My (25 F) spouse (31 M) is rug-sweeping the fact that our toddler (1 F) failed her hearing test. He seems to think it’s unacceptable to indicate there may be anything “wrong with her”. I have… concerns.

37 comments

1. Did you two talk about the possibility of having a child with special needs before having kids? Did he seem open to taking care of the child no matter what? Is this the first time he has displayed issues with people with disabilities?

2. I am not a great writer, but I’ll give this a crack.

   First, I love your outlook on all of this. Yes, your husband needs to be educated as to what the issues are and what they mean both shot term and long term.

   I had fluid in my ears for years. Had the tubes, treatments, drops… I was lucky. As an adult I have excellent hearing. his is because my parents took the issue seriously.

   My daughter was born at 26 weeks. You can only guess what that ride has been like. You are going to face a few times where she is a mess, crying and asking what did she do to deserve this?

   Those were the moments I have never felt more powerless.

   Stay strong…keep doing what you are doing….she needs you to be there for her.

   ​

   Best of luck

3. Every kid is going to have something. Your job as a parent is to fix it if you can or figure out how to accommodate and nurture your child to be as functional as they can be. This is a very key developmental age. It needs to addressed.

   He may just need time to process. He’ll come around.

4. I just wanted to say you sound like an amazing mother. Your daughter will flourish with this love around her. I’m sorry you’re feeling abandoned in this moment of trial. People process things about health differently. Some actively seek information, like you. People like this want to understand surgery really clearly before their procedure, for example. Other people are “blunters” – they prefer less information and their coping strategy is to keep things at arms length for as long as possible. It sounds like maybe you’re a seeker and your husband is a blunter. He might just need time to change gears and his style of getting there sounds different to yours. That might not feel very comforting when you need him to join in with the conversation with you right now, though. Good luck in your onward steps. I hope you find great support for your daughter.

5. I agree with everything that you’ve said and you’ve done an amazing job of understanding and thinking about everything.

   You need to be having these conversations with your spouse, it sounds like there is something that is hitting a mental health nerve and every time you hit that nerve, he puts up the wall. So you will need to figure out where the nerve is, and what exactly the sore spot is, so he can finally get on board with you and what needs to be done. I know that you already have a child to take care of and maybe this doesn’t sound particularly fun for you. Don’t be afraid to refer him to a therapist if he needs to figure it out.

   One of my good friends had deafness as a child that was not discovered until age 4 and it had stunted his development. They did something and fixed his ear drums and now he is fine.

   It may be as simple as going through a procedure to fix the issue, no one is saying right now that your child has something that is absolutely horrible and now you are stuck with a special needs child for the rest of your life. No human being is perfect and everyone has health issues. Sometimes you can fix them relatively easy.

   But I am really concerned for you and your spouse’s relationship, he is just not showing the amount of emotional support and care that he needs to be showing right now. Please talk about it and get him back on board as your partner, for when your child as well as well as when your child is sick. All children get sick. Heck, all humans get sick.

6. I can understand the initial denial, some people don’t want to think something could be wrong and their go to is pretending nothing is wrong, where yours is to be proactive.

   His going silent in the face of irrefutable evidence suggests either deeper into denial or he is taking some space to wrap his head around the reality. I’m hoping for the latter though it may take longer than a day.

   Either way the conversation needs to be had about the issue at hand. Tell him you want to sit down and talk about it, but give him a few hours notice on it.

   If he refuses to engage in that then you’re going to have to let hm know the enormity of the problem his refusal to face the issue is. Calmly. It has to be calmly.

   Don’t blame just express examples of how his refusal could impact your daughter, while acknowledging you knowing he won’t want to cause her harm or hurt.

7. Give him some time to process this. He will come around. People process things differently. When my son got sick last year I was in denial at first. Then came the overwhelming grief and fear about having to provide for my child for the rest of his life. Be patient. Hope everything works out for your daughter.

8. I think you need to wait until he comes home. Maybe he just needed time to process it? Since he can no longer just tell himself “she’s a baby, nothings wrong”.

   You have two conversations, assuming he ignored texts from you. The first is saying ignoring texts is not ok. If he needs some time by himself even via phone he needs to tell you that. The second will be ongoing as you get more info. Not just a lecture to tell him to be supportive, but to talk about what’s happening with your daughter and to support each other. Vent, express fears, make sure you’re on the same page, share any research you’ve find, etc. Also I would at least research some therapists so you at least have some on call if either or both of you need some help so you can make sure you’re at your best to help your daughter.

