So I’m amab nonbinary, and I don’t exactly have bottom dysphoria, but I do feel uncomfortable about expectations that have been placed on me about my equipment and how I ought to use it.
In my last long-term relationship with a woman, we were sexually incompatible. Much of the time, the expectation was that we’d do PIV with me as the top just about every time. Sometimes I’d get to finger or give her oral, which I vastly preferred, but she didn’t reciprocate.
I know most people like PIV, but to me, it’s a completely traumatic process where I’d constantly stress out about my time bomb anatomy finishing early and contributing to the orgasm gap, to the point where I couldn’t top without dissociating from my body. I don’t think it’s as simple as it being a “skill issue” where I’d suddenly enjoy myself with enough practice, because my partner was upfront about when she did and didn’t have orgasms — rather, PIV is just something I personally really dislike whereas it seems to be at the top of the list for many straight women. The relationship was abusive and parts of that trickled into our sex life, and I didn’t feel like I could say no out of concern that I was being selfish. She would also get upset and ridicule me if I lost my erection at any point, which didn’t help either.
That relationship ended, but it’s had lasting impacts. I haven’t really tried to get back out there out of fear that the next relationship will be more of the same. I know it all starts with healthy communication, but I’m not sure how to broach the topic of decentering the penis, asking if hypothetical partner would be okay with fingering/pegging me, or recriprocating oral, or be okay with me using a strap-on during PIV instead of my timebomb, but that seems like the type of thing that makes perfect sense to me, but most people would find weird? I’m even more nervous that we’d have the conversation and she’d not want to do those things and just prefer PIV 100% of the time. Because it seems like sexual incompatibility/dead bedrooms can cause conflict in relationships that are otherwise super compatible in every other way, and I’m afraid of that. Part of me hopes I end up with an ace person so I never have to worry about this lol.
I’m bi, so the other option is just to date men and bottom, but I also think women are amazing, so how can I develop healthy mindsets about this so I don’t dread the future and put off dating out of trauma? I kind of just feel broken, because I don’t have sex the way I’m supposed to.
1 comment
1st: I get ur fear of finishing early, and leaving ur partner dissatisfied. It’s really common, but only terrible partners would actually fault u for it.*(edit to add: think of it like if u made a woman cum uncontrollably, most will think “dam, I got that bomb pussy” or the like. Its more compliment than anything else)* The fact that ur willing to explore them in other ways(ur mouth, hands, and the fact that ur not insecure about using toys) actually gives u a huge leg up on the average guy.
2nd: most partners want to see u finish too. It took a while for me to selfactuallize this, but my partners would get insecure if they struggled to finish me (I can take a while) but would get really excited if I finished early. The truth is, sex has a lot to do with ego. Most (good) partners want to help u finish with as much enthusiasm as u seeing them finish. Resisting/ denying-them ur orgasm means u both lose. Don’t rob urself from ur own pleasure, ur partner *should* want u to have a good time, anyone who doesn’t isn’t worth keeping.
I think if ur open about this, u won’t struggle to find ppl. No one will know what triggers or concerns u unless u vocalize it. And u might find that after more sexual encounters (or relationships) that ur traumas become less severe.
Know that u arent alone. And know that ur probably being too harsh on urself. I wish u luck on ur journey of self discovery