My (34F) new partner (31M) is bad in bed. How can I help without bruising his ego?

34 comments

1. Send him to @hunitdaysofsummer Instagram page. Your welcome

2. Your last partner may have been kind of a unicorn! This new guy doesn’t sound particularly bad, just maybe…average? Tbh I have never had a man be able to intuitively know what I want or even really follow direction well. They often use too much pressure and speed during oral and don’t seem to pick up on my body language that I feel like is clearly saying “ow! Slow down!” So, ya know, it is what it is. I think if you feel that this guy is a great match for you in other ways, you might just have to embark on a long journey of teaching him what works for you. As long as he is good-natured about it and genuinely tries to get better! If it never gets better despite him genuinely trying, well… you’ll have to cross that bridge when you come to it, I think.

3. The Man Talks podcast just put out a great episode titled “What Every Man Should Know about Sex.” It would be an easy one to share. The therapist he interviews basically says, look, women’s bodies are complicated—we can’t even figure our own bodies out 100% of the time and no two women have the same interests and needs sexually. It takes a lot of the “you’re bad at this” energy out of it and refocuses it to something more like…this is a unique situation we have to explore and figure out together. Hope that helps.

4. I’ve had so many mind-blowing partners, that were experienced and and skilled in reading me. It’s hard to settle for less when you’ve come to understand how important that type of sex/intimacy is for you. Especially if it affects your desire/attraction for/to them.

   I’ve learned that you can only teach mediocre partners so much. I’ve tried the gentler approach, and it usually doesn’t get better coz they don’t fully understand how much it needs to change. I’ve tried being direct and ripping the band-aid off by saying things along the line of “hey, this sex isn’t working.” The latter has usually yielded better results over time.

5. If he doesn’t listen to a word that you say, there isn’t much that you can do. This seems to be a 100% communication issue. You’re asking, and he’s ignoring you.

   If he doesn’t care to listen to direction, then he doesn’t care about your orgasm.

6. Definitely think you’ve been spoiled but it’s still relatively early in terms of sexual compatibility which is good!

   I think it’s best to express you’re struggling to orgasm (without blaming him – maybe you could say you’re still getting comfortable) and you’d like to try some new things. Try touching kissing dirty talk – everything but penetrative sex. Also I think it’s worth offering a night for his pleasure and a night for yours. Rules are pleasure is entirely focussed on that one partner?

   To be clear I don’t think you should resign yourself to bad sex forever, if you aren’t clicking decide if it’s a dealbreaker for you or not.

7. Honestly, I doubt that you’ll ever guide him into being the sexual partner your ex was, or even halfway there. Qualities like sensitivity to bodily cues and nonverbal communication, sensuality and generosity might not be entirely innate, but they are *very* difficult to change.

   You have to choose what you value in a partner, and since you’ve only dated for three months and you are already sexually frustrated, I don’t see this going much further.

8. You are 34 years old. That other guy you were with is a marvel character, this is a human man. TALK TO HIM. COMMUNICATE.

9. I’ll add from a guy’s experience: one thing that can be confusing for us is that whether we are good in bed can depend on the woman, too. The first woman I was with after my divorce, I could get her to her first orgasm in <10 minutes and it only got better from there. Doing the exact same things to the next woman gave her an experience I can only describe as “anxious boredom”. Different women are different, and the vibe two people have is contextual and arises out of their interaction. It’s entirely possible that the guy you had stellar, multi-orgasmic sex with is struggling to make his new girl orgasm consistently. So the fact that he’s not very finessed may mean that he’s struggling with the fact that you don’t react the way previous experiences have led him to expect. Sexual prowess is a two way street!

   So whatever you say to him, it will help if you put it in a way that doesn’t refer back to other experiences. You can do this while still being direct. “Hey, sex works best for me when XYZ, here’s what that looks like (either demonstrate it for him or send him a link to a video/article/etc”, I need this and this, it would be really hot if you did that.”

10. I feel like your ex is my second bf and your current partner is how my first bf was.

    I was with the first guy for 5 years having pretty bad sex but ugh I still loved the closeness and the sensations even if he wouldn’t take direction well (and eventually he just resented me for it so I stopped saying anything since we were also down to maybe sex 2x a month by then and if I upset him who knows how long it would be before he would initiate again (he didn’t like me initiating)).

    Second bf was honestly amazing. I had a couple hookups in between him and my first partner and they were even more lackluster than my first bf! Haven’t had sex with anyone since but I know now exactly how it feels to realize how important good sex is in a relationship. I am prepared to have to settle for less because I would rather have a relationship but I’m pretty convinced that for some guys teaching can only go so far.

