Curious how married Reddit has dealt with this? I’m newly married so I’m interesting in perspective on this. My family is much closer than his family so we often have small get togethers (family lunches, birthdays etc.) not very often but maybe once or twice each quarter. Sometimes a bit more or sometimes a bit less. And he would just rather not come. I sometimes convince him and he’ll come but his default is to say no. And I hate going to the events with our toddler and making excuses like ‘he had extra work’. It’s important to me that we show up together. Even to our child’s friends’ birthday parties (not always but whenever we’re able, why not?). In our country we’re married pretty young so it’s always nice to at least sometimes be around other parents. Doesn’t happen often for us.
28 comments
Compromise would be he come once in every while. Forcing or trying to convince him to go to a place he dont want to go is a bad idea. Maybe he doesnt like your family and dont want to tell you or he just an introvert. Accept him for who he is. Only other option is compromise thats about it
I refuse to meet a part of my husbands family, including his mother and some of his siblings. How do we navigate this? He accepts it. That’s it. Acceptance. It’s my decision and he respects it.
I would talk to him about it, and see if you can compromise. Maybe he can go to more important events, like birthdays, and skip out on others. I wouldn’t push kids birthday parties as must-do-together events unless his own friends will be there.
It’s a compromise.
Pick and choose which family events are important for him to attend with you and leave the rest up to his leisure to go or not. It’s a compromise.
Now for the friends children birthday, he does need to go for those whenever it’s possible bc that’s part of parenting.
My BiL is like this. I’ve been with my husband for 10 years and have never really spent time with my BiL. His wife, my husband’s sister, comes to all family events with their child but her husband never comes. We live 5 minutes away and my SiL is a really good friend of mine. We go on vacations together, we work out 3-5 times a week, and at least twice a month we get the kids together for a fun day. Her husband is nowhere to be seen. I might get a friendly wave, or he might come pick up his kid from my house, but that’s about it 99% of the time. He just feels like he has a family and plenty of friends and isn’t looking to add.
My advice is love the person you married. Don’t lie to your family just “yeah husband wasn’t feeling social today. How are you doing?” They will get used to it
What would be the draw for him to go? Does your family do things to involve him?
We used to live close to my wife’s family and they would have frequent dinners. Sometimes weekly. I got to where I would go for dinner, then leave, but let her stay as long as she wanted. For me, they were often incredibly boring. The majority of the conversations were about their family, old events, relatives, etc.. I would end up sitting there for hours listening to stories about people I didn’t know, events that had nothing to do with me, and stories that made no sense because I didn’t know any of the background.
I did however make it a point to go to any big holidays or major events as well as anytime it was really important to my wife.
it’s your family not his. he married you not them. he is not obligated to go
He should be attending your family events, the same way you’d attend his family events!
He may not be used to family get togethers or he may be very introverted and not like going out. But in my opinion, this is part of marriage. If he always stays home, he’s going to isolate himself from your family rather than be a part of the family.
That being said, you need to talk to him and come up with a compromise. Which family events are important for him to attend and which ones he can skip of he wants to!
Just curious if you’ve ever felt what he is experiencing. Unless you have, then you won’t know what it’s like.
My Bil is a giant piece of shit, so I stopped coming around. Not saying this is the case, but does he have any reasons?
It’s sounds like he has nothing in common with the males in your family or they don’t make him feel welcome.
Plus the events you mention are not major events. Actually they sound like events for the moms and kids.
My husband doesn’t like getting together either. My family is much closer and I don’t make it him go. He has social anxiety and is an introvert so I don’t torture him. He will occasionally for Christmas but not very often.
Leave the kid with him if he refuses to go.
I’m your husband in our relationship. My husband’s extended family all live nearby and while it was normal/pleasant for my husband, it was too much for me and I was not interested in hanging out with his aunt and second cousin monthly.
We talked it over and it basically came down to I hang with his immediate family regularly, and extended family 1x a year. He can go to the extended family things as much as he’d like, of course, I’ll go if I’m in the mood too. I’d just talk about it – it’s not really a big deal for us.
The ideal situation is that he’d want to go with you. However, he doesn’t want to go.
Have you thought about why it’s important for you to show up together? Most of the time, it’s due to worrying about what other people think or would think if he didn’t show up every time.
I’m not a fan of forcing a partner to socialize. I would pick a few events that were especially important to me, and ask my partner to attend those. Ultimately, I would respect my partner’s decision not to go. I’m not saying I wouldn’t be a bit disappointed or irritated but I’d let it go.
