I need help.
I’ve noticed there’s this thing people tend to do in their friend groups – pick on and ostracize one specific member. I’m not talking about ribbing each other, like guys tend to do, but straight up taking shots at and being a dick to one specific friend over and over. I don’t know much about it, but I hear that this can be done between guys to create an “ingroup” and an “outgroup” to feel like they fit in. Recently I’ve been trying to figure out why I feel so different from other people socially, and I’ve come to the realization that me constantly being the target of this in my social groups has gutted my ability to trust other people. It’s legitimately happened my entire life, over and over, regardless of the group or what age I was. People have done things like shove me around in clubs because I didn’t dance like their puppet, tried to cheat me out of rent, and – I’m not joking – criticized my family for the food and beds they provided in a time of need. I’m sick of it, and I want to change it. It’s not friends joking with each other in a group, it’s mean-spirited bullying at it’s best, and people seem to at least act like they have no idea what they’re doing.
To be clear, I know this isn’t a persecution complex because sometimes people will outright note how shitty they’re being to me, usually to play it off as a joke and I guess make sure they’re all on the same page.
It’s gotten to the point that I go out of my way to make sure that most of my friends aren’t in contact with each other. I’m scared to build another relationship just because I’d be embarrassed to show an s/o how I’m treated. In an emergency, I don’t really have anyone I feel I could turn to, even the friends I’ve known for over a decade.
I need help. I’m not greedy enough to ask *why* this happens to me, though I would like to know. Honestly and simply, I want to put a stop to it. My social brain isn’t strong enough to figure out how to do that, so I’m asking for advice here. I genuinely need the help.
I don’t want to be badgered anymore. I don’t want to be anyone’s punching bag when they get nervous. I don’t want people to make up problems and insults to throw at me when I introduce them to each other. I just want respect.
In case it’s a consequence of my personality, I’m going to use this paragraph to explain what my personality is like, but if there’s a cure-all fix then please skip this. Pretty much since childhood I’ve presented myself as having good intentions, but I really beat to my own drum and didn’t mesh well with others. I’ve noticed a lot over time that outwardly I’ve developed a “class clown” type of personality – I used to be pretty funny and I’m not afraid to make myself the butt of a joke – though I’ve noticed sometimes things I say don’t land. Inwardly I’m very principled and work crazy hard, but I try not to show this aspect of myself off to others. I’m not the most emotionally stable either, and I talk a lot to other people about my feelings. Socially, like I said, I don’t feel like I was built with the same mold as most humans. There are some things and behaviors I notice other people doing that I straight up try to avoid. I think the most problematic one that filtered out my friend group quite a bit is that I’m not confident in my ability to plan meetups, and *usually* wait until someone else hits me up to do anything. That being said, no one has ever complained about this to me, and I’m lucky to not really have had any trouble meeting people despite it. Honestly the opposite – compared to what I hear about other guys in their late 20s, I’ve had crazy good fortune with making and maintain friendships.
Historically, as a kid, I thought that this happened to me because I was a messy dude with a high-pitched voice. As I got older, and those facets of my personality began to change, I just figured it was because I would act so goofy – but then I started to see people with similar types of personalities being given respect. Until recently I figured it was because I’m not great at standing up for myself, but I’m starting to think that’s not the case either. I say “bad at standing up for myself” not necessarily because incapable of defending myself, but because I can’t always do it correctly. I’m not sharp enough to always catch the difference between an insult and a jab, and usually once I realize I’ve been done dirty and think of something to say, the conversation has completely moved on. Sometimes in these cases I’ll talk to the offender after, but obviously that hasn’t helped me much. And of course, sometimes I do put a stop to it. All that in consideration, I know guys who would crumble when confronted who don’t have this problem at all. Even if being bad at standing up for myself is the cause of my problem, I wouldn’t know the first thing about trying to fix that.
I’ve said a lot and I’ll end it by saying one last thing. I know the default response any decent human would have is “get better friends,” but I don’t think that’s a fix. I’ve changed cities and friend groups before, and all it led to was me rebuilding a life where people treat me the exact same. There’s a reason that this keeps happening regardless of where I am in life, and it’s going to keep happening until I address the issue at its core. I know I need better friends, but I need to *know* that I’m not going to get steamrolled anymore. I need to know that my friends are going to treat me as a human.
3 comments
Hi buddy, I was a dude with the same problems as you, at least in my 20, I’m 30 now and the way I dealt with this is first identifying what type of action makes me angry, or makes me feel bad, at first I simply defended my self with an insult that I considered in the same level that my friend gave to me. But with the time this strategy only brought to me conflict with my dudes. My dudes aren´t bad guys, just they are normal guys, and in the “men world” the insults and the disrespect are normal. In a group of friends I could saw that there is always a “buffon” that is the target of the majority of insults and jokes. You just have to do is tell them in a subtle way that you are not anybody´s buffon.
A little friendly trade of insults aren´t bad. But if the things gone bad, out of control, you have to stop the situation expressing yourself and communicate them how exactly some comment or action makes you feel, and tell them that they have to stop. In my case the way I had to do this was a little more intense, but after that the things gone in a better way. Anyway, I hope that my words can help you, and sorry for my bad english, I’m learning :).
My guess is the part where you play the clown — that disrespects yourself a bit. Also the part where you joke about yourself — same thing, disrespects yourself. Add to that a lack of confidence.
All three of those things signal a lack of self-esteem. People readily pick up on that. It’s probably what’s causing you to attract bullying behavior. The idea being, if YOU don’t think you’re worthy of respect, why would THEY? (To be fair, nice people won’t take advantage of that, but many others will.)
You do recognize that as person you DESERVE a certain amount of respect inherently. That’s true, and I agree with it. But, as long as you’re unconsciously sending signals that you don’t respect yourself, this will continue to be a problem.
That was my exact problem in my group of 2 other friends. I was always the punchline. They had inside jokes. Inside jokes in a group of 2!
Eventually, I just left one of our gaming sessions feeling like crying. That was when one of the friends in the group reached out to me, asking me what was wrong and if it was their fault that I left.
It turns out they did not realise they had crossed a boundary with the jokes! Whereas the other friend was never really a friend and did not apologise.
After telling her how I felt, she instantly stopped making me the clown.
The point is, communication, as ever, is key. To you it is obvious that they are attacking you in malice. But they may think you are in on the joke, however improbable that may be.
So, if it ever happens to you again, confront them calmly, tell them how it feels. If they are good friends, they will respect you and stop. If not, cut contact with them and take care of your emotional wellbeing.
Wishing you the best because getting bullied or picked on in a friend group is among the worst feelings out there!