My bf (35) wants to open our relationship and I (24) hate the idea

38 comments

1. > that he has been cheating on me for over a year with another girl.

   Why is this guy still your “bf”? Srsly, this man has zero respect for you, and he needs to stop using his mental health issues as an excuse for his shitty behaviour.

   > . We had a long conversation and I chose to forgive him. But, the underlying problem here is, he desires to have sex with other girls. He wants to open the relationship where he can just has sex like a one-night-stand, no serious intention, just sex.

   This guy isn’t trustworthy at all, hence, it’s definitely one of the worst ideas to even consider being non-monogamous with him.

   > ut. Everytime I tried to end this relationship, he begged me to stay and work it out, go to therapy, etc. And I stay, because I love him so much.

   There’s a reason this guy went after a 22 year old. You are young, you are inexperienced, and naive.

   Stop letting him emotionally guilt-trip you. Talk to your friends, talk to your family, leave him. If you can’t, get some therapy to work on your self-esteem.

   Don’t forget to get tested for STDs.

2. Leave. He’s a narcissist.

3. How can you look over a year long affair?

   If he didn’t think you loved him than why didn’t he just break up with you to be with someone else?

   Oh right, because it was an excuse to get away with cheating…

   Just break up. You’re on opposite ends of the spectrum morally, and there is no ‘meeting in the middle’ for this kind of thing.

4. He took your forgiveness as a sign that this is ok. In fact, he turned it around and asked for permission via an open relationship. That way he doesn’t need to sneak around and ask for forgiveness again. This is very convenient for him and hurtful to you.

5. If you stay with him just to help him, he will break you. You will be the one that will be needing help in the end.

   Your job is not to fix a broken person. There is therapy and professionals for that

6. Open relationships only work for the right reasons and if both partners give an enthusiastic YES!! His reason is to continue to cheat on you

   He already cheated on you for a FUCKING YEAR and you stayed with his ass. He now believes that it’s ok for him to continue to see other women. He won’t be labeled as a cheater if it’s open, right?

   Have some self-respect

   FYI: he’s too old for you

7. You don‘t open a relationship by cheating on your partner. This never works. Open relationships need an extra amount of trust. There is absolutely nothing wrong with not wanting to have an open relationship. People are different and want different things. It sounds like your and your bf‘s wishes are not compatible. I don‘t know him but it sounds like he would continue to cheat if you don‘t agree to an open relationship. So one way or another he will live the life he wants. The question is what do you want? Say yes and go along with it and suffer in silence? Be paranoid about him cheating again? Being guilt tripped by him like it was your fault HE chose to cheat? Yes, he has problems, but we all are still responsible for our own actions. Take some time and think about what you want and what is a dealbreaker for you. There are plenty of men out there who would be happy to be in an exclusive relationship with you.

8. I don’t mean to offend you but it seems to me he doesn’t really love you or respect you…

9. Girl, leave him. He’s using it as an excuse to treat you like shit and your buying it.

   He’s gaslighting and manipulatong you into staying in this toxic as F relationship coz he knows he has you where he wants you and that you will let him continue do so.

   There is no middle ground as you will not fond one with what he wants and what you want in a relationship.

   You don’t deserve someone who will gaslight, manipulate and cheat on you coz thats what he is gonna do, even if you both agree to not open the relationship. He will just lie about and go cheat instead, like he did for over a year.

   Call your family and friends and get the F out. Get therapy for yourself and go love your life to the fullest, without him in it coz he’s TOXIC. He’s just messing you up my dear and you deserve someone who will put you first, and love only you.

10. A dude at 35 wants to open up the relationship when he has a young lady. What an idiot. He might find out the hard way that you have way more options than him.

11. He has already opened the relationship. It is now for you to decide if you will stay with him.

12. Girl …

13. Girl, wake tf up. He’s cheating on you and even tells you that he is doing it/wants to do it.

14. You’re not compatible. His mental illness doesn’t give him a pass, he needs to get therapy and isn’t capable of being in a relationship yet.

