Yo!

So the background for this is that I (25M) have a favorite coffee shop. Been going there for awhile now, usually 2-3 times a week and first thing in the morning since I have early work. Very chill and friendly place, laid back, great atmosphere, great coffee. It would hurt a lot if it ever got socially awkward for me to be there. Well…

Like I said, usually I’m there first thing in the morning, so about half the time it’s just me and whoever’s barista-ing (is that a word?), and I’ve gotten to know the few that work there in the morning, and am generally on at least small-talk terms with all of them.

One of them’s a woman about my age (yup, it’s that kinda post), who’s usually there more than the others. Like I said, it’s early morning, so a lot of the time it’s just me and her in the shop. I really didn’t think much of it, we’d usually make some small talk, I’d order my coffee, and go read a book/work/generally zone out in my usual place.

I def started to crush on her a bit, maybe I stuttered or got a little awkward because of it, but generally I ignored it since I wanted a peaceful place to zone out above all else. And it wasn’t all bad, once in awhile she’d step over and start another round of small talk when she got a free moment.

Anywho, I went a few weeks where I didn’t see her at all, just sorta assumed she stopped working there, felt a bit down about it, and got on with my life. Then I went there with a friend (a few of us go together every so often), and went to the front to get a second coffee. Saw her at the counter and my. brain. crashed. Turns out I just happened to go on days she wasn’t working (I sorta go at random).

It wasn’t a complete dumpster-fire of small talk, but she had to notice how stuttering and jumpy I was (gave me a slightly weirded out look). And she wasn’t the only one working behind the counter at the time (double ouch). Been ruminating on it all day and feel awful about all of it — potentially making things awkward for her, potentially axing my favorite coffee shop in the process, etc.

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Last bit of background: I’m coming from a place where I had extreme social anxiety and depression. As in, stuck in bed for days at a time, several years being deathly afraid to talk to others, lost contact with most of my friends. I spent the last two years hammering myself to improve — therapy, lotsa exercise, social contact, etc. I’ve gotten to a place where I’m stable, maybe a little awkward, but otherwise good at chatting and have a small loop of friends, and find myself getting out an okay amount.

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So, I think I maybe have three ways forward? I really want a reality check from some other people since I’m so socially disoriented on this.

1. Do the bold thing and express interest. Probably just give her a business card with my number on it and follow it up with a “no worries if you need to toss it, but feel free to drop a text”. Online answers from women on this seem split 50/50 on “no, never ask out someone at their job” and “depending on the environment, go for it as long as you respect their boundaries”. I haven’t asked someone out in person in years, so expect stuttering and visual lack of confidence. Also, biggest chance of axing my favorite coffee place.
2. Ignore it, try and bury feelings, keep status quo. I’m not super confident I could do this. I think I already made things weird, and it would be hard to keep what I’m thinking from being written across my face every time I go in. I would almost be able to move on better if I got a hard “no” from No. 1.
3. Stop going there. The depressive in me wants to do this, just avoid any potential awkwardness or pain, and find a new place to feel comfortable at.

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Whew, anyway, sorry for the rant. I would super appreciate input. Especially from women, since I’m trying to not make things super weird for her.

1 comment
  1. I figure you have two options:

    1. If you like the coffee shop more than her: next time you see her acknowledge that you were acting off. Say you had a lot on your mind or were distracted or something. Be casual and nonchalant about it. You don’t want to ignore it but also don’t want her to know you’ve spent this much time thinking about it.

    2. You like her more than the coffee shop: ask her out for coffee or a beer or something. Make a joke about wanting to take her out for coffee but don’t know if she wants to because that’s her day job. If you’re worried about putting her in a weird spot leave your number instead of asking for hers. If rejection is going to make you feel weird about going back you might need to find a new place. Personally I would accept the awkwardness as a way to get a little more used to being comfortable in uncomfortable situations.

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