It’s becoming increasingly more apparent that everyone believes that my husband married down. His family, his long time friends, even myself. He doesn’t believe this, at least that’s what he tells me, but I can see it and I can feel it from these other people. It’s as if I will never be good enough. I came from the “wrong side of the tracks” if you will. Was homeless when we met as kids and have done everything I can to prove that I deserve to be in this relationship, married to him as well as be happy. But, everytime we get into a group setting a bunch of people find a way to make me feel less than by bringing up stuff from almost 20 years ago…. like how I was just supposed to be the rebound girl, yet I’m still here, that I should tell my stories because those would be really crazy, that I’ve had a few drinks and if I’m okay (when I’ve had far less than anyone else around, but even 1 drink for me just confirms that I’m less than to them). Anyway, it’s constant…. and it’s all the time, and I’m always held to different standards than everyone else . There are phrases like, “not sure why he married you”, “you guys weren’t actually supposed to get married”, etc. It’s been nearly 2 decades, both of our first marriages, we have children together and I try to be at my best ALL THE TIME. Like I literally don’t allow myself to slip up ever. Ever. Yet. I still can’t gain favor or respect for that matter. What the hell is wrong with me?
43 comments
What is wrong is that you’re surrounded by a bunch of horrible, mean, judgmental people. Honestly, if your husband is allowing these things to be said to you by his family and friends, he isn’t as great of a catch as you think. A good partner supports and defends their spouse, and gets upset when they’re insulted in this way. How does he react when people say these things?
I’d pay attention to who’s says this. I bet it’s a handful (or less) of people. Just no one else speaks up in your defense (which sucks). I have a friend who will ask the person to repeat themselves or ask them what they meant by that.and keep going. Make it awkward. Depending on who it is, you need to make it clear that what your friend said isn’t isn’t ok and they are no longer welcome in your presence. If it’s family, you need to talk to your husband about how they talk to you. But, I have a feeling you need to work on your own sense of being good. He chose you. Every day he stays with you. And every day you stay with him. He finds you worthy. Even if you don’t think you are.
What is your husband doing about it?? Why is he keeping these friends around that do nothing but put his partner down?
Nothing at all is wrong with you, you’ve just lived more life than these useless humans. Their ignorance does not in any way diminish your life experience.
No way I would let friends or family talk to my wife like that. They would have been cut off long ago. This is his problem to fix. There’s nothing wrong with you. From now on is someone says something like that tell them I guess you aren’t as smart as you thought your were. Start fighting back. Cause a scene. Make him deal with it.
These people are not your friends. It sounds like your husband loves you and that’s all that matters. You need to love yourself a bit more. You are doing great!
Stop hanging out with those jerks!
My now wife came from the wrong side of the tracks……… 40 yrs later 😀
When my father was dying he admitted to my wife that despite arguments ( both hard headed) that he loved the arguments and her.
Why does your husband not say anything to stop them? These people and “family” are not your people. They are toxic af. There is most likely some jealousy or spite that is a reflection of them. But your spouse should be stopping this, or you guys shouldn’t be seeing these people
This is sad. Not a way to live
It’s basically like I have this giant target on my forehead with everyone. My family, his family, friends, co-workers. I do struggle with my own self worth for obvious reasons, and have my entire life. I definitely hold my worth in what and how much I can do for others and struggle to not feel guilt or shame for having fun, any kind of fun. I am in counseling and have been for 30 years as well. My husband is definitely someone who waits for me to make the first move and all the decisions also. And maybe I am looking too much into it and that’s not what’s really happening, or maybe it is and it is because I’m so hyper aware and almost forcing perfection upon myself it these people presence to fend off their attack. Uggg. I just don’t know. But I do know it’s everywhere and I can’t help but think it’s me, that there’s something wrong with me.
The fact that you are posting this here and that you feel insecure in your relationship is all the proof you need that these people are toxic for your relationship. The sooner you cut them out the better off you will be. If that feels a bit drastic the reality is sometimes you have to take drastic steps to protect the ones and things you love.
Dude. My own mother was from a poor religious military family. My father was from an upper class agnostic well-educated family. The amount of disdain and mockery my parents suffered for my dad’s “marrying down” is absurd. As a kid growing up with that dynamic, your post hits so close to home it makes me want to cry. My mom is AWESOME. She has many hang-ups and insecurities regarding her worth, and I resent everyone who made her feel lesser than. She and my dad are still in love. They are active, happy, still love each other’s company, are involved in their communities. Paternal side of the family is lonely, miserable, distant, and reaping just desserts from a lifetime of valuing the wrong things. My parents are still gracious enough to keep in touch with them, don’t know how they do it.
