The other night, my (21F) boyfriend (25M) brought up the idea of moving in together. He began with “I know this is really early on in our relationship to ask this but…. would you move in with me?” My boyfriend and I have been going out for about 7 months now, and we’ve spent almost every single night together since January, so we have pretty good ideas of what living with each other is like.
Our respective leases only end in September so he suggested we start looking in October, and when we find a place we like, we’d put in our two months notice and move in together after. Come October, we’d have been together for over a year. Now I’m not sure whether its the honeymoon phase or if I’m genuinely excited and happy to move in with him; it feels like a natural next step in our relationship. We were even thinking of getting a dog together while living separately (sadly, neighbours aren’t super happy when conversations happen past 11pm, so a puppy is a no-go for now). I have a checklist of things I needed to observe in our relationship before moving in together was even an option and we’ve checked most of those things off the list (the final one is a vacation together as a trial run, which will be happening this summer when we’re both less busy with work and college).
However, when I’ve talked to my friends and family about it, they’ve expressed a lot of issues they foresee and it’s made me start to question whether I should or not. Some of the issues that have come up are not having personal space, it being too early in the relationship, what happens if we break up, etc. I’m feeling very conflicted and though I know my friends and family want what’s best for me, moving in with him is in general way more convenient for me than what my living situation is now. I was super excited and now I’m not sure, not because of the issues my friends brought up but rather that I’m not sure whether I’m being naive or if there’s a “proper” way to do things. Any advice would be super helpful!
TL;DR: Bf (25) and I (21) wanna move in together after only 7 months of dating, friends and family say it’s too soon. Advice?
4 comments
Move in with someone because it’s the natural next step in an increasingly progressing relationship, not because your leases are up or you already spend too much time together or because you want to save money.
Take your time before getting legally connected to this guy. If it’s right, why rush it? And spend some time at your own place alone. Don’t spend every single night together, even when you do live together!
In other words, make sure you still have your own identity, friends, hobbies, etc. Don’t let your relationship swallow you.
There are things to discuss with anyone you are considering living with here are some of them:
how to divide up expenses
how to divide up chores including which chores you each feel need to be done, how often, and what counts as done
guest policy for inviting people over
any issues with pets (you seem to have discussed this)
how much time you each like together versus alone and how to arrange for it
how you generally like to spend your days / time
any personal quirks such as playing music or needing silence or needing a particularly small temperature range. For example, I need to keep sunlight out of my home as much as possible for my health, which is not something everyone would be comfortable living with.
Once you’ve made sure to discuss and agree on these things, then you can consider moving in together. You should discuss what your plan is if either of you is uncomfortable, but that is something that can at least be discussed and considered in advance. I don’t think moving in together is necessarily a bad idea, you just need to be sure you are both in agreement and have some sort of plan for what to do if it doesn’t work out.
Personally, I am more comfortable with the idea of you moving in together than getting a dog together… lol
For moving in together, I think that’s fine. My only advice would be to only have one of you legally sign the lease and to get an apartment cheap enough such that the person signing the lease can carry it on their own should it ever come to that. Hope for the best, plan for the worst – know what I mean? Then go for it.
The dog gives me more pause. A dog is a 15-20 year commitment. You mention yourself that you are both busy (which is not fair to the dog). And you are in college – which means your life is still developing and in flux. You need to be around A LOT to walk the dog, pay attention to the dog, etc. You don’t know what kind of hours your future career will have. Then there are vet bills and food bills. Obedience classes if you have a puppy. Flea, tick and heartworm meds (this vet visit alone just cost me $800). You are also renting and it can be harder to find places that are dog-friendly, etc. In your shoes, I might adopt a senior cat from the shelter if you want a pet. Not a dog. Certainly not a puppy. But that’s JMO.
trust me, having your own place but spending all your time at your SO is not even close to the same as living together