So I (27F) essentially all but got ghosted by the latest guy I’ve talking to. We had 4 great dates, he was super intimate/sweet in person but then the energy in text just stayed polite/dry afterwards. I asked him hang out next week and he replied to my other question but avoided answering to schedule something. What’s even the point of replying? Just ghost or be an adult and say you’re not interested. But this is the 4th guy I’ve had a few dates with that they end up just fading/fizzling out/ghosting this year. And it’s become so frustrating that I can’t ever make it to a relationship stage.
I’ve never been in a relationship before and I do crave the companionship. But I stay in this constant cycle of men just never wanting to commit (I live in nyc) but I always get invested, and they always do it on their terms so I never get closure. It’s been taking a toll on my mental health and self esteem. I’ve cried so many times over these guys who don’t give a fuck about me. I just don’t know how to move forward anymore. I’m relatively attractive, have a great job and have social personality and yet cannot seem to find anyone. All these men I’ve met through Hinge, so they are strangers who think it’s ok not to owe basic human decency to another person. How do I pick myself up and actually find someone who does want me?
4 comments
He probably didn’t ghost because he’s intimately familiar with ghosting himself and doesn’t want to do it to you. There’s also the “women are wonderful effect” (an actual term – search it on Wikipedia) at play here where a lot of guys can’t bring themselves to do something mean to women like just flat out ignoring your message.
Also I really hate to say it, but there is an attractiveness scale you need to be intimately familiar with and have some self awareness about… if the guys you are choosing are markedly or even slightly more attractive than you, it’s very unlikely they will give you the honour of a relationship especially if they can find many more girls just like you and get sex from them with minimal investment/no commitment. Guys who can get 50-100 women who are on a similar attractiveness on the scale and similarly agreeable will need to see something VERY special to grant one of them a relationship… Otherwise they’ll just keep shooting higher up the attractiveness ladder and playing the odds with their current level of success with women till they get to their ideal woman. For a man who knows the “formula” to getting laid consistently – he is highly unlikely to grant a relationship easily.
This is the sort of assessment your girlfriends and friends, safe space reddit subs etc will never want to give you btw….
First, I’m sorry that this has happened to you. It sounds painful and discouraging. It sounds like you are making an assumption that these men don’t care about YOU. I don’t think that this is about you. It’s about them.
We can’t be sure why they do what they do, but often it is because they aren’t looking for a relationship. They are enjoying casual dating and when the next new shiny object arrives on the scene, it’s easier to ghost you than to have a difficult conversation and tell you the truth.
That doesn’t make it right. It’s unkind and it’s thoughtless AND you deserve better than that. Behavior like this usually shows up in other areas of his life. Do you want to be with someone who is unable to treat other people with common decency? If not, be grateful that he has moved on before causing you more heartache.
If, however, you think that this is a pattern in your relationships, you may want to consider what is causing this pattern. One of the main reasons that you attract the same person over and over is because you believe something about yourself and you are subconsciously looking for someone who agrees with you. I wrote a post on [how to stop attracting the same person](https://www.rachelsimeone.com/blog/unpack-your-dating-pattern) over and over which may be helpful. Good luck!
you’re seeking the wrong type of men, likely men way out of your league, even if you are fairly attractive. look for men who share the same interests and have chemistry with you. someone who you can talk to easily on a personal level where you understand and feel each other. don’t just go for a handsome face attached to a body. likely that guy who you were seeing didn’t have too much interest in you or he’s likely talking to someone else who he likes better. that or he may have just wanted to you as a hookup and saw that you weren’t the easy type and he moved on. keep on meeting guys and get to know them on a personal level. you’ll both know if you’re truly feeling each other. it’s called love/lust sick, where you’re both just very attracted to each other and sexually tensed.
I wish I could help more, but there are likely signs and signals of behavior (coming from the men) that can help you see it much sooner and break it off yourself. Once you get that far, you’ll have a period where you’ll still be seeing guys like this but you end up dumping them much sooner. And then all of a sudden, you’ll find that better quality men will begin to trickle in the mix. Then, in perhaps a few years, this chapter will be behind you and you’ll have a good head on your shoulders for selecting worthy candidates.