Basically. My (24F) fiancée (32M) has admitted to me that our sex life makes him feel unloved. He does the majority of the work and initiates as I am self conscious and find it hard to feel sexy and therefore initiate.
I didn’t enjoy giving oral but I practised on him and eventually got to a point where I felt confident and knew I was doing a good job. However I don’t like him watching me as I genuinely feel like I look gross and he wouldn’t finish if he saw me (honestly he’s never made me feel ugly or anything it’s just my own insecurities). This has lead to me basically training him to only finish when his legs are covered by the quilt anyway so I feel like if I let him watch he won’t finish and then it’ll reenforce my negative thoughts that I look ugly?
I had a baby 6 months ago via emergency C section and it was a very traumatic time the baby was 2 months premature and spent time in NICU and nearly died as I had a cord prolapse after my waters broke 2.5 months early.
I never planned for a C section so I never planned to have a scar and it make me feel disgusting. I am covered in stretch marks and. Have the most ugly scar as it was an emergency so it’s bigger than it would normally be and looks like I was butchered…..
Anyway he never said it grosses him out but it makes me feel disgusting which is so strange because I know it isn’t a big deal but I can’t get over it. So I don’t want to go on top and I don’t want to be looked at so I’ve become accustomed to basically laying there and taking it…
What I’m asking for is advice on how to become a more active participant in the bedroom? I genuinely don’t think I am good on top and doubt I can make him finish but I really want to make him happy as he feels unattractive himself because I don’t seem attracted to him when I don’t want to actively participate.
I should add I have been trying he loves 69 but I fucking hate it and feel so self conscious but I have made a conscious effort to do it when he asks because he tells me he finds me attractive so I try to ignore the voice screaming at me telling me I look gross and unattractive to him….
I genuinely feel like a virgin and I have no idea how to actually put in the work and allow us both to enjoy me taking control…..
Please help!
5 comments
You have serious and deep insecurities that you need to tackle before you can improve your sex life.
Some required reading: the books _You Can Heal Your Life_ and _Come As You Are_.
I know this isn’t terribly realistic as you have a newborn, but if you can find time and space in your budget for some virtual therapy, find someone who can give you tools to start changing your thinking.
A daily meditation practice may also help. Meditation teaches you how to focus on your body and notice when your thoughts are going off on a tangent. It can help you reign in the peanut gallery in your brain that starts talking to you during sex.
I know these are big asks for a new parent, but there is no magic wand you can wave to fix your self esteem issues. If your fiance is serious about improving your sex life he’ll make an effort to help you find time and money to do these things. Tell him what steps you’d like to take and what support you need from him to make it happen.
You have serious self image issues that need to be dealt with. I suspect that once they are, you won’t have any more issues in the bedroom.
You’re 24. Ok a c-section scar isn’t what you’d hoped for but it was always a possibility. And so what? It sounds like your husband doesn’t care. It doesn’t sound like it bothers him.
I’m 58. My wife is 53. Two years ago she went through breast cancer. She had a double mastectomy where they used tissue from her belly to reconstruct her breasts. Show now she’s got a scar across her belly (almost certainly far bigger than yours) and scars on both breasts. Does that make her less beautiful to me? Hell fucking no it doesn’t. She’s my gorgeous sexy wife. But just like you she had body image issues even before cancer. She’s overweight and that bothers her. It made her feel like she wasn’t beautiful. No matter how often I told her she was, she didn’t believe me.
But something has changed because now she does. She gets her lashes done, her nails done, she gets a Brazilian. For the very first time in 23 years of marriage she bought two sexy negligees. Now when I tell her how beauty and sexy she is, she believes me.
We only see a very narrow view of you and your relationship with your husband. But from what you’ve described, it doesn’t sound like his feelings about you have changed. The problem seems to be how you see yourself.
Some therapy sessions would be a good investment. Find a way to love yourself more and I’ll bet your sexual relationship with your husband will take care of itself.
Ultimately he needs you to show lust and desire for him to feel lusted for and desired. If insecurities are stopping you from doing that, you have to work on fixing the insecurities. Exposure therapy works the best. Or quickest at least. Unfortunately, there is no other way around it.
You can’t do anything until you get control of the crippling body image and self image issues that you have.
I’ve been in your BF’s shoes. Sex is supposed to be fun and intimate. If you are lost in cloud of inadequacy and and self-consciousness, it’s really hard to meet him in that intimacy. In my experience, it’s like my partner isn’t really there in the moment with me because she’s totally consumed with what her stomach looks like. It can kill the vibe.
Have you done anything to address these issues? Do you have a therapist?
It’s not your job to make them happy. It’s YOUR job to make sure YOU are happy. And they for them.