Hi, so I will just quickly introduce myself here, I will be a 20 year old man in a three months. I have quite a lot of friends that I will talk to from time to time and a close circle of friends that I hangout quite a lot. I’m not socially awkward and I have no problems with talking to women (unless I’m really attracted to them, then I’m getting kind of nervous but I guess it’s normal for men). I’m taking care of myself. Some people say that I’m funny (I mean from time to time I can quickly think of a funny joke to say) and from what I’ve heard they enjoy my company.
Through all my life I’ve asked out 6 girls, and all tries of asking out ended up in exactly the same way.
1. I ask out a girl
2. She tells me that she’s interested in someone else
3. She gets a boyfriend in a week or so after I’ve asked her out
Besides feeling like I’m some kind of loop, and feeling from time to time hopeless and thinking that every future girl that I will ask out will say the exact same thing I’m okay. Life goes on and I enjoy my time with friends.
What’s important to this story is that no girl has ever been interested in me in romantical way. Through all my life I met a lot of girls and I got a chance to “present (?idk if it’s the right word)” myself to them so It’s not like I had no chance to talk to women and I’m some kind of undiscovered gem.
I had some time yesterday and today in which I had a chance to ponder why I don’t have a girlfriend. My first thought was that well all those girls I’ve asked out were interested in someone else so it’s only natural that they didn’t want to go out with me and maybe if they weren’t interested in them they’d give me a chance, but on the other hand through all my life I met a lot of women, and I had to chance to talk to them and nothing happened besides having friendly relationships. I’ve never been asked out or I’ve never heard that some girl was interested in me.
So I’ve concluded that maybe I’m just unattractive to women like in a physical sense. But then on the other hand I have some female friends (they’re girlfriends of my friends) that told me that I’m cute or handsome on numerous occasions and they were saying like they meant it. Also I’m unable to objectively tell If i’m good looking or not but for sure I guess I can say that I’m not an ugly ass man so all i guess the argument about looks is also disproved. The only “controversial (?)” thing about my physical appearance is that I’m 5’6 and this might be the thing some women find unattractive but it’s only natural because some women like when their partner is taller than them and it’s fine. And it’s not like every woman that I’ve met had the same preferences for height so I’d say that height isn’t the problem at all.
Then I thought that maybe the problem was the environment (? idk if it’s the right word, again) like maybe girls from my hometown don’t like me or something because they have some prejudices towards me or something like that but I’ve started uni 2 months ago or so and yeah despite getting new cool friends nothing really changed in romantic sense so again it’s not that.
Then there were some other thoughts like in example about personal hygiene but then the same thing I could just disprove that in my head because well I’m taking good care of myself.
So basically I was just arguing with myself and finding arguments why I don’t have a girlfriend but I couldn’t really find a logical one.
**And don’t get me wrong – I don’t think I am perfect and I’m whining here about women that they don’t see the beautiful hidden gem I am.**
I know that It must be something to do with me, because well I’ve met quite a share lot of women and it’s not like they’re all wrong and they don’t see how good of a man I am.
But I have no idea how to find my red flags or anything that is that a “dealbreaker”because they might be just a natural thing for me or something like that.
Because well If i was unsociable the solution would be pretty simple – go out talk to people etc. If i had no friends the solution would be also easier to find. And as I’ve explained in my introduction those “simple” things are not the problem and it must be something more complicated.
Also I feel like I’m running out of time to find a girlfriend. I mean sure I’m almost 20 so I”m young etc. But I feel like I should have at least some romantic experience so far at this age but sadly I have none.
Yeah so this is the end of this post, also english is my 2nd language so I might have done some grammar or spelling mistakes. If anything is unclear don’t hesitate to ask because I will reply. It took me quite a while to write it all down so it might be messy so yeah some things might happen to be unclear. (also if you find something really controversial be sure to ask if it’s really what I mean because I’m afraid that I’ve put something into stronger words than I should have or something like that)
***TL;DR I think that women don’t approach me because I have some kind of a red flag, but i’m not able to find it myself or i don’t know a way on how to do it and also i don’t think the advice is as simple as “go out” “be nicer”.***
Thanks for help.
3 comments
Sounds like you’re young, don’t have a large sample size, and just got unlucky. All six girls you asked out were interested in someone else. And that looks to be true, as they got involved with someone else very soon thereafter. You should probably just get to know more women and ask more women out. There’s no clear evidence you are doing something wrong, you just haven’t done the right thing enough. Although you can ask your friends if they have spotted anything about you that they think might be an issue or something you could improve.
As a woman I advise my guy friends to show an interest in women, she can feel just as uncertain if you just want to be friends and there’s kind of a societal norm that guys should do the asking. Don’t have to be weird, just keep on making friendships with women and if you meet one you like, ask her if you can take her on a date sometime. Female friends shouldn’t be discounted – they have single friends even if they’re just into someone else already, it’s probably the easiest way to meet women romantically (house parties, night out for a female friend’s birthday). Most women are also willing to be brutally honest with their guy friends if it’s welcomed so they will usually be willing to tell you if you’re not putting your best foot forward in some way. I also feel much safer with a new guy if he has platonic female friends so it speaks well of you to potential dates (makes me think you’re not making the usual mistake of being obnoxiously entitled when approaching women, probably in an effort to project confidence, it’s a good sign that these women want to be friends with you).
Bet you’ve broken a few hearts without knowing it, these friends you have. Some guys are kind of dense about flirting signals unless you’re literally throwing yourself at him or something. 🙂
Six is a very small sample size. Like when I was active on OKC I’d usually try to send 5 thoughtful, sincere, edited messages *per day.*
The truth is that unless you’re hiding a *really* glaring personality defect, you sound fine. Like you’re clearly doing a realistic job of looking at yourself, at least physically, and you’re not embittering yourself over being less than perfect (e.g. you’re not particularly tall and you’re just like ‘yeah sure I don’t need everyone to be into that,’ this is a lot better than most men your age and height handle it tbh!). You *have* female friends that are just friends that you hold normal conversations with, which is like…honestly most red flags for men are the sort of things that scare off platonic female friends as well.
Again unless you have some really odd personality defect like railroading conversations or jumping to sex way too fast (things we can often tolerate in platonic friends but wouldn’t from romantic partners), I think you just need to keep trying. Other than just trying to keep an active, aggressive mindset, I don’t think there’s anything for you to do at a major level. There’s minor *polishing* stuff you can do, like dressing better and working out and fixing your posture and such. But that’s polishing. Just keep trying. Again you’ve made a *genuinely* flattering portrait of yourself here, you come across as humble and patient and interested, those are all good attributes you shouldn’t change them.