   Oh! And if you have some spare time maybe grab the baby sign language book. It might be helpful regardless what you find out.

9. I spent the better part of a year and a half denying my daughter couldn’t walk. Guess what? She couldn’t walk. She can walk now after years of doctors and therapists and walking frames, she wears braces to this day so she can walk.

   Take your kid to the doctor. He’ll come around.

10. People process things like this differently. Some people want to take action, get fully informed and throw themselves into it at full speed. Other people can’t process that the ‘perfect’ child they imagined has a disability and need time to grieve the loss and get their head round it.

    Try not to catastrophise and thinking that he’s not going to be able to deal with it just because he needs more time than you to process it. You’ve been aware there was a problem and mentally had know it was a possibility for much longer. He’d obviously convinced himself she was going to be ok so this must be a massive shock.

    I’m sure that with time and education about deafness, and finding out what exactly you’re dealing with you’ll both realise she’s still a perfect little girl and be great parents for her

11. Hard of hearing youngish adult here with multiple physical disabilities.

    Thanks for not treating your daughter like your husband is. She’s going to need you in her corner, because the world sets up barriers like you wouldn’t believe. Simple things like assuming speech as default input. As for him: he gets with the program, or he gets gone. Sounds harsh? Maybe, but you cannot imagine the impact it will have on her self esteem when Daddy treats her as lesser for needing to use hearing aids, having speech delays, or, heaven forfend, needing to learn sign language. What happens when he starts shouting at her?

    Your husband is displaying classic ableist attitudes. Next it’s going to be about *your* genes, because it couldn’t be his. Shut that shit down quick.

12. It can take new parents some time for the realization of having a kid with disabilities to sink in. You are able to process facts and data quickly. I had friends who were in denial that their 6 month old exhibited early signs of autism, but by the age of two they finally accepted it. My daughter is a speech language pathologist who only works with disabled babies, toddlers, and young kids, including those who have hearing loss. It’s amazing how well and how quickly they respond to therapy and love. The young brain can re-wire itself to an impressive extent.

    I’m sure your daughter will have a wonderful life.

13. >I’m a little stumped here. I understand it can maybe be a little shocking to discover your child is hard of hearing. In fact, I do get it. As I am the other parent in the equation. However, it’s my perspective that we must take action. Also, and this is just as important in my opinion, we must be mindful for how our response to this could affect her emotional development. If her father walks around acting like there is something “wrong with her“ for being “imperfect”…. Well. That’s heartbreaking.

    >I can’t understand why it’s a big deal if she does need hearing aids. From my perspective, it’s really not the end of the world. I equate it to wearing glasses. From his perspective, it seems to be incomprehensible. I feel like I don’t really have any support in the situation as he is presently unwilling to entertain the conversations that need to be taking place.

    >I want for our household to be one of nurturing acceptance. I want our daughter to understand that it’s OK to have different needs from others, the only thing she needs to worry about is ensuring that her unique needs are being met. However, if one of her very own parents cannot accept the fact that she’s hard of hearing, how is she going to navigate the struggles that are inevitably going to arise?

    These are the words you need to say to your husband

    He needs to get over the fact that his child might not be perfect and do the absolute utmost to get her the help she needs so that her life is impacted in the most marginal way because of this. Ignoring it will not make it go away. She will not miraculously wake up ‘better’ one day. He needs to get his shit together and support both of you.

14. Early intervention is key. Most deaf children have hearing parents. Rarely is it a true genetic thing. My son had to have hearing aids for a short period. (Pro tip I was given for aids on toddlers- cut toupee tape into strips to fit onto the back- it won’t irritate their skin and will hold better so you have less chance of losing those things when they do all the toddler things) Most parents of deaf/hard of hearing children refuse to learn to sign. It’s terrible and awful and disgusting but a fact. I think Denmark may be one of the only countries where it’s illegal to not learn to communicate with your child and considered abuse. We do sign with my son to give him more ways to communicate even though he can hear, he’s still nonverbal and on the profoundly disabled/global delays end of the disability spectrum. It’s a process of deciding what’s best for her. Early intervention and early learning for you guys saves a TON of frustration down the line.

15. Its normal to go through a mourning period after finding out your child has special needs. Thats ok. Whats not ok is pretending like its not happening. So even if your spouse is in denial you must do what’s best for your kid. Even if he objects. Dont let him tell you otherwise. He’ll most likely come around eventually. He just might need space right now. No its not fair, you can use support too. You got this!