11. Does he know you’re not orgasming?

12. Is he bad or inexperienced? Cause most people in general will understand the importance of feedback and spoiling each other.

    I’m assuming you’ve had the past relationships talk?

13. Being spoiled helps you forget that you’ve got a part to play here.

    Use your words. Outside the bedroom is fine as it has far lower risk of knocking him out of the mood.

    Don’t let him make it about him (because it’s not – it’s about you).

    I’d suggest something like reinforcing everything you enjoy about him first, and then introduce the concept of “I’d really like it if we could try X” where X is the first step on the path towards what you want.

    And then work with him on the specifics.

    Women’s bodies are incredibly diverse in how they respond to pressure differences, rhythm differences, and even location (though obviously the general erogenous zones are good places to start).

    Also, though it doesn’t sound like it’s the case here? Be open to a new approach – as I personally have discovered that me + them equaled a new dynamic than I’d (or they’d) known previously.

    I’ve met folks who are utterly convinced there’s only one way of doing things, and any deviation is “wrong.” And others who thought there was one way but together we discovered many others.

    Though that’s a digression and doesn’t sound like it relates here.

14. Ideally he would just get it but most guys don’t. So it sounds like you’re going to have to break it down for him step by step. Take a few sessions where you verbally guide him but preface it all in a nice, gentle way by reassuring him that it’s not that he’s doing anything wrong, just that you are pretty unique in how you like it. From what you said, I think he will take this direction well. Speaking for guys, we also need a certain chemistry in the room to bring out the best in us and sometimes it’s just not there with some people whereas with other’s it’s inexplicably off the charts from the get go and the sex is amazing. But given your ex scenario, I don’t think the issue is on your side here.

    You mentioned that he is a really great guy whereas your ex might have been a bit of a dick. Though there have been exceptions, the best sex I’ve ever had has generally been with women that have been a little crazy and did not make for good relationships. I don’t know if there is anything to this but damn, if I ever find another great person that is also amazing in bed then I’m certainly going to put my best foot forward there. I actually had someone like that a few months back and I backed away and ruined it for no good reason. Dumbest move ever and I still regret it.

15. Three times every time, for three years?!! MATE. It’s not going to happen again. That was the best sex of your life, end of. You’re going to have to come to terms with that. Grieve a little. I would.

    If you’ve only been seeing this dude for a month – this is still very short amount of time to learn a woman’s body. Shit is complicated. Use your words. I don’t think it’s out of line to suggest some tutorial videos. Could be a fun thing to do together. I’d love it if some woman wanted to write me a road map like that.

16. Is there an attractiveness difference between the two? Was the first one 100% your type and just did it for you?

17. As a man, I will do just about whatever makes my partner orgasm, but women vary greatly. **You will have to communicate and there are ways to do that, that will not hurt his feelings.** First, start with the things that you like and let him know that you like when he does them. Then you want to start with the things that you like but he doesn’t do and ask him to start. Explain to him what feels the best and how you would like it done. If size or stamina are limitations, you don’t need to state that bluntly, but rather ask that the toy always be an option. Don’t be afraid to introduce it early on in the moment, so you guarantee yourself a sexual release. If he cannot handle this conversation or it bruises his ego that’s on him. Some women have a very very difficult time getting off, so even if it’s not with you, he’ll eventually have these sort of conversations. So will the guy before him with some other woman. Again, women vary greatly, to the point that the gifted ex of yours may be just average at getting the next person to the finish line (as hard as that may be to believe).

    What is important is that you can speak to him and be open and make sure you improve this experience for both of you. Trust, if you’re enjoying it he’ll enjoy it much much more.

18. i didn’t have a partner that cared about me climaxing until my early 30s. up until then i had partners who were more into it for them than me…and i thought that was normal! in a lot of ways this is what culture has fed us.

    i never want to go back to having bad sex again. I’m seeing someone i’m super into, i imagine we will have sex in the next few weeks. The first time i saw him i thought, “this guy fucks”, and the way he kisses indicates as much so, here’s to hoping.

    anyway, uh, good luck with that situation, i’ve been poisoned by amazing sex as well, tho I can’t climax multiple times…we tried lol.

19. >There are great videos online about how to give oral, is it too shitty to ask him to watch those with me?

    I would consider that helpful myself, but that doesn’t mean every guy is the same.

