I (42f) have been married to my husband (43m) for 7 years, together for 12. Sex life started out great – sometimes made even hotter because we both already had children & the ‘sneaking around’. Since then of course the usual has happened – children got older, busier, I got older & fatter, etc.
We are now basically empty nesters (only youngest in the house only half time). Still not much change. I take total responsibility not initiating much. But honestly I get really bored quite often.
Over the years when I initiate I have been trying different things – sex in the kitchen unexpectedly, blow job in the living room, etc. hoping to spark his creativity. But this last year especially it is always the same playbook from him, and not even good. If it DOES get changed up it is only what HE wants at the time.
We are just getting through a pretty significant down spot in our marriage (counseling starts next week). But we ‘made up’ pretty much last weekend. I initiated, took control, made it passionate and loving and freaking awesome. Yay!! Should clue him in right??
Nope. Very next night it was all about him sex again. Last night was AWFUL. He started by going down on me (that’s step #2 in the playbook btw, #1 is rubbing my butt). That itself was not good.
He can get really sensitive when you tell him you’re not pleased with a part of him/his personality. I rarely say anything because he can seem really pouty. Even last night he was dramatic “sorry I shouldn’t have started anything at all” “I’m a real dumpster fire” in that tone that just MAKES a person want to say “oh no it was all right” so he feels better.
Do I text him pages on erogenous zones? Point blank give him step by step instructions? Hints do not work. Doing things first to spark his creativity do not work. I have talked to him in the past but no specific step by step stuff. Doesn’t last long at all. HELP
7 comments
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Get a toy. Ask him to watch you use it. He could have low t (hormones fade he may be less able to have sex or want it less – nothing to do with you just life) or maybe he just is tired. Toys are great for this. Put on a show for him while you have amazing organisms. No one loses there! Try exercising more (you mentioned putting on weight – men are visual creatures) and invite time to exercise with you (more blood flow for him means more boners).
Get his T checked, stat.
-From a woman who had low T and that shit has made me an animal in the bedroom. (49 years old)
Stop dropping hints and tell him directly, explicitly, and encouragingly, what you want/like. Don’t put it in terms of “you aren’t doing this or that”; tell him you love or would love it when he does x, y, z. And don’t do this in the moment.
Some guys have frail egos and everyone likes to be encouraged and hyped up. Boost his ego a bit while telling him what you want.
Maybe tend to other aspects that can support passionate, connected sex like:
* Random touches throughout the day—touch his arm when he’s in the kitchen with you, quick hug before leaving for work, playful ass smack when comes back inside from mowing the yard
* Random sexts—whether he’s at work or at the grocery store, flirty/naughty words are stimulating (even better if a naughty pic is included)
* Randomly pulling up porn—find a hot porn video you like (I watch porn on my iPad) then snuggle in and innocently say, “Found a great video, honey. Wanna watch with me?”
Just tell him what you want. In the moment. Touch me here, do this. Softer. To the left. Don’t let him do something you don’t like. If he still is refusing or starts to get a bad attitude, then he’s not interested in your pleasure or you. And it’s time to reevaluate the marriage.
Sounds like he’s being selfish and then trying to guilt you into feeling bad for not liking it.
If “scheduling” isn’t too much of a mood killer for you try that.
Tell him “Tuesday is your day, do what ever you want to me. Thursday is my day and we’re going to do what I want and how I want it”.
If he doesn’t compromise or won’t play the way you want, cut him off.