I am a junior in university, 20 years old female, and I would consider myself a well balanced introvert and extrovert and is trying to put myself out there.
In my experience, I had one bad emotionally abusive ex boyfriend and after that, I’ve only had casual sex with other guys (fwb). Like right now I’m currently having relations with a guy I like but am definitely not 100 percent attracted physically. He is overweight, has no good sense of style, doesn’t take good care of their hair (dandruff) and skin (eczema), and is socially awkward. I like or even love his personality but I can’t say the same physically and it trips me off. But we still sleep with each other because it’s the only time I truly feel like a person loves me for me and I in a weird way like to give him my affection too. But I wouldn’t want a relationship with him. Absolutely not. But I feel bad cause idk if he’s starting to gain feelings.
But moving on ……. With guys, my ex and friends. I always felt like I was their guardian angel that helped them get out of their dark place in life and feed them my positive vibes and care for them like a mother until they gain the their true selves again. However, I suffer with anxiety, depression, ADHD, and trichotillomania (hair pulling disorder). So all those positive vibes I give them are the ones I wish a guy would give to me. A guy I am attracted to that will give me the same thing of being a lover that will help me see the light when I can’t. But so far there is no luck.
I’ve been rejected, stood up, abused, left, ghosted and lied to by many many men. I can’t help but think, am I that ugly? Uninteresting? Just too much baggage with my conditions? Am I just not good enough to keep around?
I just don’t understand why it’s so hard for me to find a guy I find attractive and I am not asking much when it comes to standards. Many random girls/ friends tell me I’m pretty and ask me if I have a boyfriend and when I say no…. They are always shocked and don’t believe it. I go to parties, I’ve joined clubs, I go to the gym 24/7 and I am a gym rat, I’m open, and I am a very trustworthy person.
Yet all the guys I find attractive, (gym rats or athletes) are always with girls that my friends say aren’t that pretty. It just hurts to see live around you when all you’ve felt is pain. The pain of already knowing that every chance you have to talk to guys. You always assume you will get left behind.
I don’t want to give up but I just can’t take it anymore. It’s like I make guys run away from me. Instead of always being there for people, and having the job to be the loving and empathetic mother for everyone. When is it my turn to get a brake? When will I be gifted to have that person that I’ve always wished for to do the same to me. I want my brake to be happy for others and be with someone that makes me happy.
But maybe it’s not meant to be. I’ve been having this fear of dying alone and never experiencing what love is. Everyone else I see have it. Especially those who in my mind steal the men I only find attractive.
Will I ever find love? Did you find love when you thought you wouldn’t?
Just need some positivity and to hear from others about their experiences and happy endings
3 comments
You are so young. 20 years old at uni, you have so much to look forward to, so much life left. You will absolutely find someone who loves and treats you right. Try and focus on other positive things, spend time with friends, etc enjoy your hobbies and in doing that just take away the focus of looking for a life partner.
I’m a man in my late 20s. There are alot of guys that will do that to women yes, but there are alot of guys who don’t try because they never learned how to engage women and they see the whole thing as hopeless.
But let me assure you that I haven’t a doubt that regardless of how you look that you will stumble across a good decent guy. Just keep an open mind, but I’d encourage you to introduce that man to the men in your life who are going to look out for you.
But despite the fact that dating tends to be a toxic ceasepool, you will find good guys. Just do us all a favor though. Be kinder to yourself, and wait for something exclusive with a man before giving yourself away. You have value as a person, don’t give yourself to men you know aren’t good for you. Find a man that will be good to and for you, and most especially make sure you treat that man just as well. I wish you the best though!
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