me (f19) and my boyfriend (m22) have been together for a while. at least it feels like a while to me because i’ve never been in a real, stable relationship. we live together. he makes me laugh like no other, and he is my best friend. i love him so much, and i want to have sex with him more. we probably hook up like once every two weeks? wow, when i put it like that, it sounds kinda bad.
when i try to initiate sex, he turns me down and it just gets really weird. he’ll apologize to me, just saying he’s not in the mood, or he’s tired, but it’s become to regular that i don’t even know what to do.
i feel so tightly wound and stressed when i’m not able to fuck. it’s important to me. not to mention, constantly being rejected just makes me feel disgusting. i’ve been SA’d as a child, and it kinda always stuck with me. it’s taken a long time for me to come to terms with my sexuality, and i finally feel comfortable exploring. so when my boyfriend, who is supposed to be in love with me, doesn’t even want me, what does that say?
i’ve tried just masturbating but that doesn’t satisfy my needs, which is skin-to-skin contact. i’ve expressed these needs to him, and he’s apologized profusely, but i’m not seeing much change. our libidos don’t match up. is this normal in relationships? having dry spouts?
TL:DR
my boyfriend doesn’t have much of a sex drive and turns me down often
7 comments
22 and turns down sex often? He gay or cheating… or both
I do I’ll have so much sec with you rite now
The only thing I can think of is for the two of you to go to couples counseling.
Has he seen a doctor to get his testosterone checked? Could be a medical issue.
Other possibilities is he is confused about his sexuality, some medications like anti depressants reduce sexual desire, so can drug and alcohol abuse,, porn addiction, masturbation addiction. There are so many possibilities.
This happens to me periodically, it will come back to him. As other posts say, it could be for a lot of reasons. But wrapping your self worth up in it won’t help… Imagine you don’t fancy fried chicken which you normally love but you feel queasy and can’t handle something oily, then there’s your partner who you love and trust asking you to eat it repeatedly, and expressing that your refusal makes them feel unloved and disgusting for wanting to eat it alone… It paints a picture.
If I were placing my money on anything I’d say at his age it could well be depression and stress. Just do all you can to encourage him when he helps himself, praise him if he does chores, eats well, works out, completes some outstanding work or works on his hobbies (computer gaming not included, that’s escapism and burns out ones dopamine over time). This should contribute massively to getting his mojo back.
Also, one more huge tip… Why not just try flirting, and sensual touching without the expectations of sex? People really overlook how much men often just want to be pampered and desired rather than being seen as hyper masculine fuck stallions. Treat him with massages, pets, cuddles, long sessions of just caressing him and making him feel as safe and secure as a baby… It can really help shake off the depression and stress if that is what is causing the issue.
Do your very best to not make this about you. This is something he’s trying to manage, deal with, cope with. Most men’s self esteem is wrapped up in their sexual drive, highlight that it’s making his woman unhappy and you’ll just sink him further into wanting to split and start fresh with someone else… Which btw, will work as a distraction for him till he finds out this happens with every woman if he fails to sort out the underlying cause, which is in my opinion, forming and maintaining traditionally viewed good habits, like the ones I listed that you should encourage.
Sorry for the long winded answer, hope it helps.
TL;DR probably depression, encourage his good habits, don’t make it so much about you, practice intimacy without expectations of sex itself.
95% of these types of posts are the reverse where the man wants more sex. Fascinating reading the comments when it is the opposite.
You have mismatched libidos. This will only get worse. You need to decide if you are ok just being friends and roommates, or if you need more in a partner. Its ok to breakup over “sex”.