Married 8 years, 3 kids. My second marriage. I’m so tied of trying to make this work – I don’t even want to try anymore. He’s passive aggressive and will do or say
things just to get under my skin (which he’s admitted to many times).
I homeschool and he is always threatening me that he’ll send the kids to public school – I feel constantly judged by him. When he gets upset with me, he doesn’t even have to raise his voice – the tone and words used do enough to scare me. I am afraid of him 50% of the time, never knowing if what I say or do will set him off. He never wants to talk or discuss things. Ever. I will talk to him and he doesn’t respond. When I say why aren’t you speaking he will say “I thought that was a rhetorical statement” or “hmm.” And two months ago he got fired from his job for poor performance so we are living on savings.
His saving grace is that he is an amazing father to our kids. Really really amazing – I wish the love and affection he shows them could be shared with me. But the difference in his interactions with my kids and with me are night and day. I’m so glad he’s such a good father, it would be nice to have a good husband.
Divorce is out of the question- I don’t want to be away from my kids and I can’t fathom having two failed marriages. I guess I just wish I could have a happy marriage. I thought I was marrying my bff – my partner for life. And instead, I feel like I’m living with a judge-mental uncaring ,cold roommate.
3 comments
I know you said divorce is out of the question but you don’t owe anyone ANYTHING except your kids. The kids will still have a mother and father if you do get divorced. It sounds like you aren’t happy and kids pick up on that which can cause more harm than just divorcing.
Is he threatening to you? You said that you are afraid and that worries me. Is the abuse pretty much all verbal abuse? I don’t really know what to tell you if you don’t feel divorce is an option, but this relationship skills course online [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MGdgUP8XLwc&list=PLiUrrIiqidTUau5F7ckXIY4G1Z0a96Cb3](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MGdgUP8XLwc&list=PLiUrrIiqidTUau5F7ckXIY4G1Z0a96Cb3) and the Beyond Bitchy (on setting boundaries) podcast [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MGdgUP8XLwc&list=PLiUrrIiqidTUau5F7ckXIY4G1Z0a96Cb3](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MGdgUP8XLwc&list=PLiUrrIiqidTUau5F7ckXIY4G1Z0a96Cb3) may help you learn some skills to tolerate the situation. I also think you might want to start making plans in case it escalates and you need to get out of there. Maybe get at least a part time job and save some money?
You are in a very tough, heartbreaking situation. I’m so sorry that you’re going through this.
Marriage counseling, with a therapist or pastor, may be really helpful, and you could ask if he’d be willing to go with you. If not, please get help for yourself. Even though you are exhausted from trying, you keep doing all you know how to do, (to try to talk to your husband and feel you are getting nowhere).
You are a wonderful mother, & thankfully your husband is a wonderful father! It’s good that you want your marriage to become what it should and CAN be, which will be better for the kids as well as a great example to them.
Not being a psychologist, I have no idea, but I know sometimes if a man had a bad or abusive relationship with his mother, it can affect his relationship with his wife. Is that a possibility? If so, hopefully, he gets help and finds a resolution for his issues.
So when you have done all that you know how to do, the next best thing is to get HELP with the situation.
All the best to you, and your family!!!