I had a mental breakdown last month. I work in a very toxic job. We are contract workers so it makes it difficult for us to leave. The job is half way across the country and I moved here to follow my dreams. However, it ended up not being what I thought. I struggle with depression and anxiety and the job has intensified that. I decided to take a leave of absence after I broke down in tears before a presentation. One of my coworkers told me 10 minutes before , how badly my coworkers talk about me. I knew people made comments about my work before. They said I seemed to have no confidence, and commented on how quiet I was and how my voice sounded like I had no energy and that I didn’t want to be there. I never noticed any of this and it hurt even more, knowing that I tried so hard to hide my social anxiety. I know I’ve worked so hard and have put my mental struggles on the back burner, but that just crushed me and made me feel like the same little girl who was bullied years ago , neglected and never felt good enough her entire life.
It’s nice to have time away from work , but I didn’t realize how work was my only source of social interaction. I don’t have much friends. There’s one coworker I befriended when I first moved here. We live in the same apartment complex, but overtime I felt like she didn’t really like being around me. Sometime I felt like I annoyed her. The times we were together, it felt like she didn’t want to be there. I always felt like she just befriended people, for her own benefit . It got to the point where she stopped inviting me to places and declined my invitations to hang out. However she still helped me out with favors, but it always seemed like a Quid Pro Quo.
She, along with other coworkers reached out to me when I took my leave absence to see if I was okay. I responded and thanked them for their concerns. I’ve been extremely lonely and I sometimes feel like I’m going insane. I want to hang out with people, but I don’t have any close friends. I worry about being around my coworkers because I’m not close to anyone enough to be comfortable to share my struggles. I’m just not ready for that. I know I might breakdown again . I know how gossipy my job is and how word could spread. Also the one “friend” I felt like I was closest to, is very close to management. She will be moving away soon. She’s hosting a going away party. As much as I’d like to be there, I just feel like it could trigger more anxiety for me, knowing my coworkers will be there.
I don’t know what to do.