(F20) (Excuse my grammar)
Hi, while this is hard to explain, I’Il try my best. I have a hard time talking to people. While I’m not exactly a quiet person, I quiet myself down in social situations such as work, meeting new people, going to the
grocery store, you name it. I don’t have many friends, i’m incredibly afraid of being myself and when I do talk more than usual, I overanalyze the conversation for
days, sometimes weeks on end. I have a hard time even making eye contact and I catch myself sighing more than I’d like to when I have to be social. I ask my
boyfriend all the time if I am acting weird or annoying. He always assures me that I’m not weird at all, but I think that is because he’s the only person I am truly
myself around. It’s like I’m embarrassed to exist, ashamed to exist, and embarrassed to be perceived by other people.
I know it’s irrational but it’s a genuine burden I carry with me all the time, to the point where I have suicidal thoughts every day. I’m painfully aware that the cause is my lack of love for myself. I have hated myself and felt these feelings of embarrassment since elementary school. I try to love myself but i always find it difficult to justify why i deserve to be loved. In my mind, i dont. I don’t know how to get rid of these toxic negative thoughts and therapy isn’t an option for me, financially. I’ve been hospitalized a couple of times due to mental health issues and to no avail.
I feel helpless. My mind is always racing a thousand miles per minute to where my thoughts even
overlap sometimes and every one of those thoughts is of how embarrassed I am to exist. Maybe this doesn’t make sense at all, I am even embarrassed to post this but it’s a last resort kind of thing and I truly hate this feeling of hating my whole existence. Thank you for reading.
2 comments
What do you think of meditation?
Hi there I want you to know I’m going through the exact same thing, now that I’m in college I feel like I’m having a hard time connecting. I shut down around certain people, it make me feel lonely at the fact my friends are branching out when I havent. Im finding it hard to build myself up. My friends I do have say they enjoy being around me but I don’t believe it. It terrifies me that I don’t know how people receive me. I just want you to know your not alone. I may not have the best answers since I’m still trying to figure it out, the most important thing to know is it takes time to change anything. Retraining how you feel toward yourself is really hard. I would say write down the things that trigger/ make you anxious and write down why. Learning self compassion like I’m proud of myself for trying my best, I’m safe. It’s important to fell your emotions. You can do this.