I’ve been with her for in a relationship for over a year now. Before that we were FWB for about 3 months until one day she asked me out. Now she’s a special little nugget, when I first met her, and at the time I didn’t even know this but she was a lesbian who decided to try a guy, well color me the luckiest man ever because I guess I was the one she picked and we kinda got close while we were FWB supporting each other through bad times and personal issues.
Over the last year we’ve created a wonderful relationship, we’ve never had any bad arguments or any fights, we have amazing communication between each other and we re-affirm our feelings and thoughts to each other all the time. We have a fantastic sex life and it’s never been a question in my mind that she wasn’t attracted to me. She tells me all the time and she really puts in the effort to show it.
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But this brings us to the problem at hand that I’ve not been able to stop crying about since Sunday. She hasn’t ever found any other man attractive before, I don’t know if she’s attracted to me because of the person I am or what. On a car drive home on Sunday she told me she wanted to take 2 weeks to herself to figure out if she wants to get serious in our relationship, She’s scared that what if 20 years down the road she realizes she isn’t happy to be in a relationship with a man even if she does love me. On top of this we are looking to move in together at the beginning of next summer. which brings us to another problem.
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She grew up in a very religious house hold to the point where most of her sisters didn’t even sleep in the same house, let alone bed with their Husbands until they were actually married. The family all kinda knows she’s a Lesbian but don’t want to accept it. If she moved out it would more or less sooner than later get back to them that she is living with a man which will de-legitimize her own sexuality because they’ll probably pull the classic, “see we knew you were just confused your don’t actually like women”, and on top of that some of them may disown her for sleeping with a man she isn’t married with. She really loves her family, especially her niece’s and nephews and I think she may be worried that she might lose access to them.
For some extra context, she’s never been in any sort of serious long term relationship like this, and she want’s to find out if she’s all in or not. Thankfully after talking to her friends she’s come to this point to deal with this issue of her’s now instead of years from now, and although it hurts me like all hell I know this has to happen for her right now.
When she told me on the car ride on Sunday I cried for more or less 3 straight hours on the drive home. 2 years ago I left a serious relationship in which my ex-fiance cheated on me with one of my best friends and it was about as nasty as you could imagine. My brain is going into damage control mode and is looking at this like were breaking up right now. She told me multiple times that she loves me and that she is still my GF and to not think about it in any other way, she was very affectionate before she left Sunday night.
What my problem is right now, I’m feeling dead inside right now, we didn’t do a great job laying out the exact boundaries for this “not a break”. I also feel like some of these issues she may be having could be talked out between each other and it’s eating me up knowing that MAYBE there’s something I could do, anything really. I want so desperately to keep this relationship I love her so much. She’s messaged me some heart emoji’s yesterday as well as asking if I’m okay and that she loves me but I didn’t respond because I don’t know what I should do.
TLDR: My GF doesn’t know if she is ready to commit to a serious relationship with a me (a guy) because she (a girl) isn’t really attracted to men outside of me, +potential family fallout from it.
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EDIT: just wanted to add one of the only SUPER CLEAR boundaries we had was that neither of us are going to see other people during this, she made it very clear that we are still together in this.
9 comments
Sounds like you should run brother. Seems she isn’t sure what she wants in her life right now. If you’re looking for a relationship with a future maybe this girl isn’t the one
You just need to let her get on with this an
I can understand her confusion and need to resolve this in her mind before she committs completely
She could be bisexual, she could be pansexual. She’s also got the family pressure, sprinkled with religion. It’s complicated
Unfortunately there is nothing you can do to change or influence her mind. This is something she needs to work through
Fingers crossed
You can write how you are feeling. That it’s not just about how she is feeling, because you want to know where you are standing too. If she doesn’t want to commit or this break is that she wants to clear the question of her sexual orientation (as it seems you are afraid of) then you should leave. As hurting as it may be, if she claims she loves, but isn’t willing to commit to you it’s only going to cause more and more pain down the line.
If you are so anxious right you might want to send message asking if she is using this break to see some other people.
The way she handled everything is a problem. So you guys were in a relationship for over a year but she’s just now deciding if she wants to be serious? Her feelings are valid, but if she wasn’t sure about being serious, she shouldn’t have suggested to be in a committed relationship. You first said you’re lucky she chose you as the first man to be with after only being with women, but this is literally why she is unsure. It just seems like the relationship itself was an experiment because she wanted to see what a relationship with a guy was like. She hasn’t been in a LTR in general, so she’s probably curious how something serious with a woman would be. In other words, is there something better for her so that she doesn’t regret anything “20 years down the road”. And even though she lives at home with her family, they know nothing about you? She was willing to risk her standing with the family by coming out as lesbian but she’s not sure if she’ll risk her standing by saying she has been with you? You were okay with being kept secret this whole time? Despite knowing all this, she still suggested a relationship, telling you how much she loves you, went along with planning to move in together, but all of this seems to suggest you’re just an option for her. An option she is questioning is worth the commitment. And it seems like you knew nothing about this despite your “amazing communication”. I do believe that if it’s not an enthusiastic yes, then it’s a no. None of this looks good for you.
I’d recommend that you brace for the worst.
She’s had a year to sort her s**t. I hate to think the worst, but these types of things generally result in the one wanting the break using the opportunity to take someone else for a “Test drive” before burning bridges with the current relationship.
Go about your life. Let her make the moves. Don’t let her control your happiness.
She’s not a lesbian. If you guys have an amazing sex life then she’s bisexual. (As long as it is an amazing sex life and it’s not just your impression).
So she wants to know whether to go all in? What does that mean? What about your current relationship is making her pause? And if she doesn’t want to go all in, what happens then? Do you break up? Does she want to continue being with you? What will that relationship look like?
And what do YOU want? It’s your relationship too. Your feelings matter. If she decides that she doesn’t want a committed relationship with you then is that enough for you? Do you split and give yourself to find someone who will want the same type of commitment you want? You should decide the answers to these questions as part of this ‘not break’.
Even if you’ve started this break, I’d contact her and set boundaries. She’s not to be with others, male or female. And the break is not to be indefinite. If she wants two weeks, she gets two weeks, no more. If at the end of the two weeks she asks for more time then it’s clear she’s not committed.
She’s scared that what if 20 years down the road she realizes she isn’t happy to be in a relationship with a man? Well welcome to life. No relationship is guaranteed to last no matter who it’s with. The success of any relationship depends on how much work each person puts into it. Maybe remind her of that.
It’s your relationship too
I would really consider moving on from this girl dude. She has quite a lot going on inside and she isn’t sure at all if she can even commit. Plus regardless of how “honest” people are when someone wants to take a “break” and that’s exactly what it is then its always a possibility she might try to hook up with another girl just to see if those lesbian “feelings” are still there. You need to prepare yourself for the worst and guard yourself against whatever she decides because at this point seriously committing to you is likely the least likely conclusion she is going to come to.
Don’t get involved with people who haven’t figured their sexuality out! This is coming from a personal experience, she is not sure and she might be sure for few years and then doubt will creep back up and then you are back where you started. I would say move on, because honestly I would have loved it if someone said the same thing to me years back! That also doesn’t mean that you can’t be friends in stay in each other’s lives.