I (24,F) have been dating my bf (27,M) for close to a year. He is a great guy but sex is the one area that never seemed to click. I started dating him pretty quick after another relationship and he’s a little shy, so I figured we would take a few months to fall into rhythm but at this point, I know it’s more than that.
I’m the type of person that could have sex every day, twice a day even, and he regularly replies to me asking for sex with, “We had sex twice this week already.” And I feel this same calculated approach during the act too. Even his kisses feel robotic when I’m craving a near-sloppy make out. He hasn’t gone down on me in months, I think he’s only done it a handful of times during the whole relationship. Being completely honest, he has never given me an orgasm and I feel resent towards the relationship because of this.
I’ve dropped hints and brought up my grievances intermittently, and we had a long talk recently where we came to the revelation that between full time work and getting his masters, he’s lost himself a bit and needs to take time to rest and live a little to reduce stress. But nothing seems to ever change. I just feel like what I’m seeking is so far off from where we are right now that talking about it might not be enough.
At this point, I miss passionate sex so much that I find myself daydreaming over hookups from years ago, and then feel guilty bc I shouldn’t be having those thoughts. I miss feeling sexy and wanted. I’m just starting to feel so desperate and don’t know if I can ever get there with this man.
So how can I navigate this? Are we just sexually incompatible or will taking things out actually make a difference (and how would I even have that conversation!?) Honestly, I’ve always been on the more submissive side so taking charge with anything sex related is pretty hard for me.
PS- I know I should’ve just been open with him from the start, but I let fear and procrastination get in the way and now I’m in a stickier situation. Definitely learning my lessons!
5 comments
You may just be incompatible. There’s a balance between compromising and otherwise settling on your wants, needs, and desires. I’m not saying it’s worth breaking up over, but 24, not married, no kids, it gets more complicated the longer you stay together
You being submissive and him being shy suggests there may be an incompatibility, but don’t give up too easily if you really like him. That said, talking it out is probably your best hope. Have a conversation in an environment where you guys are comfortable and relaxed – maybe go on a walk or get a drink. Tell him what you like about him physically and try to make it a positive discussion. It’s possible he’s being held back by feeling like he can’t please you and so don’t frame it in terms of what you’re not getting. Tell him some things that you really like and that turn you on, but start small so he feels like it’s doable and not so far out of his comfort zone. He won’t change overnight, but if you make incremental progress and he sees how much you like it and how fun it can be, he may become more open and willing to do more.
I’m in a very similar situation. Only difference is I’m the male and it’s been 4 years not one 🤦♀️.
I’m 24 as well.
I will definitely be following this. Let us know what happens!
Well you need to sit down and talk to him about how you feel.
I am now years into a sexless marriage. I jack a lot. I fantasize— but no longer about my partner. Do yourself a favor and walk away.