Hey all, new to this sub so thank you in advance for any commentary and advice.
I met a girl through a dating app and all went well. We met up twice and she’s a very chill, kind person that I do like. She wasn’t exactly my “type”, but certainly physically attractive enough by my standards for intimate activity.
However, her PTSD got me scared. She was raped multiple times in the past. I didn’t pry for excessive details as I didn’t want to make her uncomfortable. She was very nice and willing to discuss it at a certain level of specificity. And for the sake of her anonymity I won’t go into details.
I have never dealt with anything like that before. I have to remind myself that twisted, malicious men still sexually assault and rape women. I just don’t interact or know anyone that would ever do that. So, I was at a loss for how to deal with that entirely.
Her PTSD seems to manifest in mostly minor ways. But it is a daily part of her life that she has a variety of coping mechanisms for, all of which are healthy (therapy, service animal, etc.). She does need that daily support though is what I gained from our conversation.
I thought about it, and I feel so horrible for her, but knowing myself I don’t think I can take on that kind of burden in a relationship. And if I committed, then I feel like I would be doing a disservice to both her and myself by pretending or being unhappy with managing those issues as a partner. It’s just not my expertise and so foreign to me and I would feel absolutely awful if I did anything that triggered those heavy emotions.
Moreover, and much more minor, we didn’t have a ton of overlap in mutual interests. We related in our general, more relaxed demeanor and our view of people and “the world” as a whole.
I know I mostly answered my own question. But I’ve been overthinking constantly and want to learn other people’s opinions. Right now I’m leaning towards avoiding dating people that have been through severe trauma. It’s incredibly sad and 99% of the time not their fault, but I don’t think it’s something I can deal with and I think most people in that situation need someone long-term that understands it or at least understands the total emotional impact that it has.
So yeah, she was quite eager to continue seeing each other and I, as respectfully as possible, was honest and told her I don’t think it would work for me. I forgot how shitty it feels to turn someone down…much easier being turned down in my opinion.
Sorry for the novel, thanks for any input/advice!
9 comments
It’s a huge burden. Move on
Let it go man, you are doing the right thing. It’s not the PTSD, it’s you realize you would not be right for her.
As a woman, and I don’t know her side of the story or her emotions about it, but based on your words, I think you made the right call. If you recognize this is something you truly cannot deal with long term, then it is best for you to end it sooner than later. It doesn’t make the sting of a breakup less painful but it does make it a bit easier now versus years and years of invested time in a relationship issues that you know you were not ready to deal with.
I will say that as you continue with life, there will be many and I do mean many people who deal with mental health issues. I have noticed that as I have dated around. PTSD looks different and will manifest itself is weird ways.
Best of luck to you. 😊
I don’t know how old you are so keep in mind that my response comes from a 35(F).
Everyone has some kind of trauma / baggage at this point. I’m looking at it from the perspective that she was upfront and honest with you and that you actually knew what you were getting into from the beginning. Most people aren’t that forward with this kind of thing. I looked it up because I was curious, and it turns out that 24.8% of women in the US have experienced completed or attempted rape during their lifetime.
I was diagnosed with PTSD in 2014 and I can tell you that while I’m not perfect, it has gotten much better and seems to continue to do so with time and by using some of the coping mechanisms you mentioned that she’s actually doing instead of just stuffing it down.
To each their own. She sounds like a keeper.
I can understand, I’m dating a guy and he told me he has autism, OCD, and he told me at one point he had so much anxiety he couldn’t leave his home. It kind of scared me because I didn’t understand what autism was, if I could handle dating someone like that, and I was worried I might say or do something that would bother him. But what made me feel better is that I did a shit ton of research on autism and we are also pretty similar, think the same in many ways, and have similar experiences. So I decided to stay because I really like this guy and he’s the most amazing man I’ve ever met so if anything happens I can handle it. But if you truly feel like you can’t handle it then you did the right thing to leave and hopefully she finds a man who can handle that
In* weird ways.
What do you mean by she needs that daily support? Like what exactly would that daily support from a boyfriend look like for her?
Can we try to get away from calling the act of supporting someone with PTSD a burden? Is it something you know you’re not capable of & not wanting? Yes. Say it like that and just leave it at that. It is entirely your prerogative to decide what you want and don’t want in a relationship, and it’s ok for you to not want to be with someone who will require more support throughout your relationship. It doesn’t mean they’re a burden.
By knowing what you need deep down and stepping aside, you’re leaving room for someone to love and support her in the way she needs.
After two dates, you have the right to stop seeing someone for any reason as long as you’re respectful about it. It’s not relevant whether it’s their “fault”.