant to restrict us to be mean. It’s to protect us when we don’t know any better or struggle to do the best things for us.
Enjoy love with this man that wants to love you. Go where love is. Wish you the best!
If you DO pursue anything with Josh, you owe it to him to tell him what you are going through and feeling, even that you are still in love and heartbroken. It’s not fair to him otherwise.
First of all, I am so sorry what happened to you. Giving advice in this situation is not easy, because there are so many things you need to consider. However, I can tell you a few things I know about heartbreak:
– Time will heal your wounds. There will be a day, when the memory of him doesn’t move you like it does now. I once thought I would never get over this one guy, but in the end I did. It is all about choice. So don’t worry about that… You will get over him and you can find love again. It doesn’t matter, if you are single and childless or a single mom. You can find love again.
– When it comes to the pregnancy, you need to listen to your own heart. Did you want children to begin with? If not, then making an abortion probably would be the wisest. But in case you did, I would suggest you to think it through one more time. The thing is you might not get another chance. Then again raising a child is not easy and you are right it requires money. It is not wrong to want a good life for your child. I know one woman who had an abortion and I understand why. You shouldn’t think about what other people think. You are the only one who knows best what you should do.
– Please, try not to torture yourself too much with the thought of him and his ex. He is dead to you now. He doesn’t deserve you to be honest. Somewhere there is a guy, who does and he will not care if you have a child or not. Remember that.
– If you go through with abortion, then promise yourself you are not going to think about it too much. You will move forward. And I promise you you can find happiness again. If it was me, then I wouldn’t tell about the abortion to anyone. I would take that thing with me to the grave, because the last thing you need is other people judging you, and believe me some people will judge you if you tell them. So take care of yourself. You are going through a hard time now. But hope is never lost. I know you will do what’s right and that you will be happy again.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this right now.
You’re facing a betrayal from someone you loved, a pregnancy that could have been celebrated if not for that betrayal, and the strong possibility of an abortion. It’s ok to be upset and sad for the loss you’re experiencing. Take time to grieve the things you’re losing. Most of all, take care of yourself.
Do not let anyone try to make you feel bad about having an abortion. Your circumstances are your own, and no arm-chair psychologist can sit there and judge you or give their opinions on what is right for you. Do what you know is best, and it sounds like being a single mum in your culture and at this time in your life won’t be good for you or a potential child.
If you’re truly interested in rekindling a relationship with your ex, I recommend reaching out and letting him know that you’re having a hard time and need some space, but that you might be interested in moving slowly towards something at a later date. There’s no hard ‘Yes’ or ‘No,’ just a ‘Give me time.’ If he cares about you like he implies he does, he’ll give you that time.
You’ll get through this. There are people who care about you, even if you don’t feel like you can share everything with them right now.
Whatever the answer may the coming days bring peace and tranquility to your life, even if it’s only temporary
Hello,
I cant even imagine what you are going through. I had a lot of pregnancy scares and I cant even imagine what women who are going through this must feel. I suggest you talk to your mother tho. She is a woman and she will definitely understand and support you. Just give it a try
You are a Miracle, and if you decide to keep the child, your child will be a Miracle.
Get a paternity test from the daddy (when that is possible), to confirm that is the pops.
You will hate him of course, but if you decide to give birth to the Miracle, please please please let DADDY be as much a part of the child’s life as possible.
Let daddy discipline and love the child.
Oh, yeah you will be fine whatever your decision is.
Please forgive the Daddy for whatever he did and whatever he will do in the future, because whatever dad does, for you, it will never be enough.
So forgive him now, as it will be less painful for you in the future.
First of all,I am sorry for what have happened to you.I know you’re on a hard and bad situation,but know It’s just part of your life,and gonna pass and you gonna see better days, specially if you do some correct things.I start with,DO NOT ENTER TO A RELATIONSHIP AFTER A BREAKE UP OR BECAUSE YOU FEEL ALONE,this gonna make you really wrose,worse and worse and worse.I know you maybe like to go back with your ex,but this is not good , because all people want to get back to their ex,they only see positive side of previous relationship because they don’t have it now.So stay away.Second,the best thing you can do is find a good therapist,it GONNA change your life,finde a woman therapist that you feel good and comfortable with her,and start your process.I know you may be limited on money,but think of priorities,what is more important than your life,and happiness?!!The last advise is,try to do what feels good to you,I don’t mean watch TV all day,I mean do some activities you like,maybe drawing?maybe learning graphic design?You can make money with them and have a good mind if you like your work.And be careful of your next relationship,before going serious on relationship,visit your therapist and ask if this gonna be good?
I hope you will pass these days,and be happy again 🫶🏻❤️