I met my boyfriend Jacob a couple years ago and told him soon into dating that one of of my dealbreakers is excessive gaming. My previous boyfriend had a gaming addiction, and I found out through that experience I’m just not compatible with men who are into competitive gaming. A video game here and there I don’t mind, but a daily hobby that takes priority over basic things like cooking, cleaning etc I’m not a fan. And he agreed and claimed he was not a big gamer.
Fast forward 2 years, things were fantastic. He’s always attentive and we enjoyed the same things. He would come over my apartment/I would go to his once or twice a week and we would have dinner and watch our shows/hang out. Then on weekends we would go out or do something outdoorsy and travel a lot.
We moved in together last month and suddenly he’s turned into a gamer. Like I mentioned, I don’t mind gaming, it’s excessive gaming that I mind. It doesn’t matter to me how he utilizes his time after work to decompress. But I started to notice patterns that I wasn’t crazy about. And he says he has been picking up gaming more and more recently and enjoys it.
Since we moved in, he will start work at 9am (we both wfh) and he’ll work with some gaming sprinkled in between. He wont eat anything until like 3pm and once he finishes work by 6 he goes on to game non-stop until 9 or 10, at which point he’ll realize he hasn’t eaten dinner and ends up ordering ubereats. Thats if I didn’t order/make something for the both of us at like 7 in which case he’ll just eat that. (Later at 10, not with me at 7)
So I’ve just been taking care of dinner by myself for the both of us since we’ve moved in and the only times we’ve eaten dinner together is when I’ve pulled him away from the tv screen to do so. This has resulted in a lot of arguing because I feel like he’s bordering on addiction. I’ve also done all of the cleaning since we’ve moved in, I’ve done our laundry and I’ve had to rally us to both take out the trash or both go grocery shopping because if I don’t then no one will. And I want to preface this with I’m not a neat freak by any means, I just do things when it’s time to do them/it can’t wait any longer. He claims that he will do whatever chore I want if I ask, that we just don’t have the same routine, but I feel like giving him instructions is a job in and of itself. Like we both live here, its not my job to keep an eye out for things that need to be done. Syncing up on one routine is one thing, but if the trash is overflowing or if there are no more dishes left or groceries in the fridge and you’re sitting there playing a video game it doesn’t feel like it’s about a routine, it just feels like you’re becoming addicted and neglecting common household duties/waiting for the other person you live with to get fed up and do it themselves. Which is what I have been doing every week since moving in. He claims he is not addicted and that he’s just gaming casually, and that I’m expecting him to do things that he’s not aware need doing, I.e ‘how would he know there were no more dishes left if he hasn’t even walked into the kitchen today’
I’ve told one of my friends all this and they say I have not properly communicated my expectations to him and would be jumping the gun to break up without properly communicating with him. I have told him many times over the past month how his excessive gaming is the deal breaker I talked to him about at the start of our relationship. But my friend said I need to express my expectations with concrete actions such as letting him know for example, that I would like us to have dinner at 6pm every day together and he can cook Monday/Wednesday/Friday and I take the other days. But to me, this seems futile and my previous experience tells me nothing will come of it. My friend even suggested perhaps a chore board, but that just makes me feel like his mother for me to be the one to bring that up. I feel like the onus is on him.
Anyway Reddit, I need some advice here, I love this man, I’m just not sure what to do now.
TL;DR
I told my boyfriend at the start of our 2 year relationship my deal breaker is excessive gaming and now I believe he is crossing that line, but my friend thinks I’m not trying hard enough to fix things.
13 comments
you are not out of line at all, while there are going to be people who completely disagree with me here because they themselves love gaming they fail to realize that your boyfriend has a problem. when gaming gets in the way of every day life and starts to have a negative effect on relationships then by definition its an addiction.
you know what your personal needs are and he is not meeting them. move on and find someone who will.
You moved in together and it’s not working because he’s doing the thing you told him was a dealbreaker from the start.
Your friend expects you to look past that and spoon feed your boyfriend his adulting responsibilities, a chore board… really? 🙄 he’s 28, not 8.
Have you expressed what you need out of a relationship without talking about gaming?
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“Hey partner, I need 3 dinners a week where we cook together and hang out with each other. I also need 1 date a week that you plan and one date a week that I plan. I also need things A, B, and C done every week. So lets make one night a week where we clean and do chores together to make sure they get done.”
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It does feel like hand holding. But it also doesn’t sounds like you addressed what you need and want directly and instead have focused on gaming. Instead of saying “I need you to game less” say what you need out of a live in relationship.
You see the situation for what it is. You know what you have to do. You already decided to do that till your friend put their opinion in your head and confused you. He’s not being a very good partner. He’s barely taking care of himself. An addict won’t admit they are wrong when it’s fun for them. Only when their life begins to deteriorate. You’ve told him what you need from him. I think you’ve communicated perfectly fine. He’s in denial. If he won’t change and wants to reply on you to be his mom with benefits, then leave. You tried 🤷🏻♀️
Oh, you absolutely should break up with him. But since you probably have to live with him for at least a bit while you find a way to deal with logistics, I would take him at his word – his lying. lying word. He will do whatever chore you tell him to do? Okay, here is a list of chores to do every single day:
check if the trash is overflowing and if it is, take it out
check what laundry needs to be done, and if any does, do it
check if there is any clutter or trash around the house and tidy it up
etc.