16. Hey there,

    You’re outlook, positivity and acceptance are so awesome. I’m an adult that was born with significant deafness in my left ear. It has really affected my life. The ear itself is “healthy” but the canal is so small the sound doesn’t vibrate. This is something that potentially could have been solved with simple gromets as a baby.

    You’re husband may be fearful of illness and health deterioration due to his mother’s ailments for so long. This would be hard thing for anyone and while you’re able to take this somewhat gracefully (undoubtedly though this is hard for you too) he may be struggling with his own fears and triggered emotions surrounding his baby girls’ hearing being impaired. This may mean he (ironically) can’t hear further than there could be interventions that could improve your daughter’s hearing whether draining fluid or hearing aids etc.

    As a baby I didn’t speak properly til I was 4 years plus and though my hearing difficulties made communication and hearing at school somewhat hard I wouldn’t say it hampered me hugely.

    Big hugs to you, and your gorgeous baby girl!

17. It’s been less than a day. To face the possibility that your child is going to have a potentially significant struggle in life starting at such a young age is huge. Different people react to stress differently. It sounds like you’re a planner – you deal with unknowns by making a plan, having a list, thinking through everything you can imagine and researching even before you know all the information. It sounds like maybe he’s not like this? Maybe it takes him longer for stuff to sink in, and he wants to think about things along first? People can take one day (or even a few) before jumping in to the plan. It’s not an emergency situation.

18. It can be emotionally devastating to think that your little angle has a problem. Denial, defensiveness, rug sweeping, anger, sadness, depression are all possible responses. Give your husband some time to come to terms with it.

    Keep investigating. And maybe suggest therapy to your husband as having an unbiased third party to talk to kay be helpful for him.

19. Hello HOH person here hello. I have major hearing issues in my left ear and some loss in my right ear. I am also a nurse. Fluid build up behind the ear drum is more common than you think. A good amount of children get tubes places in the ear drum and the whole problem is solved. There is nothing wrong with your child. She will develop skills you don’t if there is something major going on that’s not a quick fix. Lip reading is an amazing tool. Most deaf children are avid readers and a lot of the time read grades above their level because it’s a world they understand. And for the love of everything you don’t have to listen to people constantly. The best thing about hearing aid is I get to shut off the noise around me litterally. Sometimes I’ll just watch shows on mute and read subtitles because it’s just nice to do so. And the hearing aids now a days are very extensive and very cool. I can take phone calls listen to music with mine. Some of them come with mic attachments that you can give to the teachers and hear the whole lecture even if you go to the bathroom. There is nothing wrong with you child. Your child isn’t dying and they aren’t sick thus for nothing wrong only different. Do not let your husband think that your child is broken or defective because they are not they are just different. They will open you to a new world if you let them.

20. I’m hard of hearing. It was discovered at my kindergarten screening. But, my language acquisition was fine, so it happened some time in my preschool years. To this day, no one knows what caused it. And, that doesn’t really matter.

    Here’s the deal. If your daughter is deaf, you will have a lot of decisions to make as a family that go well beyond just hearing aids. Hopefully, her hearing loss is mild enough that she doesn’t need any accommodations beyond hearing aids. But, if she does, your husband will have to get with the program. I’ve seen way too many hearing parents of deaf children who refuse to do things like learn sign language or get involved with the Deaf community. Hopefully, he will just need time to adjust to this new world. But, if he doesn’t, you need to make sure his attitude doesn’t isolate your daughter both from your family, and from the Deaf community.

21. hey OP! this is what happened to my parents, but reverse. my mother did NOT want to accept that I had a hearing loss, and didn’t until I was around 4.

    in my mother’s case, she was apparently very worried that I had inherited it from her, and felt guilty for dooming me to a life of hearing aids and “can you repeat that?” however, rest assured: i turned out totally fine. Once my pediatrician had a serious talk with her, she understood the problem wasn’t her genetics vs me, but us vs the hearing loss. maybe have a frank discussion with your spouse about this, and then another with your child’s audiologist/pediatrician/both? you will need the support network.

    also, if he doesn’t get on board, he gets off. there is no in between with this. if he isn’t willing to recognize her disability, which is a part of her, he isn’t willing to parent her.

    hearing loss/deafness isn’t the end of the world, and many people (including me!) live almost completely “normal” lives with it, but this is impossible without receiving the resources and support needed to achieve such a state of existence. be there for your daughter !! you’re a great mom.

