Hi there. I need some advice. I (49f) have always had a very hard time maintaining personal boundaries with men who approach me. Never in history have I told a guy “no thanks, not interested” and had him just accept that. Eventually they break me down and I end up going out with them, even if just once. Because “it’s just coffee” or “we can be friends” (which is always just a way to keep a foot in the door).
Eventually I’m able to break it off one way or another, but how do you get your point across the first time without being rude? I have a very hard time rejecting people, so having to do it over and over again to the same person is really, really hard. Especially if it is someone I interact with regularly, like a colleague.
Any thoughts are appreciated.
4 comments
This really makes me understand why some women are “rude” to men…
All you really need to do is look pissed off, and they’ll stop slotting you into their fantasies right quick. Because that’s what it is… you’re a nice and accommodating person so they just imagine that you already are whatever it is they want, instead of actually being interested in what *you* really are.
So you give them your “Why are you wasting my time with this bullshit” or “Why do I still have to deal with this” expression, and you just say “No.” Just let your true feelings show for a couple seconds, undisguised by anything else.
You will never have to deal with it again.
I got a heavy dose of this one from a boss when I was very young, so… low tolerance for the “it’s just coffee/lunch/dinner” or “we’ll be friends” if someone is actually lying and trying to manipulate with those lines.
I know it’s kind of shit but make yourself uninteresting if you haven’t already.
Only talk about yourself, and keep it short, don’t ask them any questions.
Lie and say you’re with somebody.
Or if they persist still, make them uncomfortable by asking why.
Try something like “I’m sorry but I have a partner and I already told you no, it makes me really uncomfortable that you keep asking, will you please stop?” Or “I’m sorry but I already mentioned that I’m uninterested and I’m starting to get uncomfortable, why do you keep asking me?”
You’re not being rude, but assertive with your comfort and boundaries, which you have every right to be and you shouldn’t concern yourself about keeping peace with people who are making you uncomfortable.
Prioritize your mental health and safety.
People can talk if they want to but so what? Your comfortability matters more then what others say. Besides, if anyone is judging you for setting boundaries you probably want to stay away from them anyways.
I think it’s pretty difficult for a lot of people.
A lot of the times trying to set boundaries with unhealthy people creates a really uneasy situation and it’s in our nature to not want to create or be a part of a messy situation.
It can be really uncomfortable to set boundaries but it’s a good and healthy habit to pick up so that we aren’t constantly putting ourselves through uncomfortable situations to procrastinate or put off having a hard conversation that will end it.
If you ever need any help, advice or just someone to vent & talk to you can always hit me up.
Wishing you the best of luck!!!☺️☺️