Do other people also have struggles with one-way friendships, or like no one in your real world shares your interests & passions and just don’t care about what you do? Most of my interaction in my interest fields now happen online, where I can find communities that are passionate about the same things, whether it’s hobbies, entertainment, creative professional communities… but I can’t find them in my local area in real life.
My work is mostly remote & solitary – lots of hours doing art by myself, so there isn’t a bunch of people I see at work every day. My friends all work in other fields. I always come through for them, to support and cheer on their achievements and invest a lot of energy & time, even in conversations. They just seem to take over. When I try to share about my world, they either cut me off and continue talking about themselves, or they get this look on their face like ‘what makes you think I’m interested in your life? Please stop talking, this is about me’. They’re also super judgemental, which has made me even more reluctant to share anything. Like I’m just in their service – they definitely think I’m worth much less than they are, which has had a really rough effect on me. Always feeling like the least worthy person in the room and I have nothing that’s worth contributing.
They never ever show any support or interest in return, and so I’ve begun to just keep quiet in conversations, assuming people don’t want to hear anything about my life and interests. It’s almost everything now – work (which they evidently don’t care about) – movies, music, TV shows. Every time I mention something they look down on it. I can’t connect with people in my city because I feel like the odd one out who just doesn’t fit into any crowd here. I feel like I can only be myself online without holding back 90% of myself in order to please others or avoid being mocked/judged for stuff I enjoy.
31 comments
*hugs*
I want to hear about your interests. What’s the current obsession?
They sound like low quality people with low emotional intelligence, perhaps narcissistic. I personally would rather be alone than be around those types of “friends” who lack reciprocity and respect(to respect means to look again or take a second look if you consider the etymology).
That being said I peaked at your profile and you seem like a cool dude.I don’t know much about art at all but I bet we’d have good conversation about geopolitics or concerning conspiracy culture.
If you happen to be in the DFW area, I’ll be your friend lol
That is a rough spot to be in, I feel with you!
Those “friends” are not worth the energy.
Yep. My last few friendships were one-way. Like I’ll put in the effort of going to their house, listening to their stories, partaking in their hobbies and whatnot but they won’t put in any effort for me. No fucks given about my hobbies, and can never find the time to gonto my place. Once I notice that pattern, I stop talking to them. Currently, I don’t bother with friendships – I have my family and they’re all I need.
Get rid of these people. They want you in their lives to puff up their egos and nothing more. A true friendship is a symbiotic relationship. You have to learn to let go of people who do you harm.
Be true to yourself. Never hold back, not even an inch. If people can’t respect the person you are then are they really worth your energy?
Good luck bro. Be yourself and if you find people being snooty to you then cut them off. You deserve respect and you shouldn’t accept anything less.
Sounds like you need to find people who suck less.
What’s your story? Anything you want to share with us today?
Gosh, I’ve been there and I’ve eliminated all those people from my life. It was draining the ability to enjoy anything really. It definitely feels lonely, but having 1 or 2 friends who genuinely give a damn is much more fulfilling than being a crying pillow and not getting anything in return.
I love all those things u mentioned, it’s kinda hard for me too to find friends that are into that kinda stuff.
I definitely feel like this is happening more and more often. I have found myself in the same camp. It’s very hard to find good people and good conversation without really putting effort into getting out and trying new hobbies/activities/going new places. I think that it is a direct result of social media and living in an individualistic culture where people are more inclined to think about themselves rather than other people. I have been trying to make new friendships and I have found that I am the one who keeps the conversation going by asking questions and delving into the other persons interests, and then it dwindles because they don’t ask questions about what I do or who I am. So it needs up being a dead end because the conversation can’t naturally continue when both sides aren’t actively listening/responding. I think people have forgotten how to communicate, as well as have disconnected from the idea that other people populate this earth. There are so many interesting people out there and it’s fun to hear what others have to say, but it’s only natural to want someone to relate or at least sympathize with what you do with your time.
I do think that as you get older you don’t focus so much on having a ton of people to converse with and keep close—because a lot of people don’t have the capacity to keep healthy relationships. But if you venture out a bit more offline and into new spaces and places, you never know who you will meet. Be open to starting conversation with people you see, even if it’s a compliment, a question, etc., and you may be surprised what that can spark up. Another key thing is, when out in public, make eye contact with those you pass by, no one does that anymore. I think when you do that, it’s a reminder that you exist, as does the person receiving the eye contact. It’s funny that once you do this, awareness to another person is noticed by them, and I think that has a greater effect in a world where everyone looks down at their phone/ground when going out into public.
Cut them off
Better to be alone than in bad company.
You are working in an interesting area and im sure that there are people out there that would be inspired by hearing what you do. Dont let those ‘friends’ make you think otherwise.
Other people’s lack of tact isn’t a reflection of you. You are worthy, and you are interesting.
I had someone like that for 20 ish years
This is my biggest pet peeve in people now. I would honestly rather have no one in my life than deal with people like this. What’s the point of keeping someone in my life if they have no interest in it?
People like this just want an audience, not friends. I like to call them emotional vampires.
Here’s the thing, don’t hold back. Creating big changes for the better can often be really tough and even very painful. It doesn’t sound like these people are true friends. You can find and create bonds and friendships and you can find “your” community. Do not hold back who you are, be you, don’t be afraid to stand out or go against the grain. Like attracts like. With time, consistent effort, confidence, and by learning to talk and connected with new people IRL (this requires you go places and learned to do things on your own sometimes or even exclusively at first), you will go far and find people to connect with. Some of those connections could last a lifetime, you just have to take care of the relationship. If it isn’t reciprocated don’t worry, don’t stick around for them, if a prospective mate isn’t interested in you, you move on and find some one who is right, same with friends.