22. You are your child’s best advocate. If you feel that something isn’t normal, then find answers.
    If you cave to your spouse’s fears, it may lead to your child having health complications down the road. At least you’ll have answers and can be prepared for whatever your options are.
    Your spouse will come around. I think every parent has a tendency to go in denial mode when it comes to complexities or differences with their child. That’s when you need to put yourself aside and advocate the best for your child.

23. He may be having a hard time coming to grips but that’s no excuse to dismiss the evidence. Keep advocating for your child and do what’s needed you got this

24. Have you ever witnessed how he deals with serious upset or tragedy before? Because the denial and withdrawal he is doing is fairly typical for some folks. It’s likely he will come out of it with a little time. Try to hold back judgment for a minute. It’s likely that having him come in to speak to one of the medical professionals himself will help him come back in touch with reality. But some people really do just shut down in the face of news they feel they aren’t able to handle. And it’s more common for men, who don’t have as many socially acceptable outlets for being openly sad.

25. My daughter was diagnosed with GDD due to her dyslexia when she was around 5.5yo. We do not live in a country with great facilities for people with any disability so it’s been an uphill battle to get her the help and assistance she needs.

    When I first found out she was behind her peers in terms of development (her daycare alerted me that she was behind her peers when it came to speech and motor skills when she was 3.5yo) I was ok, get her into speech therapy, that’s her only problem and she’ll be OK after that. When we got the GDD diagnosis I was like OK, I will do this to resolve this but I didn’t know how much effort and time I’d have to sacrifice. I know a part of me feels guilt that my daughter’s disability is my fault because she came from me (my family has a history of autism, ADHD etc) but I can make it better. I tried to supress that feeling and work hard to ‘make things better’ until I couldn’t anymore. The toll supressing my feelings is really high.

    Don’t be too harsh on your husband. It was easier when I didn’t know because I was optimistic there was an easy and quick fix and I didn’t feel the guilt. He doesn’t have that luxury now so he needs to process his feelings. My husband seems to accept my daughter’s condition but he’s busy working and only sees the duck floating on top of the surface and not the furiously kicking feet underwater. His family still has expectations that she’ll be the number 1 student in her class (she still has problems writing because she can’t put her thoughts on paper in manner that makes sense to the reader) and she feels the pressure of their expectations even though I’ve reminded them so many time she cannot achieve that.

26. I think the thing to bear in mind is that it’s literally the immediacy after being told there might be a problem, like the first 24 hours – the first 6 hours by the sounds of it! He might just be processing it very differently to you but, once he’s let his brain do some thinking, he might get to the same place as you. If not, I wonder whether the better approach may be to just continue with the appointments and assessments until it basically can’t be denied? So, instead of actively trying to convince him and fuelling friction between yourselves and potentially him and your daughter, let the experts do their thing.

    Another weird suggestion I have is to try to find adult ‘role models’ who have partial hearing loss – my first thought went to the most recent series of Love Island (UK) – Tasha wears a cochlear implant and calls it her ‘superpower’ and her hearing loss was either ignored (as in ‘nothing to see here’ ignored, not excluding her ignored) or shown very positively.

27. Are you Asians by any chance? He seems like a guy who just looks at stuff in a black-white way. So either his kid is perfect and it’s great or its flawed and he doesn’t want it because in his eyes it’s a useless child. Try to help the kid as much as you can, maybe he will change.

28. There’s nothing wrong with radio silence for the day while he processes stuff. May even take him a few days. Hopefully he’s looking stuff up, and getting some understanding of different scenarios (that’s what I do when I’m surprised by something) or he’s just muddling it over in his head. Give him a little time before you decide he’s being closed off and less than helpful.

29. My son had fluid in his ears as a 1YO. He didn’t need hearing aids just grommets for 18 months. His ears are great now and hearing is good 🙂
    Hopefully this is the route you guys and take and it works. As for hubby he does need abit more education on the point and maybe he can go to the ENT with you when she has her appointment:)

30. The little darling. I can’t imagine it would be easy to hear your LO is deaf.
    I have a friend who’s little niece just got cochlear implants at age 2.
    She passed her newborn test but like you, suspected something was wrong around 15 months.
    Long story short mum contracted or had a flare up of CMV when pregnant which resulted in bubs gradual hearing loss.
    Maybe get tested for it just incase at some point, though common it can have affects when it flares up or contracted during pregnancy. Hearing loss is the better of the symptoms.