    Why are you staying with him?

15. Come on honey. Don’t do this to yourself he put your health at risk for a year and now he’s asking to do the same but openly.

    So many men and this is the one you want?

16. Let me help you: break up

17. I honestly don’t understand why you are still with him. I mean I get that you love him, but love is not everything in a relationship. He’s a piece of shit, he’s unfaithful and wants a lifestyle that you find unacceptable and that makes you feel dirty – there’s literally no compromise here. If he sleeps with other people, you will feel awful, and if you don’t agree, he will cheat on you and make your life hell for refusing. There is no space here for a compromise.

    He chose you because you are young and naive and easily manipulated, not because he cares about you. Please get some better standards.

18. I’m sorry but you are a complete doormat

19. You’re already on an open relationship.
    You just need to decide that that’s not for you enough to leave.

20. You aren’t his girlfriend. You are his decade younger side piece.

21. He should be your ex. He doesn’t respect you nor love you like he claims

22. Kick him to the curb. If you don’t want an open relationship why are you staying. He doesn’t respect your feelings. Run! And don’t look back.

23. You can love him and not want to be with him. This does not sound like a healthy relationship. I wouldn’t be with him out of respect for myself.

24. He’s made it an open relationship, without your consent. Now he’s trying to get that permission. You’d be crazy to stay with this guy another day – how many times do you want your heart broken by this asshole?

    And STOP making excuses for his behaviors! Either he gets some therapy to get his head pulled out of his arse, or you leave him.

25. Wow you made a ton of excuses for him in your post.

    ​

    You deserve better. I don’t know you and I’m still confident saying that.

    ​

    Just leave and find someone who maybe doesn’t cheat on you and try to convince you that you should be OK with them fucking other girls.

26. >We’ve been dating for over 2 years and I found out 2 months ago that he has been cheating on me for over a year with another girl.

    24 months – 2 = 22 months – 12 months = 10 months. You had 10 months of a faithful relationship and at least 12 months of exposure to who knows what. Dump him.

    >he desires to have sex with other girls. **He wants to open the relationship** where he can just has sex like a one-night-stand, no serious intention, just sex. **And I feel disgust with that idea.**

    That sounds like incompatibility. Dump him.

    > Sorry if I offend anyone but it’s just not for me.

    Nothing wrong with that! Dump him.

    >But for me, sex is something that I only share with the person I love. Being love isn’t enough for me. I want to be the only one because I treat him like he’s the only one. The thought of him having sex with someone else and going home like nothing and having sex with me later disgust me. I feel dirty.

    Again, nothing wrong with that! Nothing for you to change. Just more incompatibility. Dump him.

    > I just can’t seem to find a solution for this.

    There is a solution for this. Dump him.

    >I hope to meet him in the middle of this that we can both live together happily.

    The “middle” is a complete compromise for you – letting him sleep with other people and no compromise for him – he would still get to sleep with other people even if you limit the number. There is no compromise between open and closed. A partially opened door is open.

    Dump him.

27. I have nothing to say except, run, run so far away from this man.

28. There isn’t really much room for a middle ground here… You want to be monogamous and he doesn’t. That’s basically what it boils down to. That’s one of those deal breaker types of situations, unless you can somehow find a common ground by splitting hair and having highly specific and restrictive rules you both agree on (things like, he can only do it once a year, or it can’t be someone he knows, or only specific acts, or whatever)… But truly, it does not sound like you’re willing to consider any of that (which is totally valid. His wants and needs are not more important than yours here). He’s also already proven to you he’s not trustworthy by cheating on you in the past, so it’s not like any of those rules would mean anything to him anyway, since he already broke the existing rules you had.