YMMV, but I really hope someone from that judgemental group will one day have the self-awareness and humility to issue a huge apology and pull a 180 on their behavior toward you. You have nothing to apologize for regarding your background. Their nastiness is about them, not you.
I’m going to go hug my mom this week.
Have you ever spoke up about it to them and if so what did they say? I would have absolutely snapped by now and if they got offended then they aren’t someone I need in my life. Next time they comment about ‘not sure why he married you’, say ‘because he doesn’t judge me based on my past and sees me for the amazing person I truly am.’ These people are shallow trash and you don’t deserve this type of negativity in your life. Honestly, your husband should ALSO be standing up for you. He should be all “I chose her and I wouldn’t have it any other way” or something when they say this toxic trash.
Those people shouldn’t be considered friends by him and he should go LC if his family says disparaging things as well.
Learn to give them back but be very very articulate and don’t be too rude. If you go overboard, they will use it against you.
I’m all for being pragmatic before marriage but once marriage, you both are equal. Dont doubt your husband.
You said in a comment he is non-confrontation type. So may be he hasn’t said but might be wanting you to believe him.
He is committed to you, married you, you are equal.
Those who try to be rude with you. Shut them down. If not much, just say politely and immediately to mind their own business and that you feel sorry for that they don’t have basic manners. Don’t use ove the top words and tone. Be calm and confident.
You being submissive have been making them more agressive, it’s time you stop them
It only matters what your husband thinks of you. The others can take a crap and step in it. You be you. You don’t have to like his family and friends. Just try to love them as best you can. You husband needs to defend when at all times.
The problem is your husband’s friends and family and the fact that he allows them to ever speak to you that way. My husband would absolutely never. I’d tell him that he shuts it down, or I do, and if I do I won’t be nice about it.
The people saying this are jealous that you have such a great relationship. I understand not being confrontational, but at some point he needs to stand up for you, or cut off the people that say this. Tell him just how terrible it makes you feel. If they were commenting on your race or a disability or something, would he not say anything? I also think you need to talk to a therapist about your feelings about your past, because no matter what your background is, you are enough and deserve happiness.
I am the one from the wrong side of the tracks who was homeless in our early dating years. The impostor syndrome hits at times. People tell me to tell my stories… …and I do.
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But the fact is, your husband chose you. My wife chose me. For me, the issue is I let the old lies in my head that I am not enough,etc. I am successful enough. I have a nice career, kids and a wife who love me. My parents told me we would be divorced. Her dad told me we would never last… …and then he ended up divorcing his wife and we are still here.
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If somebody told you some of that crap, they are not your friends. I would excise them from my life like a surgeon a cancer.
I have learned to make people feel very small when they try this crap. When they say you were supposed to be the rebound, I would say, “man, you sure called that one wrong, didn’t you?” “Or ********** sure disagrees on that.” Someone says that they are not sure why he married you. Frankly, I’d just wink at that one. (In fact I have)
He needs to cut those people off or put the in their place and that fact that he hasn’t would piss me off.
The disrespect alone would’ve done it for me.
My husband would shut that shit down real fast! And I would do the same for him. You can be assertive without being confrontational.
This may have nothing to do with you but just thought I’d share it:
Read somewhere once, that mainly in western countries, males marry down and females marry up. Different reasons were given for this but it was concluded that hypergamy was the main reason for this.
Sounds like he comes from the bad family. Money can’t buy class. I wouldn’t associate with that toxicity and the fact that he allows it is a red flag. Tell him to stand up for you or you simply won’t go around them
Dump the friends.
That’s not only rude, it’s totally disrespectful to you and your husband. I am in a similar situation coming from a broken home and never “making” something of myself. My spouse’s family are very achievement and goal oriented. They basically, just talk about work and take passive aggressive swipes at anybody who isn’t considered a “professional”.
I used to go to all of their family functions for my wife’s sake, but now I choose to stay away to avoid conflict. It makes me sad that my wife doesn’t stand up for me. Although, I understand the influence that her parents and their social status have on her. I find it all to be very shallow and superficial, where as she is actually impressed by all the “fancies”, as I call them.
I have to just avoid these situations and try to surround myself with people who like me for who I am. I know it’s easier said than done, but I suggest you stand up for yourself and do the same. Good luck.
>I still can’t gain favor or respect for that matter. What the hell is wrong with me
You keep wanting approval from people who don’t respect you
What’s wrong with you? You’re devaluing yourself in favor of other people’s opinions.
You don’t respect yourself, that’s what’s wrong with you.
You need to find a better support network of friends who can actually see your genuine value and can actually respect you.
This has nothing to do with your marriage, but everything to do with how you view yourself and your self-worth.
The only part of it that’s in relation to your marriage is that because you haven’t provided much self-reassurance, your husband hasn’t tried too hard to give you the emotional reassurance you need from him as a partner.