    As for your husband being in denial would just be a stage of grief. You may get so many different emotions from him, denial, grief, anger, acceptance.
    Work through it together.

31. Hi, I understand both your point and how your husband is feeling. In time hopefully he will come round and get on board with helping set your daughter up for an amazing life.

    With news like this there is a denial phase. It helps if you already suspect something may not be right.

    For example: I had a feeling something wasn’t right with my daughters eye. My partner raised it with our paediatrician, who said it’s most likely just a bit of paulsy relating to the c section. At her next appointment she decided to refer her to an ophthalmologist. She was diagnosed with glaucoma (no history as well), when my partner told me over the phone, after I pressed I didn’t want to believe it either and also blamed myself for her having it.

    So your partner maybe now blaming himself and having a hard time reconciling it within himself. I hope that he comes around soon and you both work together to help your daughter

32. My own father denied that I have autism and still does to this day. I have been tested multiple times and each time they have diagnosed me with ”high-functioning” autism. He still doesn’t believe and just thinks I’m making it up or pretending. This has caused a huge rift between me and him and I have not talked to him for coming up on four years and before that I was actually sort of happy to hear my parents where getting divorced, because it meant I could get away from my dad and not have to speak to him at all.

    Don’t let her father become like mine. Talk to him and explain that yes, it’s a big blow to hear she has hearing issues, but that doesn’t mean she can’t live a happy and fulfilling life with the necessary help. He needs to accept that sometimes these things happen, it’s not his or anyone’s fault and with some help she can live her life just the same way as millions of others do all over the world. Pretending nothing is wrong or it will fix itself isn’t helping anyone, least of all her. Talk to this man, don’t let him become distant of allow him to neglect her by ignoring her needs

33. Hello I am an audiologist and 15 months is absolutely old enough to establish what type of hearing loss it is and whether it is permanent and needing hearing aids or cochlear implant or if it is treatable with medical intervention such as tubes/grommets or some other type of middle ear issue. Usually we can get reliable results from 9 months old. Before that we measure brain activity in response to sound and are still able to get fairly reliable results. I have seen fluid create large temporary hearing losses. If your child passed their newborn hearing screening it is most likely just fluid. However degenerative hearing disorders do exist and can be linked with other diseases so further testing is absolutely needed because some of those diseases can be life threatening. Your husband needs to snap out of it because your daughter needs medical attention. You are her parents. Do your job.

34. I just wanted to chime in that my mom had to handle this with my in laws recently. She has a doctorate in childhood development and noticed that a younger member of my BILs family wasn’t talking at all at 3 years. It wasn’t like “oh he’s shy” either it was very obvious to her. The family made a lot of excuses and were upset when she took them aside and suggested talking to his doctor about it (she personally knew a specialist in the area that could help them).

    They eventually did take her advice and get the help they needed. However, in the moment, when my mom was being as gentle as possible (pulled them aside privately, present it as a common issue, asked a lot of questions, gave them the numbers of the specialists) they were pissed that someone said their baby was less than perfect. My BiL even lied saying that the kid talked full sentences all the time when he wasn’t even forming sounds or words.

    I feel like I saw a bit of that denial behavior in your post when a 1 year old isn’t interested in “what other people to say”. The crazy part is that early intervention is so important and you need to be on board with it. I live in an area with a ton of support and every milestone visit has at least 4 pages of questions just related to development but they rely heavily on truthful self reporting. He’s allowed to have feelings about a possible issue but he’s not allowed to inhibit what is best for your kid. He might need a come to Jesus moment.

35. This would be a good time to mention learning sign language. Even hearing children benefit from early communication and It aids in their ability to communicate once they can speak. Find yourself a baby sign language book. Even simple signs are better than nothing.

36. Have a family member with hearing loss since birth. His parents refused to acknowledge it (“how could anything be wrong with MY child???”). Ended up getting hearing aids in his 30s.

    Your husband’s attitude is terrible, hopefully it changes soon because that attitude will damage your kid in many many ways.

37. I applaud you for following up on your intuition as early intervention can be important.

    However, it’s a little soon to take such a negative approach towards him.. you’ve accuse him of being in denial, rug sweeping, ignoring you, and even not being focused on ensuring her success… just because he said “we’ll figure it out” then didn’t respond further that same day. If he’s just processing the information his own way and on his own time frame, then getting accusatory is not going to benefit the situation.