I lost count of what date it was (#5, 6, idk) and I asked her if she had ever cheated on a partner before. She said “yes, because there was no sex in the relationship.”
She didn’t provide context of how long ago this was and she said she would never do it again but I have a hard time believing that.
Am I being too harsh in thinking that’s a pretty big red flag? (And that I don’t want to see her anymore because of this?)
She didn’t communicate her needs to her partner and had a fling with someone else while in the relationship.
25 comments
You’re entitled to have whatever boundaries and standards you want for a relationship. This would be a huge red flag for me as well.
I have learned from previous experience that once they are a cheater, they will continue to cheat. Huge red flag for me.
Definitely a orange flag for me, and once known, I would absolutely request them to explain the situation to my satisfaction.
You can either believe “once a cheater, always a cheater” or allow them to explain the circumstances, see if they genuinely own the mistake, and express what self-work they’ve done to make the mistake a one-time thing.
Being honest about it to you is a good thing; she didn’t have to admit to it (even if she decided to never do it again).
Anecdotally, I’ve known somewhere like 6-7 people who have cheated on partners (emotionally and/or physically); more than half of them either have significant moral failings or mental health / personality disorders… (in my estimation); I’d say that if given the opportunity, situation or temptation, these same people would absolutely cheat again.
I don’t know , I give her points for honesty
I’d say that’s a red flag. Getting more context on the situation is absolutely your choice, but honestly there’s no excuse to cheating. If there was no sex and she wasn’t happy, the option to leave without shattering someone’s trust and leaving trauma (because-ya know- cheating fucks people up) was always available. She just chose not to.
Moving forward is entirely up to you. Personally, the only way I’d *minutely consider it* is dependant upon her attitude. Is she remorseful? Did she come clean to her ex? Or did she hide it and the ex found out themselves? Therapy? Overall betterment from their past self?
Honestly, me personally…
I would be more concerned about her SECOND statement. “Well, I don’t communicate my needs” big yikes. HUGE yikes. Communication is so so important.
Cheating happens a lot and can be overcome with work. But trying to change someone who is convinced someone won’t meet their needs and do whatever they want because of that is a big yikes.
Huge red flag that she is openly admitting to and and justifying it.
OPINON: She either knows that her delivery is off-putting, to say the least OR she is genuinely oblivious on how that would strike you. If she knows, this may her grooming you to be her next x.
>she said she would never do it again
If any reason was good enough for her to cheat once, why wouldn’t the same or another reason be good enough for a next time? Not enough or no sex means breakup, not start cheating on your partner.
Her honesty earns her FWB / hookup only imo, not relationship material.
I don’t think cheating is 100% a red flag.
It is when they say things like “because there was no sex” instead of “I was too immature to voice my needs and concerns in the relationship”.
See I would never date someone who’s cheated on somebody bc I’ve been cheated on and it gave me like micro-ptsd. I had nightmares afterwards and I don’t think I’m enough for anybody anymore.
What strikes me as odd is she went straight to justifying it. If she said she cheated and knew it was wrong and there was no excuse then depending on the person there’s something to work with. However she just went, “Oh bc there was no sex.” What if you become ill for a period of time and can’t have sex with her? Or what if you’re away from each other for an extended period of time? Then what?
to each their own
personally I think only sociopaths cheat. I could never do that to someone
This is a huge red flag. You can try to pick her brain about the details but someone simply saying “they will never do it again” is not enough reassurance for me. Do other parts of her life show how she is learned and grown from that situation? Better to cut it off now if you don’t think it’s worth it to see for yourself.
Honesty is not a red flag. If you can’t handle answers like a mature adult, dont ask the questions. She could’ve lied and how would you know?
[red flag](https://images.app.goo.gl/CosXHXjvR6N8SVdc8)
Cheating “because there was no sex” would be a red flag for me. Not only did she cheat, but she hasn’t even accepted full responsibility, which makes repeating her offense more likely.
She denied the sex. Unless the guy was hyper religious about sex before marriage, she 100% lying. There was no sex in the relationship because she didn’t give it to him. You need to eject this woman from your life ASAP.
“I asked her if she had ever cheated on a partner before. She said “yes, because there was no sex in the relationship.”
“She didn’t provide context of how long ago this was and she said she would never do it again but I have a hard time believing that.”
In some ways it sounds like you are “cherry picking” her answers.
You are ignoring she was *honest* with you about cheating. That deserves some credit in itself!
Most people who are trying to impress someone or win them over would probably lie.
Secondly, it sounds as if *you didn’t ask her* for more context or inquire more as to why she knows it’s something she wouldn’t do again and what she learned from that experience.
My guess if you had asked her more questions, she would have answered them.
Most likely there is more to it than her not communicating her needs. He may not have been receptive or cared enough to notice and ask her if she was pleased.
There’s no real “justification” for cheating but some folks prefer it to breaking up at the time.
The goal of most cheaters is to add to or complement what they already have.
Very few cheaters are looking to replace one relationship with another.
She may have come to regret staying in a relationship which she wasn’t sexually satisfied in.
You hear about people who became *emotionally invested* with someone before ever having sex.
Some people believe “sexual incompatibility” isn’t a good enough reason to break up.
When you realize someone is *unable/unwilling* to meet your needs it’s best to move on.
No one can undo their past. Some people learn lessons the hard way.
If it’s possible for someone to become an ex-smoker, ex-drinker, or ex-drug user it stands to reason it makes no sense to believe that once a person cheats, they are doomed for life!
***”Every saint has a past, and every sinner has a future.”*** – Oscar Wilde
***”Infatuation is when you find someone absolutely perfect. Love is when you realize they aren’t perfect, and it doesn’t matter.”*** – Unknown
***”The longer you live in the past, the less future you have to enjoy.”*** – Robert Tew
Best wishes!
I would never date someone who has cheated before. Some people can justify anything they want to do. If you can mind fuck yourself into thinking cheating is okay, I don’t want to know what other toxic shit is going to end up happening. It would tell me that we see life pretty differently and have completely different values.
The way I see it is cheaters and liars are cowards and I don’t want to be with a coward. Do you?
Based off a lot of these responses, I’m going to assume the majority of the replies are from younger people.
I’ve never cheated, but I have done some shitty things and I have learned from those mistakes every time and I no longer make them. I personally have dated partners who had cheated in the past because I expect them to also have learned from their mistakes and matured as I have.
Do you have a reason to be cautious? Absolutely you do. But to expect the worst from every single human that has a history of doing a bad thing is kind of silly imo, you’re setting yourself up for failure already and you’re not even in a relationship ship yet. This is the kind of thing that will make you overthink things and end up sabotaging it all yourself.
Na, she belongs to the streets.
If someone is honest and has integrity they end the relationship that isn’t working before they get with someone else
Cheating is a red flag
Honesty is a green flag
Cancels out I think
There is no possibility people learn from previous mistakes. There is no growth in human beings. Absolutely.
Come on. You can do better than that. Nobody I repeat nobody is perfect.
I’m old, so keep that in mind. I cheated in my 20’s. Married at 30, madly in love with my husband. Still it didn’t work out. Somewhere about that time I made a decision to never cheat again. And even tho that husband cheated I didn’t. And I never have since. I think context matters. Also, one person’s definition of cheating won’t always be the same as another’s person definition. We do things differently when we’re young and stupid.
Stop dating her. There are much betters girls out there. She doesn’t seem to have any regrets and puts the blame on her partner to justify her own bad behavior. She seems like a person who’s incapable to communicate in a relationship. There are no excuses to cheat in any kind of relationship.
The fact you’re asking this on a forum means you are worried and doubting about it. This also says enough.