[Long post] I have trouble identifying social things, can someone please tell me who my friends are? lol, can’t believe I’m doing this 😂

Lol, so I’ve always thought I didn’t have friends but someone told me recently that it seems like I do so I want your opinion. I’ll describe my relationship with each of the possible candidates and you tell me which ones possibly are friends.

E: I talk to E during recess and lunch, he chooses to also talk to me and it’s often just the two of us. Occasionally, we’ll go together and talk with the Asians (I didn’t make up that name, the friendship group calls themselves “the Asians”, me and E are the only non-Asians but occasionally they’ll say I’m sometimes more Asian then them… Idk how that’s possible 🤷). I accidentally gave him my birthmonth 🤦 as he casually quizzed me on it, I thought he wanted to calculate something with it. He was surprised I gave it to him. He’s one of two people outside my family who know my birthday. We never really talk about anything very personal or very deep. I’ve always thought of him as an aquaintence.

T: I’ve known T since birth as our families were close friends. He’s in the year level below me so I rarely talk to him at school outside of band or when we go to and from school together. We occasionally invite each other over to play table tennis, games or just talk and we’ll occasionally go on walks together and I’ve taken him camping. In a different context (let’s call this context B) we are part of the same friendship group. I’ve talked deep with him and I’ve talked kinda personal with him. He’s one of two people (on this list) whose been in my home. I’ve come very close to calling him a friend.

(Occasionally all the people in my friendship group in context B will go do some activities together like, mini golf, board games, competitive gaming or just go out for dinner)

J: J is T’s brother. He is in the year level above me. I never would have really considered him a friend (although wouldn’t have doubted calling him a brother) until this last year. He’s ESTJ and I’m INTP so we butted heads ALOT and he used to have anger issues, he used to always look down on me tho I’ve proved myself now and can see he sometimes turns to me for advice or help and I can see he respects me. In school we rarely talked outside of choir. But now after he left school he comes up to me in context B and we talk and we also sometimes go on walks together. He’s the other person on this list that has been in my home and one of two people (other one is not on this list) to ever know who I’ve had a crush on. I’ve talked deep with him but I have very seldom talked very personal with him. I’ve never really considered him a friend, more like a distant brother.

M: I am actually sooo confused about M. Like, he’s either my bully, aquaintence or attempted friend. Idk. In year ten I proved to him that I could play table tennis really well (he also played) so I thought he kinda respected me. Last year, I had him in math class (the lower one since we have to pick two, he’s not the sharpest tool in the shed) and the teacher would joke with us. He’d occasionally ask if I were still playing table tennis and asked me to join the team, I said yes but then covid happened. After we got back to school this year I was actively trying to be more observant of social status (as someone told me right before I got back that I would be pathetic and on the lowest rung of their school so I was trying to figure out where I was in my school. Damn, that statement really got to me. Although I didn’t know it got to me until a few months after it was said) and therefore trying harder to observe how people felt and acted around me, M became more antagonistic towards me, at first I thought it was him trying to close social distance by being a little rough but now it’s kinda gone too far. People around him when he’s interacting with me give him dirty looks and tell him to not be such a c>!#nt.!< I haven’t talked very deep or personal with him. I’ve only ever considered him a peer.

B: I study with B after school. He has invited me multiple times to his gym (I can’t go, it’s an hours walk away and he goes at 5:00am, plus I made a home gym) and has encouraged me to eat more (I’m 185cm and 60kg). We sometimes walk down the main street from school together. I haven’t talked very personal with him. He’s one of two people that I’ve shared food with. I’ve only ever considered him a peer.

U: I told U some stuff about my past… U seems very ingenuine half the time. He helped me through something so I kinda feel indebted to him. I’m kinda miffed at him at the moment, not for anything he’s done but for my misjudgement of his character. I used to respect him, he used to be hard working, wise and genuine but now he just seems fake, lazy, hedonistic and stupid. We used to debate alot about random topics but now whenever a debate sparks he kinda… Sucks at coming up with anything that holds water and has reverted to personal attacks (especially as he knows more about me than most people… He comes third in who knows the most, T comes second and first doesn’t make it on this list). I sometimes absorb the personality that I spend time with so I fear that at one point I was fake and ingenuine so I emotionally detached completely from him. I’ll still talk to him when he initiates but won’t engage the convo for long. I’ve told him countless times that I won’t do something but he still will bring it up and ask me to do it with no new evidence to back up his reasoning, we’ve debated on this topic in the past and I destroyed him multiple times yet he still holds onto his arrogant POV. He used to be well respected in the school and is currently school captain but he’s lost all respect from me and his old main friendship group. I’ve talked deep and personal with him. He’s the other person that I’ve shared food with. I’ve only ever considered him a slightly closer than normal aquaintence.

W: I’ve known W for since forever. He’s in my context B friend group and we’ll talk about a variety of topics (like history, sociology, psychology, politics and our different schools) but nothing very personal, although I have talked kinda deep with him. He’s invited me and the other friends over a few times. Idk, I’ve always considered him an aquaintence.

C: We were in a class together just me, her and the teacher for once a week every week for five years. I rarely talk to her outside of this class unless there is no one else we know in a room that we are forced to be in. She’s probably the only girl I’m actually kinda comfortable talking to (I’m working on that), we’ve talked deep and personal. I’ve only ever considered her a peer.

Jo: I was stuck in isolation with him for 6 months. We sometimes go one walks (we took photos of deer together a couple times) and we went on a hike together. I’ve had dinner with him a few times and cooked for him. I’ve talked deep with him but I haven’t talked very personal with him. I’ve only ever considered him an aquaintence.

A few people (not on this list) have called themselves my friend but I do not consider them even aquaintences. Just peer’s or colleagues that I’ve talked to. Those include… These two girls who asked for my number (I’ve never given out my number to anyone but family… And J & T) and I’ve talked to occasionally while in a context that we were forced together like band, choir, class, work etc. These 3 people in my class I was in a team with for a few math competitions (competing as a team doesn’t automatically make you close). A few band/drama kids. These guys I tutored/helped. The other people in my friend group in context B, the cool kids who say they’re your friend but they call everyone their friend (you know the trope, dude walks up gives you a handshake and slap on the back saying “how’s it goin’ mate?” “good”, “good? That’s good, ooi Jake my maaaaan, how’s it gooiiiingg?!”), some people in the Asian group and a few people who I occasionally wave to and talk to whilst waiting for stuff like the bus or canteen (I rarely initiate but do when I’m feeling like attempting social skills)

When I say personal, it’s usually veiled under humour or sarcasm to signal discomfort. Although for T and U I had occasionally not veiled it.

What do I call these people? Any help would be much appreciated.

I know I lack the confidence and ability to maintain positive face needs and as a side effect it makes people feel not very close to me. I don’t feel close to them either. The fact I hedge everything, avoid broaching taboo topics, ask indirect questions, use the subjunctive to express pessimism about the other person’s willingness to participate, constantly giving deference, and impersonalise everything, shows that I definitely am increasing social distance by constantly reminding the other participant in the conversation that I don’t feel comfortable enough with them to talk relaxed. I figure if I start actually admitting or calling them friends in my head then I’ll value them more, be more comfortable with them and potentially find it easier to maintain their positive face needs. What are your thoughts? Do I have any friends?

Edit: Also, I don’t have any of them on social media