Sure folk I know will recognise this but they can simply cope.
Friends, countrymen, lend me your eye-holes!
This will be long, but will be chunked into:
– what has currently happened
– the background
– what my options are
I recognise these questions may be better posed to a therapist, however due to the current economic climate my therapist has four legs and spins on the spot for cooked potato.
Current situation
My (28f) dad (58ishm) told me and my sister (23f) he was having a small surgical procedure about a week before he was due to have this, via a WhatsApp chat.
On the day, we discover from his sister that is it in fact open heart surgery (also via WhatsApp). Dad does not text us beforehand, we find out this pretty much as he’s in theatre.
Full details are that he’s known for months, known there was an acute threat to his life, and evidently has informed only his accountant and girlfriend of fifteen years. We had no opportunity to speak to or visit him, as we were effectively given such little info about this that we thought he was going for some minor keyhole stuff. Have to confront the reality of my dad’s mortality on Monday morning during a work meeting, an entire country away. Only source of info from my aunt, who is in turn getting it from his girlfriend. He is sedated for over 24 hours, the surgery took 9.
Chaos unleashed upon family that has not been seen since I accidentally told my mum to ‘fuck off’ for burning a hole in one of my skirts when I was 19.
Phone calls were made, messages sent, words were spoken, takeaways were consumed feverishly and with little thought as to what naan bread would pair well with a nihari (not a peshwari, I’ll tell you that for free). No one has a clue what the fuck is going on.
Dad has woken up and is confused.
He has since surgery:
– phoned me once for five minutes
– not phoned my sister at all
– updated his company Facebook page to tell them he’s still alive
– forgotten my birthday
Obviously, he’s recovering from a major surgery so I’m torn between ‘fair enough’ and ‘if you remember to tell your Facebook followers about estimated shipping time changes, you can remember my fucking birthday and that you have another daughter’.
My mum is getting over involved and is trying to liaise through my aunt to get him to speak to his adult children properly. This creates tension between me and mum, as a result, as she continues to cover for and excuse his nonsense.
He did not do this to avoid us worrying, he did this because he personally could not deal in a mature or normal way with having this surgery. It is an act of self-preservation.
Background:
Growing up, I would describe my dad’s nature as volatile and immune to the concept of change. My sister and me were often put in the position of managing his emotions and effectively looking after his feelings. He was a very angry person, he was a nightmare to live with. Very critical, I in particular could do nothing right.
He would get blackout drunk routinely when he was meant to be looking after us and accuse my mum of cheating on him in front of us (I was about 11-12 at this point). He was neither physically present as a parent nor emotionally.
Anyway, after he cheated on my mum (I know, lol) and left her when I was 13 things generally calmed down. He moved down to England and, after repeated emotional let downs, we don’t really have a functioning relationship.
In my more overtly bitter years as a young adult I would try to confront him, to no real benefit. I also tried to approach it kindly, and with a view to building a better relationship with him (something he did not reciprocate). He denies any major wrongdoing, but will say he was a bit of an arsehole (but obviously we should have endless sympathy for this because his dad was terrible and we don’t know how lucky we are). I did try cutting him off but my mum became very involved and upset so it introduces a lot of stress on the relationship I have with her too.
I haven’t seen him in six years, efforts to visit have not been made on either side.
Current options:
Prior to the events of last week I would have said that everything is probably ok and the relationship I have with him is acceptable, and I’m fine just ignoring it on my terms.
Except, through this nonsense, we can see it’s not really on my terms – it is, as always and with everything, on his terms and he is still able to invite a lot of painful emotions and madness into my life via his actions and the effect he has on the actions of other people. I recognise that my mum facilitates this.
I am looking to vent here to an impartial place, I suppose, but also to discuss and find out what steps I can take to actually have a relationship with him that is under my control and not at the mercy of his bizarre choices. Also, I guess, to find out if I’m an arsehole and just treating poorly a man who has undergone major surgery.
Tl;dr dad had major surgery, bringing up a lot of childhood madness due to how he handled it. How can I create better boundaries here, for me, in a way that gives me control over the relationship?