We’ve been together for abouttt 10 months now now, and at first *I* was the one who wanted to hold off on sex. He really wanted it, but I just wanted to be sure that I wasn’t going to lose it to someone and then come to regret it soon after and he was fine with that. During the entirety of our relationship we’ve just been doing a lot of oral sex, dry humping, tit-fucking and hand stuff. I mean it’s safe to say we are both pretty satisfied.
But a couple of months ago I felt ready and wanted him to take my virginity. He essentially told me no and “wanted me to be sure.” I was very very sure, I want to have sex and I want it to be with him. I reassured him but he still is refusing, claiming that he “doesn’t want to hurt me.” When I ask for elaboration on that, he always just claims he “doesn’t know”. He still wants to do other things, and we’re both incredibly horny all the time but he just refuses now. Like we’ve come close, but he stopped right before he was about to slide into me.
I know he’s not a virgin, because he’s talked to me about it before. So I’m just confused about what’s going on and what he means?? At first I thought he meant physically as Ive never been penetrated vaginally at all (with fingers or anything) and the one time I did try to use a tampon it was incredibly uncomfortable and I couldn’t do it. He knows that but the idea used to excite him… which is why I initially thought that but it’s like, I’m now starting to worry that he means he doesn’t want to fuck me because he doesn’t think we’ll stay together?? Like his fear is hurting me emotionally or something? He refuses to elaborate and gets very awkward when I bring it up and is like “I’m fine with your tits for now, it’s fine” but idk. What can I do here? What is it likely that he even means or what could be going on??
3 comments
I know it’s slightly different, but I was after taking my (m) partner’s anal virginity for best part of a year. He had never been penetrated and didn’t feel ready. We did try inserting fingers, tongue, small toys and it was clear that he wasn’t all that comfortable yet, so I decided not to push the issue. We did other stuff. Eventually the started asking for me to fuck him, and honestly by that point I was nervous. I started putting it off a bit, for the same reason, because I thought I would hurt him. I thought even though he was now asking for it he might not enjoy it. I didn’t want it to cause an issue in the relationship.
Anyway, eventually I agreed and we got down to business lol. It went fine. He had spent the week previous playing with toys and getting used to having stuff up there. He had prepared mentally as well as physically. i would advise you do the same. If you are not used to having any penetration start small. Use your fingers on yourself, have him put his fingers inside you. As you relax and are able to enjoy it you can go bigger. PiV is often not that comfortable the first time, but that’s nothing to worry about. It gets better as your body gets used to it, and you get used to your body.
I appreciate your confusion between hurting you physically vs emotionally. Perhaps you might “ease into” vaginal play by him fingering you with one then more fingers to see how that goes? Not being able to take a tampon is concerning unless just the placement was the issue. He seems satisfied with other options, but are you having orgasms too? If so distinguishing between having fun vs commitment maybe the rub. Good Luck!
There’s a big difference between an idea and the reality of an idea.
I say that because you say the idea of you being unable to use a tampon used to excite him – and in theory, I can understand that: you are entirely “uncharted” territory and yes, as a man, the idea of being the first person to do something as intimate as that can be very sexy to imagine. However now the fact is that the chance is actually there now you want to do it, the reality is hitting him – you’ve never used a tampon, never fingered yourself, hell, take a look over this forum and you’ll see many posts from women who HAVE used tampons and fingered themselves – sometimes even had previous partners – and suddenly something happens with a certain person and it hurts all of a sudden. So with you being SO completely new to being penetrated, his hesitance is understandable; he doesn’t want to be the one to cause hurt to someone he cares for.
What you need to do is reassure him that if anything hurts that you WILL tell him and that if he stops when you tell him to, that you won’t hold the pain you felt against him and that you can simply try again another time. Be sure that he listens to you when you say that to him so that he knows you are serious. He needs to know that he is safe as well as you do. I can recall one time, not even during anything sexual, during a freaking dance lesson, I lifted my wife and then put her down, but, it being my first ever ballroom dance, I didn’t do it right and ended up cracking her rib. She jokes about it every now and then and even though I laugh about it, a part of me STILL beats myself up for doing that to her and I am deliberately overly cautious whenever I touch her waist and have never had the confidence to go back dancing with her, and that was over a decade ago and we still got married so it isn’t like it did any lasting damage to our relationship. If your bf is anything like me he is just now aware that the idea is becoming reality and with reality come possible consequences.