If you keep holding onto your shitty friends and investing your time in them you’ll never be able to make room to meet new people and make new and healthier connections.
You can also talk to your current “friends” about how you feel, seek counsel with them, or just tell them straight up that the relationship isn’t working for you. See how they react, what they think, how they feel. And don’t be afraid to be honest, candid, and genuine. Chances are they’re response will tell you a lot and for some of them you may be able to cultivate a healthier relationship, others you may have to let go. You may even have to let them all go if none of the relationships work for you.
Personally I like to make strong opening moves when first meeting someone, put the ball in their court, it is not your job to be interesting or please them. Seek genuine connections and invest curiously in people but if they don’t reciprocate move on. There’s millions upon millions of people everywhere, just go meet some of them. Time, practice, baby steps, read books, enrich yourself, invest in your own passions, be the best you you can be and get comfortable outside your comfort zone. You will grow and flourish in time. Be consistent and be patient. Like anything else.
Ok, but how did you end up in a situation where all your friends are narcissistic? Is the whole city you live in narcissistic? Probably not.
What is super common these days is that people’s friends will not initiate hanging out with them, because everyone’s social skills are eroding quickly, and some people don’t bother to try to keep them up. But not being willing to listen to you talk about yourself when you’re already there… that’s a different level.
I recommend to everyone that they join an interest-based community or two. Stick with it even though it isn’t fun right away, attend regularly and really invest yourself. It’s the best way to get to know potential new friends. And watch yourself during this process, for any tendency to gravitate towards particularly self-centered people.
You’re probably too much of an independent thinker which is a minority in itself, and most of the ppl you’re trying to interact with are sheeple/follwers who operate on a very surface level
They don’t respect or tolerate any difference in views. It’s either their way or the highway. It’s the paradox of tolerance bullshit.
Those people arent really your friends. As someone else pointed out, they are acquaintances who are keeping you in their lives for their convenience. Ive dropped plenty of “friends” who were like that and Ive never regretted it once. I have 2 close friends who I see/talk to regularly. We dont share all of the same interests, but we regularly engage each other on the unshared interests just to show we care. We both put in effort to the relationship. Talking to them doesnt feel like all im doing is listening to their shit and getting ignored. Those two true friends are worth more than a million of the others. Id say drop em, because maintaining those fake friendships takes more out of you than you get back. Personally I’d rather be alone than in bad company.
Oh, man I went through this now. Just feels like you’re blowing smoke up somebody ass rather than having a mutual footing in the matter. I’m sorry, but you’ve gotta limit your contact with these people as much as possible. Because why get so invested in those who don’t give 2 damns about you either way?
I get you my guy. I’d say I have ‘people’ in my town, but, every time i try to open up to anyone it feels like a show-and-tell session where they’re just waiting for me to get over whatever dumb fucking thing I’m going on about now.
–My dad’s one of the biggest offenders, its like he doesn’t want me around if I’m gonna try to talk to him. So I fight it by doubling down on it.
If we get to a point where they’re not reciprocating, then I start talking about myself and interests. Damned if they don’t wanna hear about it, they can walk away; it’s not _my_ fault they’re not interesting.
OP, I understand, I’ve felt it. My wife complains about it regarding her ‘friends.’ There’s no shortcut, however I would suggest assertiveness training, and community theater. Get with the off-stage crew of whatever variety suits you. Have some fun.
I struggle with this too, and not saying it’s your fault people are like that but it might help lowering your expectations for them. they have proven themselves to be self centered, do the same (not in a petty way).. but if they want you to come to something you don’t want to, or you know it will be them endlessly talking about themselves, say no. only invite them out to do activities where not too much talking is necessary. if you’re with them and drained by the lack of reciprocation, say I have to get going.
I wish I could say something that would improve the connections but unfortunately with people like that they lack respect and boundaries. accepting that and viewing them as more superficial friendships could help you feel less disappointed. I wish you the best in finding better friendships:)
Gosh, I totally feel for you. Same thing going in in my life. There are a ton of good comments here… perhaps our tribe is simply a scattered rarity in this world. Grateful for the sharing that can happen from afar, here on the internet. Maybe give it a go, and share here? Maybe we all move to Canada as a tribe? Wish I had a solution. Know you are heard.
Yes I totally feel you.
So either your friends are toxic and you need to find better people or you are a terrible conversationalist to the point that it’s painful to listen to you.
This! I gave up on finding my tribe a year ago. I feel like because they are already a tribe they should be looking for me with there combined resources😂
They don’t really love or care about you
I’ve found that my friendships are most reciprocal when built with people I work on or do things with that make us work together. I used to have a TON of friends when I was younger, and often felt like this.
When your friendships are founded on talking and hanging out, and a big part of it involves voicing stresses to each other, there isn’t often as much genuine mutual respect.
Take it with a grain of salt, but this is just my experience
Jeez I resonate with this a lot. I’ve had so many “almost” friendships that end up going nowhere. I started wondering if I was the problem but for the life of me I can’t wrap my mind around how, save for the fact that I can be quieter when meeting someone new. But it seems like such a trend, either I’ll make the effort to reach out and get zero interest in return, OR they’ll be the one to initiate and I’ll gladly get to know them/make friends etc but next thing I know I’m the only one making an effort. I’m not exactly a QUIET person, in group settings I’m totally comfortable and like talking. I’m a good listener and listen to what others have to say but the minute I open my mouth to either ask a question or contribute to the conversation I’m either ignored or it’s like a quick smile or laugh that gives that sorta pitying vibe
It sucks. You’re definitely not alone in this
Tell me more about this art! 😊
Your friends are a reflection of you start there and then you can change your path.