TL;DR: I’m dating a near 30 year old who has never said I love you despite significant relationship experience. This triggers alarm bells in me.
I am dating someone who has had 3 previous serious boyfriends, 2 of which were over a year and another who was like 3 months or so (ok maybe not so serious but longer than we’ve been dating). She’s also had significant dating experience just in general, far more than me.
We’ve been dating 2 months. We both said I love you the other night. She then tells me she’s never said it, or been told it before.
I feel very strange about this. On the one hand it’s really sort of an honor and flattering to hear that you’re someone’s first.
However something bothers me about previous relationships not having it said. It makes me feel like she wasn’t taking them seriously or something. This plays on a fear I have that she is starting to feel the clock ticking and is just looking for commitment super fast from anyone (i.e. me) who will give it where she didn’t feel the need to ask for that commitment previously.
What do you think? Is this like great news for me? Or is it a red flag? Would it bother you to know this?
6 comments
>This plays on a fear I have that she is starting to feel the clock ticking and is just looking for commitment super fast from anyone (i.e. me) who will give it where she didn’t feel the need to ask for that commitment previously.
This is a fairly unkind interpretation of someone saying “I love you”. Are there other things she has done that have made you feel this way?
My thoughts are that is weird. I’ve always said and received those words within a month or two of dating someone new. So, I’d assume she should have said it in those 1 year relationships.
But, I will also say. For her age, having only 1 year and shorter relationships I find a red flag. It may not be. But, I know by that age, I had a couple relationships in the 3 – 4 year range.
I don’t think it’s weird. My husband and I didn’t say I love yous until 9 mos into our relationship. I was in a few other long term relationships and those ranged from about 6-12mos to say I love yous. Some people just take a bit longer to fall in love, or take relationships more slowly. Honestly, if someone said I love you early in the relationship it would be a red flag for me.
>This plays on a fear I have that she is starting to feel the clock ticking and is just looking for commitment super fast from anyone (i.e. me) who will give it where she didn’t feel the need to ask for that commitment previously.
Interesting theory!
I would look for corroborating evidence as to whether she is looking for rapid commitment.
Try taking your time in establishing the relationship, and see whether she tries to hurry things to the next level. If you haven’t made things “official” yet, delay doing so and see if she tries to nudge/Push/**SHOVE** things along… 😁
You can also ask her what her vision of the future is, in terms of getting married and having kids (TRY to be casual when you ask! 😄). She might just come out and tell you what her timeline is, which would erase all doubt. What’s her purpose in dating: is it specifically to look for husband-candidates? Ask her — she just might tell you.
I dont know if thats weird necessarily. Everyone is different and sometimes when you know, you know.
Maybe she was with someone hesitant to share their feelings and shes the same?
Id get curious with her before thinking this is a flag.
I think she feels your relationship is different from her past. Don’t be afraid of love.