Conversation map?

2 comments

1. I’ve tried to map out conversations in vain. That’s just not how the game works.

   The problem with mapping it out is you don’t know what the other person is going to say. You can try to come up with a bunch of possibilities, but it’s practically guaranteed the conversation will deviate in a direction you’re unprepared for. Moreso if it’s a group setting.

   Best thing to do is listen and be in the moment. Really respond to what’s being said and don’t worry about where the discussion is headed. It’s the best way to appear engaged and authentic.

2. Id say first thing, even if you’re great at it, if the othrr person isnt engaged its hard to get it to go anywhere. Otherwise I think it’s ultimately about being good at lateral/divergent thinking. You want to give people prompts to pivot off of in different directions, some personal and some not. It’s about pivoting around – maybe using any part of the previous info provided as a prompt to either disclose something personal relating to it, maybe expanding on the info with more concrete info (info dumping but reigned in), or simply relate it back to the current moment by noting something in your shared experience/environment.

   I left this as a comment on another thread but the logic is the same regarding the map. This map is about how you go about asking someone questions without wanting seeming rude or intrusive. To make it more a two sided conversation you would also provide your own experiences based on the same prompts.

   “I am a *very* curious cat. I can take an interest in just about anything. I ask people so many questions and I think I’m pretty good at it.

   I think the trick is to always make sure that the direction of your questioning doesn’t imply anything. I just want to understand, I’m not “getting” at anything with my line of questioning. There isn’t an ulterior motive. I always try to base my next question on the most recent info the person told me as opposed to always bringjng it back to a higher level general question. I offer people options to confirm or deny as hypotheticals because I actually hate answering too many open ended questions and I appreciate being prompted. I find it puts me on the spot if people ask me too many general “why” questions.

   For instance if my boss mentions he’s going on a date and I want to know how it went the next day because I’m a curious cat but that’s a personal topic and he’s my male boss. I don’t want to overstep. My questions make it clear I’m not focused on who the person is specifically or what they did romantically so I don’t read as looking for gossip or being inappropriate. It can’t feel intrusive “what did you do on your date? Why didnt you like them? What are you looking for?” or judgemental “your date does sound so boring”. *I understand doesn’t mean I care* is the energy I am going for when it comes to personal topics.

   When I ask for info I pair it with something not personal in nature so that they can choose which direction this exhange goes based on what they are comfortable sharing. I give people an out and I keep it light and don’t put them on the spot. I give little hypothetical jokey answers to my own questions they can play off of and that they can reference later for us to build rapport. Sometimes I ask two questions in a row so they can choose to ignore one if it’s too personal.

   “How was the date? Did you have fun?”

   “It was a disaster, never doing that again”

   “Oh noo. You guys were the disasters or the restaurant wasn’t good?”

   “We waited 30 minutes in line in total silence just to eat cold tapas”

   “I bet that made it feel like an hour. How come you chose that restaurant in the end? Is it the new place that just opened?”

   “Yeah! She suggested it but forgot to make reservations so that was a bad sign already.”

   “Maybe that’s her signature move – the ultimate test is if her date can withstand 30 minutes of silence. Was she just introverted or you guys didn’t connect?”

   “Well I made it all the way to the olives, I wonder if that counted for something. We couldn’t find anything to talk about and I really tried. She was humourless”

   “Haha hey you can always ask her if you decide to see her again. And that’s the worst feeling, I totally depend on my ability to make someone laugh too. So, you’re telling me she didn’t even want to hear your bit coin facts? You guys met online?”

   “Definitely not, no more olives. And can you believe she didn’t want to hear anything about blockchain? We met on Tinder, apps are awful.”

   “Psh their loss. What about those websites where you answer a million questions and they match you based on percentage? Or you could pull an old timey move and drop your handkerchief like a Victorian”

   “I’m not sure I can budget for that many handkerchiefs”

   “Now that should be on your dating profile. “Only here because my handkerchief budget ran out” You’ll attract a whole different demographic. Maybe a little older than youre going for ”

   “Im definitely stealing that. I’m going to have to expand the age range past 33 and let you know”

   *My boss went on a date to that new wine bar which I know now has bad food and isn’t worth the wait with a woman he met on Tinder. He doesn’t enjoy dating apps and is looking for a max 33 year old woman. He is looking for someone with a sense of humour, who takes an interest in him, and enjoys bonding over shared interests. She didn’t offer that and he won’t be seeing her again. He is still looking and will try again on Tinder*

   I *beep boop* slot that information into the info web that is my brain. Now if he feels comfortable sharing things in the future about that subject, he can use anything we mentioned as a prompt to start and I can read that as a cue that he is open to sharing more. Or we have an inside joke we can use to build rapport that is playful, very platonic despite the topic, and can be used as prompts for more info sharing that is personal or just fun facts.”