This guy (M26) and I (F26) went to grade school together as children. And about 2 years ago we reconnected over LinkedIn as both of us were establishing careers in the legal industry and have been communicating with each other ever since by text. I’ve always thought he was handsome and incredibly bright and so kind. He showed nothing but kindness to me as a kid when almost everyone in my class except my best friend who is more like a sister to me at this point would bully me (very small Catholic school) and he was very quiet and bright himself so he was mocked too. And lately I’ve been catching feelings for him although he doesn’t know that. We reconnected during the pandemic. Here is my dilemma
He has never talked about guys or girls ever.
I haven’t ever point blank asked him about his dating life or attraction but he’s never mentioned it. I came close to asking him about how dating has been for him (didnt even really ask that…alot more vague) but he said he was focusing more on getting his career off the ground in the meantime (he just became an attorney)
We have been in near constant communication and about 6 months ago I came out of a long term relationship with a big fat loser. We dated for 2 years (the length of time of my reconnection with my old friend). So I would like to meet up with him for coffee sometime soon but I don’t want to waste either of our time as I have feelings for him. Since he never mentions guys or gals, I have come to the conclusion that he is asexual. And I want children one day so does anyone think that us meeting up in person is even worth it?
TL;DR: I have feelings for a guy I believe to be ace and would like to see if there’s relationship potential but not sure if it’s worth it as I want children one day.
17 comments
I personally find that to be a very odd conclusion. It doesn’t sound like you two have talked about relationships, intimate things, etc.. so why would he have brought up his sexual preferences to you?
Ask him out for coffee.
Yeah, you definitely can’t make the conclusion that someone is asexual based simply on that. Some people are just private about things like that.
I wouldn’t have thought he was asexual by him just not talking about it… Some people just don’t like talking about their sex life, plus if he was hyper focused on getting a law degree he probably didn’t think casual dating or hookups or similar were worth mentioning
Why not see if he would like to go for a small hike. You’re looking too far down the road
Even if he was asexual, ace people still date and fall in love. A lot of them can also have sex for their partner and even sex averse ace people might endure it for the sake of procreation. So if your only concern is children, go for it.
That being said, it’s *a lot* more likely that he’s just a private person. Especially when you take into consideration that he was raised catholic, might be waiting for marriage, might still consider sex a taboo topic, who knows.
Wow, that’s quite a conclusion. How about you just ask him?
I don’t think you should try dating yet. It strikes me as really odd that you would say it’s potentially not worth meeting up with your old friend since you want kids one day. If you were meeting up with a friend from high-school would you think ‘I’d like to go to the keys one day. Better cancel coffee on the off chance that this meeting prevents me from booking a future trip.’? I don’t think so.
If you’re not interested in taking things further that’s fine, but you’re being dishonest when you blame your friends prospective breeding as the reason.
Wouldn’t it be nice to just meet up in person as friends with no expectation other than friendship? And if there’s a spark then proceed from there.
Ummmm maybe he’s just private? Or had a bad breakup and has been taking some time off dating? Or couldn’t find time to date with law school? That’s a weird conclusion to jump to. Far more common than asexuality (which is not uncommon) are people who don’t enjoy having sex outside of relationships and don’t want to talk too much about it.
So if you dont blurt out your sexual history you are asexual? What?
Dude. As someone who IS asexual, even if that’s his orientation, man jumping to that conclusion based on what you’ve said about your relationship dynamic is kinda mean,especially in the way you insinuate it to be the ONLY logical conclusion, I’d be pretty taken aback by someone point blank asking me about dating. Also if he is asexual, that doesn’t mean he doesn’t like sex, or that he doesn’t want kids?? Ask him for coffee, stop assuming peoples sexualities and talk to him about his plans for the future.
Have you even REALLY talked to this guy? Maybe you shouldn’t be so quick to judge him; he definitely should stay away from someone as hyper-judgemental as you.
I feel like you’re conclusion is unjustified. Not wanting to talk about his personal life with you or not going into sexual talk with you does not mean he’s asexual.
However you certainly can touch on the topic with him, including to ask him out, and see where it goes from there
I don’t think you are ready for dating scene if you are so jugdemental in so weird and inmature way.
You haven’t even asked him about dating. You have never had such subject in your conversations. You are just only texting. He is definitely private, don’t expect from guys that they will brag about dating life just because they talk with you.
He might be asexual or just not pushy. Plus, if you are just texting, haven’t seen for 2 years, so why you expect him having already feelings towards you?
Plus decision that meeting with someone is pointless because that person didn’t wrote you “I will give you kids” is ridicoulous.
How you want get to know people and see where things will go, if you think that meeting up with people is pointless becasue over text that person never mentioned anything sexual?
You can stay inside 4 walls and wait until someone will start love bombing you over text. But is this really what you want? Good luck!
I think the word you are looking for is aromantic (someone who does not feel any romantic attraction to anyone). Someone who is aromantic can also be asexual and vice versa, but that’s not always the case.
Also, you are jumping to conclusions. Just because he never mentioned his dating life or sex life to you doesn’t mean he has none.
ACE is a spectrum however if you are not on that spectrum at all it is really important to find out if he has a similar libido as you do when in a relationship. Mismatched libido can really wreak havoc in a relationship even if sexuality itself matches. Communication is key to ensure each person is getting their needs met without one person doing all the compromising.
I don’t really talk about girls or guys and I like both. You’ve definitely jumped to a conclusion based on zero information.