He doesn’t feel the need to stand up for you because you’re not even standing up for yourself.
Assert yourself. Make more boundaries. Know what you are worth.
I think in your position I would stand up for myself and ask them to reiterate what they said or to explain it more in depth. I’d say things back like “hmm that’s an interesting take that no one asked for..” “oh okay, weird you’re so invested in OUR situation and marriage, but okay then, tell me more..” etc etc. Make them JUST AS UNCOMFORTABLE AS YOU ARE. Then make em even a lil more. Idgaf who I upset. That’s not okay to say shit like that and get a pass. Start handing it right back to them. They’ll eventually stop talking shit or stop coming around. Hopefully the latter. I’m sorry. This is super shitty of these people.
The only way to stop a bully is to stand up to them and bully back
The question is, what is wrong with them? Jealous of you, maybe? People who do that have deep down issues. You know who you are. Your husband loves you. That’s all that matters.
These people are bullies, like schoolyard bullies.
Look, you’ve probably tried to ignore them and that hasn’t worked. Here’s a few tips:
When faced with a setting where they’ll be, dress up slightly more than is needed. I.e. if it’s a jeans event, wear a skirt. It’s a subconscious thing.
Next time they make a comment, just ask genuinely confused and call them out on it. Make then seem crazy to the others.
Don’t fall into their traps. Stop drinking around them (I can’t imagine it’s fun anyway). Don’t swear around them. Swearing is another “low class stereotype”
When they say something completely inappropriate, call them out on it. If they bring up something in the past, say, my husband and I have moved on and been together 20 years. Why do you care so much? Dead serious. Embarrass the shit out of them.
I obviously don’t know you at all, or your situation. As someone who came from a family that struggled financially a lot, I wonder how much of this is you projecting your feelings onto others. I’ve been guilty of that myself A TON over the years. If you believe it yourself, then there’s your problem. If not, and people really do believe that, it’s on them. Nothing you can do to change their shallow minds. If you know it, your husband knows it, that will be enough. Then just don’t make yourself available for those trying to bring you down.
There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with you ❤❤ I’m sorry they are that way, even more so after 20 years! Not the sake thing but my “lovely” MIL still thinks, after nearly 20 years, that i am no good for her son. She is always hortible to me, in this time 2 physical fights she tried to start. Please know you are incredible and nothing matters except what you and the hubbs feel! They arent in your relationship. Are ypu comfortable talkong to your husvand about speaking up to people when they say stuff to you? **Sendong hugs to ya**
And why doesn’t your husband put the Kabosh on that? Heck, why do you even stick around for that?
You are the prize and your husband considers himself lucky to be with you.
> “not sure why he married you”
I’m sorry, but if people say this in front of your husband and he doesn’t say anything, he may not be as great as you think.
Find a new group to hang out with.
1) He married you. If he didn’t want to marry you, he wouldn’t have. Fuck what everyone else thinks, only his opinion truly matters.
2) Does he know about what these other people have said? How does he respond? If someone talked like that to my wife, I’d kick them out of my house.
Nothing is wrong with you except you have chosen to be in the company of people who habitually insult you. Can you make different choices? “I’m leaving now (or please leave my house now), I don’t allow myself to be talked to that way.“. Nobody deserves to be in relationship; we either are or we aren’t. Can you talk with your husband about making new friends and excluding hurtful family from your home?
I was pretty clueless to the snide remarks of my in-laws, but my husband, of course, recognized them and verbally and physically pointed out the door and said they could leave our apartment. That was over 20 years ago, and now they thank me for being myself because there have been a few contrasting in-laws that make me look wonderful!
Sounds to me like YOU married down….Anyone that doesn’t defend his wife, mother of his children doesn’t even deserve to be in the same room as you.
What you will realize the longer you live that people suck not all of them but enough that should give you that “I don’t give a fuck what you think” mentality
4 words my dear. KILL THEM WITH KINDNESS!!
Fuck them. If your husband is happy and all the outside noise doesn’t bother him than that’s all that matters. If you and your husbands marriage is strong and thriving. Fuck them all!
There are a few things to keep in mind.
1.) your husband doesn’t have the same value structure as these people and sees what value you are bringing him.
2.) that being said, we are still discussing a transactional style of relationship
Edit:accidentally hit reply instead of return
3.) he can’t see their judgement of you and you need to point it out
4.) be careful it’s not your own insecurities reading too deeply into what’s being said
In the end, you have to address how you feel. You deserve respect for everyone.
OP, I honestly think my husband married down as well. Trust me – wear that shit like a badge. He wanted *you* and that’s why he married you. Do you trust your husband? If so, trust that he knew what he was doing when he picked you as a life partner and screw everyone else.