    If someone wants to open up their relationship, they sort of need to have that conversation BEFORE anything happens outside the relationship, even before anyone has anyone specific in mind, and both parties need to be 100% in agreement. You need to both be all-in. Otherwise, it just becomes cheating with extra steps and your relationship will only have loose boundaries that will constantly be pushed. Basically, it won’t work.

    What he’s looking for is basically permission to cheat on you. He doesn’t care about how you feel about it, and from the way he begged and pleaded for you not to break up with him, he’s basically not respecting your feelings at all and is hoping you will eventually give in to what he says. Not sure what he’s hoping to accomplish by saying he’ll go to therapy (other than convince you not to break up) because, unless therapy somehow makes him realize how much he’s not respecting you as a partner and he truly gives up on this idea of opening the relationship, there’s kind of no point in therapy, because at the end of the day:

    He wants to open the relationship, and you don’t. You are monogamous and he is not.

    That should be the end of that discussion.

    There’s nothing to work out in therapy as long as you each have this stance. He just hopes to wear you down over time and convince you to accept his terms so he can cheat guilt-free. That’s all he’s doing: biding his time so he can get you to give him permission to sleep around. And he’ll likely continue to cheat while he waits for you to change your mind.

    He may have spent 10 years in a toxic relationship, but it seems like he picked up a few tips from that experience, and is using them in your relationship. This relationship is not healthy for you.

29. I would dump him ASAP. Dont do the open relationship.

30. You already showed him that you’ll forgive him for sleeping around. A year long affair is a long time. Now he thinks he can have you as his safety and get any other girl he wants also. This is clearly not the kind of relationship that you want, you should get out while you can.

31. Of course this is an age gap relationship

32. The benefits of a committed relationship are things like a feeling of safety and security, a dependable base from which to live your life, a feeling of belonging.

    It comes with a a cost.

    The cost is that you don’t get the excitement of new sexual partners.

    Your partner selfishly wants to have both, and in doing so, he is deliberately depriving you of all the benefits of a committed relationship (because you can’t feel safe and comfortable with him).

    He is selfish and unloving. He wants the benefits without paying the costs.

    You are worth more!

33. Dump him and go to therapy

34. I stopped reading at “he cheated on me”

    You excusing his cheating has literally opened the door to more of this behavior. He’s only telling you to open the relationship because you caught him. He knows you won’t leave him and he probably thinks it’s because of the green card thing (even if it’s not, who cares what the reason is). He thinks you will tolerate this behavior the rest of your relationship. He’s not broken, he’s a manipulator.

35. No no no, you can’t be su gullible.

    He is manipulating you. Please, for the love of God, leave him before it gets worse, especially in a foreign country…

36. Did it occur to you that his past “Toxic” relationship wasn’t toxic for the reasons you’ve been led to believe? He is the toxic one. And if he thinks there is any excuse for cheating or that sleeping with others is no big deal… And that its important to him to “not miss out on hot chicks” and to have “fun stories to tell friends” (so in other words, be able to brag that he can screw whoever he wants and his gf will look the other way…) Chances are high that he probably got caught cheating in the past relationship but she had enough self respect to throw out the trash.

    And I’m willing to bet he wants to open the relationship *for him*, not you… Am I guessing that right? Given his alleged “fear” that you “don’t love him” I doubt he’d be secure enough for you to have the same privileges.

    He has no respect for you. This isn’t him working through trauma. This is him using the LIE of past trauma to manipulate you into letting him openly disrespect you and keep you leashed. Its not his past relationship that was toxic, its the current one and its because HE is the toxic partner.

    And quite frankly, this tool doesn’t deserve love. He deserves to be left at the curb on trash day.

37. This is not the way to go about opening a relationship. This guy can’t even be trusted in monogamy, he definitely can’t be trusted in polyamory. He has literally been cheating on your for half of your relationship (probably more) with someone else. Are you sure you’re even the actual girlfriend here and not just something on the side? Why would you possibly want to stay in this????

38. Girl, he’s playing you.