I avoid Thanksgiving and Christmas with my husband’s family. I don’t celebrate those festivals. To be honest, I feel weird about celebrating genocide and consumerism. But they don’t need to have me shit on their festivities. So he visits them during those times, with our child. He totally understands. I visit them at least once a year during a less chaotic time. I am sure they find it at least slightly odd but they respect my choice.
My husband doesn’t like to go to events at my family’s houses, nor going out in general much. The expectation is clear between us that he is to come when we go for big holidays, so 1-2x/year. Other than that, it’s usually me and the kids. It’s definitely better not to make excuses for him. Figure out an honest enough reason that doesn’t look too bad on him, and use it as a default response. My close family knows better than to expect him at this point. If other people ask, I just tell them he’s a homebody, and/or that he is in an early schedule and doesn’t go out in the evening. I’ve realized this is one thing that wasn’t worth fighting, because he doesn’t relax there, and then wants to leave after a very short amount of time compared to what I want to stay. Does it make me sad? Yeah, a little. I would like my family to matter to him. (To me, I expect a person to be happy to spend time with people who matter to them.) Me expecting him to stay home tempers that sadness though. He doesn’t really spend much more time than that with his own family either. This is an area I hadn’t realized our values were this different prior to marriage. Now I feel it is up to me to give my kids the example I want about socializing with loved ones.
Have you talked about why specifically he doesn’t want to go to your family parties? Does he maybe not get along with a specific person or feel unwelcome?
My relationship with my MIL has gotten progressively worse over the years. She oversteps my boundaries, undermines my parenting choices, and is very cliquey with her daughters. I find her very difficult to be around, and prefer to not be around her. I agree, it’s good to present as a united couple…but if it was important to my husband to still see her frequently, I wouldn’t stop him and would encourage him to go on his own.
What do you do at these events?
Sometimes my SIL makes it and sometimes she doesn’t. My family don’t ask questions about where she is, other than how she is and sending her our love. We don’t feel entitled to her time and effort. And we don’t feel she has to justify her time to us. If she wants to show up, cool! If not, that’s also perfectly fine. Our other SIL is always present. And we appreciate her effort and love her just the same
Maybe your husband feels pressured and it puts him off being there? I totally understand that it gets tiresome having to explain to your family where he is etc
I’ve been married 20 years and I’m just now getting to the point where I don’t give a crap about attending my husband’s family events. I forced myself to do it for so long, and every time, I was just miserable and tense.
I just don’t care anymore. His family is ok, but I only get so much time off work or time to myself that there is no way I can justify spending a day (or multiple days) feeling uncomfortable, annoyed, and having to sit around and exchange niceties with people. My time is extremely valuable to me.
I’m not doing it anymore.
I’m kind of surprised at the consensus here that OPs husband is under no “obligation”, and that nobody should endure the boredom of a different family. I dissent. You marry to share your lives. This needn’t be absolute but his lack of involvement with OPs family falls well short of sharing a most meaningful part of life. Hey, if you are bored, try to understand the in-laws. For the sake of your kids become part of a new family.
I hated this!! Bc after 2/3 events- everyone knows he’s just evading… it’s only going to create divides between family members who take it personally and that’s husbands choice to risk. Have you ever tried leaving the kid with dad? Why do you always have the kid? Maybe make some of those times he doesn’t want to go, special dad and child days.
I know you’re uncomfortable about showing up without him but you can’t force him to attend and give ultimatums bc that will only create rifts and divides in your relationship.
I tend to go to many places alone. I am significantly more social than him. He understand that I need to be out and about. He is introverted and likes his alone time. I understand this and leave him be. We do couple things too. But I go way more places without him than with him and it works for us. Married 3 decades and counting.
I have friends that are a married couple. They’re both social but his battery runs out much sooner than hers. Often they’ll both come but he leaves earlier, or he goes into other rooms alone for a bit to take a break and recharge. Maybe that could be a compromise for you and your husband. It works for them and none of us have a problem with it either. He doesn’t have to attend everything though.
Depends on why be doesn’t want to go?? And has he always not gone or is this new?? Either way don’t lie, just say he didn’t want to come or he’s at home, etc.
My husbands family was like yours, and I tried to participate, but it became to be too much. I know realize it became too much and forced when I started feeling something was off in my gut. I stayed away for years until we divorced. My gut was right and he was cheating. So it seems their family events are all about show and tell mostly etc.
When you do convince him to come along, does he enjoy himself?