Sorry this is long! It’s a complicated situation. Scroll down for TLDR.
To preface: This is my first relationship, we have been together for almost 2 years, we are long distance but we visit each other regularly. We have met each other’s parents and extended family and stayed overnight at each other’s homes. We have a lot of mutual friends.
My boyfriend is an amazing person. He is a great guy who deserves someone so much better than me. He loves me with his whole heart- he remembers every little thing about me, my habits, what i do and don’t like, and he showers me with love, attention, and gifts too. He is super loyal, would never ever even consider cheating on me or finding another girl attractive, and he would skip out on anything to be with me.
Here’s the issue though. In the past we’ve struggled because of how clingy he would get. He constantly asked me for attention, we would be on call almost 24/7 (even during classes but he would mute and listen to what I was up to, including my conversations with other people), he has my passwords to everything and although he didn’t check super often, he would occasionally read through my dms on social media and he’s questioned me about random guys who like my instagram posts (I’m a public account), and he would occasionally check my location and question where I was.
I have genuinely tried to do everything I can to prove my loyalty- we are on call 24/7 so it’s impossible for me to cheat. Yet he still questioned me and would say “it’s not that i don’t trust you, i just don’t trust them.” Anytime we weren’t on call he was always anxious / worried.
Things got worse leading up to college / when I started college. He would ask for reassurance almost every day, ex “Promise me you will never find a guy better looking than me and leave me.” And when I was in college, he would ask me “did you touch any guys today?” every night.
As for problems unrelated to his trust issues, many times when I try to seek comfort from him about an issue, it would somehow turn around into a conversation about him and our relationship and I wouldn’t feel comfort, instead I would feel worse. Also, since everyone in his family married their first relationship, I’m expected to marry him too and that stress has been a lot for me, especially since my parents are divorced and I have seen marriages fail.
I want to give him credit, though. He is really caring, and after many serious conversations, he has improved some behaviors. However, by improvement I mean bottling it up and not expressing his concerns until he explodes on me later on. I am not the best partner either- I lose my temper sometimes when these situations happen because of how frustrated I am. I have asked him to seek therapy about his anxiety but he hasn’t done it. I have also sought counseling for myself at my college.
Because of the above problems, we have been having a rough relationship. I don’t know if I want to continue to date him, because if I do I feel like I’m going to have to marry him. I have felt trapped in this relationship. I am so close to him I don’t want to lose him as a friend. I’ve told him about how I’m losing attraction in order to work something out with him. He has expressed to me that if he ever saw me with another guy he would hurt himself. I love him as a person and I would never want him to do that. He promised me he would get me to fall in love with him again by changing and I can see him trying. We don’t call 24/7 now and he tries not to question me about my intentions, but I know me telling him that I don’t love him romantically anymore has made his anxiety about our relationship worse.
I don’t want his efforts to change to go to waste but I really don’t think I feel attraction to him. He would give me the world but I don’t think I can give it back. But I guess you can also say he has a promising future and our future plans align (similar major, want to travel, etc). I don’t know if I could find a better match for me than him. Also we have a lot of the same friends, and I don’t want to lose them. So now I don’t know what to do- should I stay in this relationship and try to fall back in love with him? Or should we end things?
**TLDR:** My boyfriend is obsessively in love with me, but his behavior and lack of trust has caused me to fall out of love. This relationship is taking a heavy toll on my mental health. He promised he would help me fall in love with him again but I don’t know if that’s possible. I feel trapped in this relationship, but I don’t think he would be able to mentally handle us breaking up. He wants to marry me and it’s true we are a good match. What should I do now?
3 comments
Get out now. It’s never going to get better. Why would you even consider marrying him? Run away and ask for help if you don’t feel safe.
“I feel trapped” and “We are a good match” should not exist in the same thought. I would break it off immediately. He doesn’t trust you and he’s only going to become more controlling over time. You asked him to go to therapy and he refused. He’s shown you exactly how seriously he takes your concerns. Believe him. Save yourself.
I think you should break up. He needs to go to therapy and work out his insecurities, nothing you do will change how he feels until he gets help himself. Doesn’t make either of you bad people but your relationship is not healthy and it won’t get better without him doing that on his own.