20. Have him read “She Comes First”

21. I posted something something very similar to this. There was a guy I was sleeping with (who was NOT emotionally available/boyfriend material) but was amazing at sex, he could make me orgasm basically an infinite amount of times and also loved doing it/always initiated multiple times. He’s the only person who’s ever been able to “edge” me. I asked him once how he did it and he said he learned with an ex, that he looked at my breathing pattern, muscle tone, stomach movements, noises. He was just very, very in tune with nonverbal cues. There was another guys I dated who was just amazing with his hands. He told me that as a teenager even he had been asked if he was cheating because he was so good at it with the first woman he had ever been with. But he was awful at oral so we just never did it. It didn’t really matter to me how I was orgasming, just that I was at all.

    My current boyfriend just is not that in tune like that. But he’s like a 1000% more of the kind of person that I want to be with forever. I did get to a point where I was frustrated from not consistently orgasming with him although it had never been an issue for me in other LTRs so I talked to him about it. It’s been multiple rounds of talking and we’re still working on figuring it out, I did orgasm the last two times we had sex so that was progress. I’ve just had to accept that he’s not as intuitive and I’m going to have to do a lot more explicit verbal teaching (which is kind of hard for me, and my own thing that I’m working on.)

    I bought the book She Comes First, thinking I might give it to him to read (although I feel like it unfairly maligns fingering over oral, the former I actually prefer) but I haven’t yet.

    I think there’s just no shortcut to giving gentle but explicit and repeated verbal feedback. I was listening to this episode on this podcast Sexology about how to give feedback, if you’re interested.

22. I think most guys who care about you want to figure out how to get it right and make sure you’re satisfied in bed. Many of them are open to direction, and would prefer partners to be vocal about what’s working or not verses trying to guess and getting it wrong. It seems like your communication is strong outside of the bedroom, I think he can handle the potential awkwardness if you are gentle and encouraging (don’t ever make comparisons to past partners though!).

    It’s early on so nerves and anxiety could play a part, and he might just be inexperienced/unskilled. I think suggesting things you could do together might take some of the pressure off- attend a class with a local sex educator, watch some videos together, maybe watch some female-positive porn with good techniques, and discuss how that relates to you and your pleasure. Give him a roadmap of what turns you on and gets you off. Show him how you masturbate. If he’s doing something you like, positively reinforce the shit out of that.

    You might also have to adjust your expectations about having multiple orgasms in every session. That was a lucky break lol.

23. “I saw this video and it really turned me on, will you watch it with me?” Then show him any instructional video by Nina Hartley.

24. Sounds like his technique is bad but he ALSO doesn’t listen to your tips? What exactly are you telling him to do? Is it actionable and clear? “Listen to my nonverbal cues more” is not actionable.

    You have to decide if you want to put the work in and how coachable he is. Based on your last partner you should know what you like and be able to spell it out for him. Ball is in your court right now. If he fails to get better even with education, ball is back in his court and you’ll have to decide if mediocre sex is worth his other qualities.

25. If you don’t want to bruise his ego, definitely don’t show him the paragraph about your last partner. 😂

26. If he thinks he’s doing fine it’s not going to improve.

    You’re going to have to bruise his ego at some point.

    Some dudes just didn’t have the opportunity to get tons of practice in.

    And even then, some dudes just aren’t going to be master league StarCraft players no matter how hard they try.

27. Get someone to send him this detailed cunnilingus lesson video or simply watch it together

    https://www.xvideos.com/video531677/milf_hartley_teaches_how_to_eat_pussy

28. Is the issue that he himself climax too fast ?

    That would be difficult to correct….

29. This made me lol so hard.

    That sucks though. I sucked at sex when I was younger, and my much more experienced girlfriend at the time was patient enough to show me the ropes. I have thanked her for that recently(we still chat), because I’m not sure I have the patient to do something similar. It also takes a bit of talent and as you said intuition. Bad sex is really a big part of a relationship, and also kissing. Some women(I’m sure men as well) just have a much more, almost bitter type-flavor of saliva. Maybe they have cavities? I dunno, I dated one girl that just had that taste and it made kissing so unenjoyable, even though I liked them as a person. Anyways, it’s a tough spot to be in. Wishing you the best

30. Speaking as someone who had sex and not only did she not come but after I came and offered to go at her again she said “no don’t worry about me I’m good” that bruised my ego way more than if she had just offered some guidance.

31. It’s only been a month, if you can’t talk to him about it now it will never get better. I think that if he doesn’t improve you should move on and don’t worry too much about his feelings if he isn’t worried about your feelings and pleasing you!

32. Teach the dude!! Tell him what and how you want something. Let him know it pleases you as he gets better.

33. Having to remind the guy you need foreplay is not a great sign imo. Some partners will not improve no matter how patient and communicative you are, so don’t feel obligated to hang on if your needs continue to go unmet.

34. Could always masturbate in front of him so he can figure it out that way. Makes learning hot.