One list that you expect him to do every single day. You can write it out. Then you are done. He said he’d do what you asked him to do, so ask him once to do a daily list. Then see what he actually does.
I think you know it is over. You have already lived it once.
I’d give him one chance. Agree on some reasonable boundaries together (for example, I would consider no more than 2 hours a workday fair, limited to three workdays a week. And no more than say, four hours, one weekend day a week).
If he does that, great, problem solved. If not, seeya dude. If he breaks it once just bounce, its too early in the relationship to compromise on such a deal breaker. Also, it sounds like hes always gamed more than he let on, you just see it now since you live together. It would be a pretty big coincidence if his increase in gaming just happened to coincide with you moving in.
Your instincts are spot on. My husband and I often play games together after dinner, so I say this as someone who enjoys video games. Your boyfriend has a problem, and he’s being lazy and selfish. You wouldn’t be overreacting to break up with him.
So let me get this straight.
You think you should break up with someone for the following reasons:
He does about 3 hours of a stress relieving hobby, frequently
You are taking on additional chores on a “I feel” basis, Instead of him asking you to do so
You feel that moving in together means you both need to maintain your own cleanliness standards and routines
Just because you’re his girlfriend doesn’t mean you should be his only outlet in life. You did not notice his hobby because you guys did not get to see each other as frequently. You were his priority every time he got time with you because that time was rare. Now that you guys live together, you both need time for you. Gaming is his me time. You have your hobbies, im sure.
Now for chores/cleaning/shopping. Is this your first time living with a man? Speaking extremely generic, men typically are distracted and decompressing from the woes of life and do not notice the conditions of our living environment on first glance. We eat what’s available and go shopping on a scheduled day/time. If we dont have enough to make it through to the next shopping time, we tough it out rather than deal with more people/shopping. Now, if cleanliness doesn’t get to biohazard levels, then you are upset with your standards not being met. If they are biohazard, then you need a serious conversation with him about cleanliness.
If he is not meeting your needs as a companion, you need to talk, not argue. You do not set the ground rules for the home you compromise with your partner. Relationships are like business transactions. You have a hard line, a soft line, and an ideal line. Hard line, if crossed, means you are either communicating that it needs to be fixed or you’re gone. Soft line is what you can deal with, and ideal is self explaining.
Talk, listen, communicate, and decide if the transaction/relationship is worth it.
He pretended to be someone he is not and he now thinks you live together so he doesn’t have to pretend any longer. He is basically treating you like a f*** maid and a mother.
Listen OP, I am a gamer and so is my fiance but house chores & our time together never suffer.
Maybe after a few years of dating this relationship is worth giving one last Hail Mary go. Perhaps he’s just recently got really into this hobby in a way he wasn’t before, and hasn’t quite realized (or in the middle of his unadmitted addiction, doesn’t *want* to realize) that he’s so far gone. Either way.
Try to talk to him during work (not while he’s gaming) about having a serious conversation at X time (so he doesn’t get his addiction-interruption grump on). At X time, sit down and lay out that the relationship is suffering serious damage because a boundary you laid out and he agreed to is being trampled, and because he is no longer being present at all in the relationship. On this latter point it doesn’t matter that it’s gaming – he would be damaging the relationship if he were spending every waking non-work hour rock climbing or playing the clarinet.
He needs to accept that it’s gone too far, and agree to reasonable limits on his hobby time so that he can be a real part of this relationship anymore. He equally needs to do his chores when they need to be done, not in some nebulous “later” period that doesn’t take place (he can say “not right now” but then needs to give a reasonable deadline then and there as to where they will be completed, and stick to it). And then he needs to stick to all that.
If no to any part of this, then out the door you go (or throw his ass out if it’s your place).
MOVE OUT. No matter what you DO—–He will not listen to you and probably Not—-Even notice that you are gone. Things were fine because you had not yet moved in and he was willing to abide to keep you around. Now that you are IN, He is taking you for granted and taking advantage of your ways in which to keep the food on the table and the trash in the Pail and to clean the place up. Perhaps with you having moved In, He is escaping more now because you are living with him? I just split up with a LDR I had for 3 years and part of it was this stupid game he plays with “Children” mainly and so forth. Many other reasons I did as well. Maybe you should contemplate it too because at Christmas—–I am not seeing you being noticed under That—–Missing-Toe.
Well, your case is the typical you really never know someone unless you live with them. You kept saying it’s a dealbreaker then why are you still there?
You’re not married. You can always leave you know? If he really loves you, he will change his ways. But I don’t know. I think he’s a hopeless case. He is not the right one for you. IMO.