NOTE- I can’t post this on r/infertility because it’s pretty strict there and there’s not really a spot to post something this long…
Let me start this off by saying I know we need a couples counseling session but I really want some opinions today on my situation as I’m having a bit of a hard time today. I love my husband dearly and we are in this together but that doesn’t mean this is easy by any means.
I’m going to give you the backstory of our journey. My husband and I always liked the idea of being young parents, even though we realized that financially it would have been difficult for us. So for the first two years of our marriage we did what the baby making community would call NTNP (not trying not preventing). After we had no luck, we started to think we may have fertility struggles up ahead. I went to the doctor and she told me to “try harder” and “keep trying” so for these next two years I tried increasingly desperate ways of trying to get pregnant. Especially since our financial situation has changed drastically and I’m fully confident we could have several kids now, at this point.
* Side note * To explain my desperation, in my head, it’s most likely I’m the problem because I have a very small family with known fertility issues while my husband has a HUGE family and is one of five kids. His mom had major health concerns and was never supposed to have kids and now here they are.
I’ve tried many things. I’ve gained 20 pounds because I used to be almost underweight and I’ve increased my diet of eating once per day to three healthy meals with greens protein and whole grains. I’ve started living a more fit lifestyle. I’ve even gone through a phase where I ate a shit ton of grapefruit because that was supposed to help. I’ve even tried manifesting which only resulted in a few late periods and a huge let down. I’ve tracked every period and every ovulation and I’ve even had different blood work done to make sure I don’t have any medical issues I’m not aware of. Because I’m still on the younger side, all I ever hear all the time is, “you’re so young just be patient.” And I’ve tried. Lord knows I’ve tried. But to have this never ending roller coaster of false hope and a crash of disappointment every month was putting me into a dark depression.
I finally decided that enough was enough. I’m done trying. I’ve just recently (like this past six weeks) began starting to accept the fact that we may be child free. I’ve finally started living my life for me and not planning for this future kid we’ll never have. I used to be into running but never signed up for any races because I didn’t want to have to cancel and loose money because I was probably finally going to be pregnant! And other things like that I would do that I’m not going to do anymore. I’ve also stopped commenting “one day when we have a kid” and things like that too. And for the first time in four years I feel a sense of peace. At least for the most part. It’s still pretty easy to go back to being sad.
Now onto my husbands side of things. Most people in the infertility community seem to have gone to the ends of the earth to start their family. I recently joined r/infertility and see all the acronyms and medical procedures and all the things couples try to get pregnant. Well in order to get farther in one of these processes, sperm count is one of the first things a doctor checks. In these past four years my husband hasn’t been willing to give a sample. I understand his hesitation, his work schedule makes it hard to plan anything, and for personal reasons he isn’t sure he even can provide a sample in a medical environment. I respect his decision and will never nag him to do this. This is why I tried so hard on my behalf. Controlling the things you can control and letting the things you can’t just be? Or whatever the saying is?
The problem I have is the fact that he makes comments frequently like how he wants to be just like the family in the old sitcom Home Improvement and other comments saying how excited he is for his future kids and makes plans. It’s really sweet but in the same breath sometimes he gets really bummed and says “my dick is probably broken”. But then he never does anything about it. I guess I wish he would either commit with me to getting help from doctors and seeing what our options are. -OR- just let this whole thing go like I did. Let’s just be child free. I’m so tired of all these ups and downs. Enough is enough.
How do I tell him this? Or is there a better way to cope? Or am I looking at this whole situation wrong?
3 comments
Tell him if he wants that then he should get checked. My wife and I struggled. She got check and all systems were a go. That left me. I got checked and we realized I am the issue. Not all is lost though. I have under gone a micro TESE and we got two rounds of IVF out of it. As these things go, neither were successful so I am going in for another procedure in December. Our specialists have told us natural pregnancy was just not a reality for us. It can’t hurt to provide a sample just to be sure.
I feel like you worded that last part of the post pretty well.
“Commit to seeking answers with me OR let’s let this whole thing go. The back and forth isn’t benefiting anyone. I’m supportive of whatever route you’d prefer to go”
The hell? You’ve been trying to conceive for FOUR YEARS and he’s never been tested? My husband was busy too when we were trying to conceive. He found time to get tested twice (long story). You are MORE than justified in telling your husband that if he wants kids, he will book a sperm test ASAP; if not, you’re *done*.
NOTE: IF he agrees to a test, have it conducted by a fertility specialist, not a bog-standard urologist. Sperm tests are one of the few remaining that have to be done manually; because this is a pain, regular labs will often procrastinate in handling them, and the sperm will appear less motile as a result. I’ll also add that sometimes male fertility issues can be an early warning sign of bigger health problems — there’s some benefit to him in being tested even if you decide kids are probably not for you.
I wish you luck with whatever path you go down.
FOUR YEARS. Ugh. I’m sorry.