I think growing up my dad paid no attention, hardly made conversation. Whenever i had anything to share or anything to say whether i was proud or happy to share, it was always brushed off. And his only ever response was “cool” Or “nice” and than he’d continue doing whatever he was doing. So now i grew that habit of responding like that to everyone. I also don’t know how to make/ keep conversations with things I’m not interested in. Tbh it’s been adding to my depression being like this because i see people make conversation with their family not only that i see people making convo with strangers so east and i guess i tend to compare my self to them and well I’m sure u could tell how i feel. I guess i kind of feel like what i have to say is not important and it doesn’t matter. So i May struggle making conversation due to believing that others thing and feel the same way my dad does. And idk how to get my self out of it. Has anyone else dealt with something like this? If so how did you heal? And what helped?
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Yes. I understand your feelings- I had a similar upbringing it sounds like.
I found learning my attachment style helped me understand a lot and gave me a place to start. It gave me a lot of insight.
Another suggestion is to read up on CPTSD. It can be the result of an upbringing like ours. Check out r/cptsd too.
You’re not alone. Hugs.
Story of my life, and I didn’t even realize just how off my upbringing was until my late 20s, so I feel very very behind in the social department. I don’t even really know how to form bonds with people because my parents barely interacted with me. And by the time I started school, I was already lacking in social skills and was generally deemed weird, so I wasn’t able to develop those skills there either.
I don’t know what to do about it either. I’m afraid I’m always going to be like this to at least some degree.
My dad has always been that tough love, “do better” kind of father. I remember being a kid and always being pushed to do better. I remember I was made to do homework that was a few grades more advanced than my peers because he didn’t like how quickly I finished the assigned work my teachers gave me because it was clearly “too easy”. I knew how to do physics in elementary school and calculus by the time I was in junior high.
In sports he always had criticism no matter how well I did. Didn’t matter the sport. Didn’t matter whether he was qualified to be giving criticism. I just had to be better than I was on any given day. I could have scored a hat trick but I missed a chance for a 4th goal. I remember doing track and field events and he would tell me how my form could have improved, even though he didn’t have any experience or real justification to tell me how to do better. Before, his complaint was that I wasn’t not fast enough to beat the other kids. And then it became you’re not fast enough to beat the record. And then when I had the city record, he’d just say I still could’ve improved on it if I just didn’t do XYZ or if I did ABC better. I think at its core, he just wanted me not to limit myself and to keep striving to raise my potential no matter what I applied myself to.
But in reality, he just always moved the finish line on me and robbed me of praise and validation. It got to a point in my life where a sibling came around and the attention and pressure was off me which allowed me to relax a bit more. But to this day it still kind of affects me if I’m being honest.
I am a perfectionist in the extreme. Probably a bit too meticulous for my own good, bordering on OCD but not quite. I work really hard and have exceptionally high standards and a relentless work ethic as a result of all this. Which sounds great but it’s really difficult because I can never satisfy my own standards because like the ideals my dad instilled in me, I can always do better. I work in a field where perfect isn’t always possible so it’s really stressful some days when I fall short of my own expectations.
I think people looking in just see the result of my hard work but they don’t see the stress, fear, and sacrifice that comes daily with high-functioning anxiety. It’s taken me a lot to be better and though I still have a long way to go, I think recognizing it is the first step in overcoming it.
While I think it’s worked out well for me and while I’m actually glad my dad pushed me to this level of success, I don’t think I’ll ever do that to my kids because I know what it’s like being in these big shoes I’ll never fill.
yeah. I grew up a social outcast because of it LOL
Wow, It feels good to feel not alone.
u/Throwaway42352510, u/ayuxx, u/ToyUndercoating, u/LastofU509
Do you guys feel hate towards your parents since their actions will make you struggle all of your life?
Do you guys found any solution to counter these issues?
Therapy. Lots of therapy
Yes I did. They were neglectful and abusive.
I fixed it (to the extent I have) by going to social events and making conversation with strangers, and not quitting at that no matter how many times it has gone badly.
You don’t get better at it after day 1, you get better slowly over the course of multiple years. Have consistency and be patient.
Absolutely. This is probably the main realization I’ve come to since I started to learn about psychology and started to reflect on myself and my life path. My parents could never communicate in a normal or healthy way, and as a result, neither could I. Even though I’ve improved since moving out, I think to this day I am experiencing the consequences of it.
Same. My dad died 6 months after my mom gives birth to my younger brother. I was 6 at that time, so she had to raise us by herself. She was always busy and we never really bonded. She always leaves me in my room to watch tv all day while she manages her business.
I hope you’re doing okay. I really don’t have any advice since I am also trying to fix my social skills. it is sad but nice to see that I am not the only one who has the same problem.