I have questions for the men out there who have lower sex drives, how would you want your partner to bring up the issue?
I (23F) have been with my boyfriends (25M) for a while now, we have a kid together, we live together, we split bills straight down the middle even though he gets paid more than me.
I take initiative all the time, and flirt, and try to take some charge, but it’s really emotionally exhausting for me, due to the following:
1) I’m not the dominating type, I’m a Sub, a brat mostly, but I don’t get that dynamic in the bedroom. The last couple months ive always been on top, and its… hard for me, mentally, i cant look down at myself or ill start crying and i close my eyes and then i cant stop thinking about how i must look right now… i feel like maybe he should be more involved in the sex, I don’t even get flirted with, and it really crushes me. Practically all of my advances get shut down or rejected anyway.
2)I’m a bit insecure about my body, I tried forever to lose weight, but I recently spoke with a doctor who has placed me on medication for PCOS which was what has been causing issues for me to lose weight, which has also been taking its own mental toll on me.
3) He reassures me that I’m attractive, but I don’t feel attractive, he doesn’t make me feel attractive, I can hear it but I don’t see it. I hear him telling me I’m beautiful, but I don’t feel like it, I don’t get flirted with, or dominated, I don’t feel… liked I guess? I know I’m loved, but I don’t feel liked
4) We’ve talked about it before, possibly a million different ways, backwards and forwards, and I’m sure he is tired hearing me ask if there’s anything I can do to make things easier. I don’t know how to make it better when he won’t tell me, he gets upset when I don’t just automatically know that he wants to be alone.
To sum it up, I’m pretty insecure, but I never thought I was that insecure until recently when I have felt like I can’t get it right. He says finances stress him, which makes him not in the right head space for sex, but all our bills are paid, I keep track of everything in the budget to make his life easier, I know we aren’t rich and right now due to unplanned expenses it has been hard, but everything is still paid, and that’s all I could ask for really when it comes to finances.
I feel like I’m rambling at this point, basically, I’m struggling, and I don’t know what else to do, do I just need to wait it out… I’ve gotten to a point where I don’t even want to try to make advances, because I don’t known if I can handle how hollow I feel when my needs are dismissed. I feel selfish for wanting more, having sex maybe once every other month, and it feeling more like a task than him actually wanting me is just… it’s not enough.
Any advice would be great, thank you!
3 comments
Has he ever been tested for low testosterone? Does he take antidepressants?
Yeah, I don’t enjoy what I’m about to tell you but this is the beginning of the end of your relationship.
Also, you need to be OK with YOU. Even if he gushed over you, you probably wouldn’t feel good.
You may want to look into some therapy. But if he’s not on an SSRI and his testosterone is where it should be, he’s going through the motions.
IF he wants to get better, there’s a few things he can do to *maybe* move “the needle” enough.
Testosterone levels are, by most doctors, measured against other men. Aka “normal”, not “optimal”. There is strong evidence that testosterone levels have been dropping since at least the 1940s. Normal today is probably low for most men.
Testosterone isn’t the only hormone involved in male libido, there’s also prolactin. Prolactin is produced during orgasm–and is (part of) what times the male refractory period.
It’s also produced in higher amounts in a ‘new’ father. [https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4970346/](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4970346/)
So:
1. Figure out a way for *BOTH OF YOU* to get more sleep. Different people need different amounts but something like 80% of Americans don’t get enough, and don’t get enough by a significant margin. This is tougher with a baby in the house, but depending on work schedules, you can try offset sleeping (switch off nights going to bed early, early person goes to bed 8.5 hours before the child normally wakes up. Late parent sleeps until later. Then switch on some schedule.
2. Make sure you’re both getting enough exercise. Get a jogging stroller, and take the kid for a walk together. Walk fast, don’t dawdle, and walk for at least 45 minute *EVERY DAY*. Preferably first thing in the morning without sunglasses (This will make it easier to get to sleep at night). Weight lifting and balance/movement training would also be helpful.
3. Supplement vitamin D, Zinc, Selenium and Vitamin B6. The first three are implicated in production of Testosterone and some immune functions. B6 allegedly suppresses prolactin production. It also turns your urine fluorescent yellow.
4. Consider talking Diindolylmethane (DIM) (this might or might not help with the PCOS, see https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7219449/) [https://supplementsinreview.com/testosterone/diindolylmethane-dim-testosterone/](https://supplementsinreview.com/testosterone/diindolylmethane-dim-testosterone/)
5. If you’re new parents, then often “time” will help a lot of these things.
As a side note, have a serious heart to heart with your doctor about your PCOS medication and your desire to lose weight.