Older college student here, hoping for actionable skills and advice.
I have practically no support system or social group in place right now and I’m trying not to be grave about it. But it’s difficult. Because even if I become the kind of person who is outgoing or takes the first steps to form friendships I still feel disadvantaged by the fact that I don’t really have friends.
I think when we meet a new person, I think it’s helpful to have a trusted friend’s perspective. Not in a gossipy way, but kind of being able to reflect on who this new person is and whether you should fit them into your life. But now that I’m alone, the burden of making judgments rests entirely on me. I have to know whether this complete stranger is good or not. I can’t get input from anyone else, and I can’t say “X is my friend’s friend so I know he’s cool.” I think the worst dynamics can come from intense isolation and not having a second perspective on how someone treats you. I always feel vulnerable to mistreatment because of how little input and support I get. How do I safely make the jump from stranger to trusted friend? I definitely don’t know, so I get stuck in this feedback loop where I isolate even more.
Also, it feels odd to have nobody and then go out to try to make a complete stranger your friend. Like it’s too high-stakes for me. And if they knew what was going on in my life, it would be too high-pressure for them. Isn’t it disingenuous for me to try to strike up conversations about music or food when the endgame is to build something so much more serious than that? Like so much is riding on this, and they don’t even know it. Reality is, I don’t find most things worth talking about. Sometimes I find myself in mundane conversations with classmates and I can feel this urge to turn the conversation into something about my family or my dating life or something. I’ll stop myself but the fact that I have to stop myself makes me feel like I have a hidden agenda (of needing support).
The logical answer might be to wait it out and let relationships progress as they should; at the same time if I’m dealing with anything remotely difficult the first thing that gets damaged are my tenuous ties to my not-quite-friends who I can’t keep in the loop.
It’s not fun being where I am. I can go weeks without having a conversation with anyone besides a couple thank-yous to service workers or raising my hand in class. My wins and losses go completely unheard. Some guy spilled a cup of coke on me the other day. It didn’t make me that mad or anything but I just remembered thinking it’s crazy that my feet are wet and my slides are getting sticky and I don’t have anyone to tell this story to.
There are so many roadblocks to making friends, and many of them are related to not having friends in the first place.
2 comments
If you’re willing to trust the judgment of your friends, use that ability to trust the judgment of your gut.
A lot of people don’t trust their gut because they don’t see how it makes sense to trust their gut. But if you can understand how it makes sense to trust another person who likes you, you should be able to understand how it makes sense to trust the animal instincts of your body, which is the product of billions of years of evolution.
If you don’t know what it means to trust your gut, it means to pay attention to the physical feelings in your literal gut when you think about a person.
If you don’t know what your gut is saying, your first objective should be to develop an awareness of this. You can meditate every day for five minutes just paying attention to your body to help develop this awareness.
>There are so many roadblocks to making friends, and many of them are related to not having friends in the first place.
Exactly. Kind of like how not having a job makes it way harder to get employed.
I am literally in the same situation as you, not sure how it helps but just wanted you to know that you’re not the only one facing this chicken and egg problem.
I suspect that the best way to develop any friendship regardless of the things in common, is continued exposure. Spending time together is the best way to increase emotional attachment.
This exposure can be gained naturally through shared activities like hiking, dance classes, etc. Since we both don’t have people who can provide support through their judgements, we will have to take a risk by spending time with multiple people and hoping that some of them pay off.
Once we find a handful of people who we can mildly rely on, we can try and expand the number of people we meet. With time, this might build layers of foundation for our support system.
Then again, I’m in the same situation as you so this is all just guess work and might not be the best way forward but without any changes life will surely stay the same.