I (30M) have been dating (30F) for 110 days. Specific I know but she is natively Romanian living in the UK and that’s how long I’ve been doing Duolingo…
Anyway, we have always talked about how we want to move in together eventually. She has mentioned that now she has been accepted into a university here that she wants to move from her town, which is the next town away from me, to mine.
This is all well and good but it’s definitely come sooner than I expected. We have probably met up on average once a week since we begin dating. She works nights and I work days so getting time together hasn’t been too easy. When we are together, be it in the day or staying over in a hotel, everything is amazing. But she comes from a very broken past. Currently lives in a house share. She’s literally been in a fight with some people she lives with because they destroyed some of her stuff. Told me she essentially smashed up the house. So it seems she has a violent side. Worries me a little.
Today we spoke in the morning. As I said above, she mentioned she’s ready to move now she’s been accepted into a university. She said am I going to be moving alone or with you. My response was well you should move for your own safety. Because we haven’t had chance to spend multiple days together yet, moving in fully together is a big step. A big commitment. So I said let’s take it slowly. You move because you need to either way and I can join you for say 3/4 nights a week at first to check that us spending prolonged amounts of time together is plausible. Her response was. Ok I will just move to the town of her university then.
I was stunned by this. I am just trying to be reasonable and realistic. I explained my points and views. She then goes on to saying I should have just told her if I only wanted sex. This has not been the case at all. It’s like she’s trying to say. We move in together or nothing, it’s over.
Was I wrong in what I said? It’s been 3 months seeing eachother once a week. Moving in together right now is a big step and the fact that I’m still willing to stay with her 3/4 nights a week as a trial period would still be a lot to some people.
I am currently waiting for her call and going to meet her shortly. If anyone cares I will update what the outcome of tonight’s meet is as obviously we will be discussing this in depth.
TLDR: Dating for 3 months. Given an ultimatum about moving in with her or it seems to be over.
3 comments
It depends on your situation – you’re both old enough to know what you’re getting into by moving in together.
I moved in with an ex after about 2-3 months and I don’t regret the decision at the time, though it did get complicated when we broke up.
Everyone’s reason is different – financial, situational, etc.
If she signs a lease for a year, that means you WON’T be moving in for at least the next 12 months and moving is both difficult and expensive, so I can understand the desire to not move twice in 13 months if your intent is to move in together anyway.
Alternatively, if you’re not feeling it, you know. 3-4 months of dating is pretty early for most people to talk about moving in together, so it’s not a totally crazy idea to postpone further.
I don’t think you’re wrong, but I also don’t think she’s necessarily wrong, either.
A bit soon. I usually start serious negotiations about moving in together at the 6 month mark (the length of an average lease). If you’ve been dating for 6 months, you’re in it for the long haul. If I had doubts I would have downgraded to casual at the first DTR and kept dating other people. 3 months is a little soon, but understandable in her case.
She’s 30 and she doesn’t want to fuck around. If she’s moving alone, and living alone, then she should have the option of dating other guys too. She’s tired of the once a week hookups and wants a genuine step forward. So, she’s going to be paying the rent and all the expenses so you can come around 3 to 4 times a week for a hang and bang? I’d lose my patience too.
Do not let a violent individual into your life or your very worst nightmares will come true.