My (23M) girlfriend (23F) and I have been dating for over 2 years. We met on a dating app and chatted for months before meeting up for the first time (started chatting when COVID popped off). The conversation flowed and was easy and it felt “close” before we even met. I have had a pretty long romantic and sexual history, she has had a few relationships but wasn’t really sexually active. Never got “all the way” with anyone because she didn’t feel it was right with the person.
When we met I wasn’t avidly chasing a relationship, I was just “playing the field” and dating to see what was out there… but we both seemed to feel a pretty instant connection and after several dates we put a label on it. We had sex relatively shortly after and it was romantic as all hell. I felt very in love quite quickly. She did too.
It felt very natural. I felt like I had a best friend and A PARTNER. I am mildly neurodivergent and I felt accepted and secure and at peace. I felt understood. We experienced similar things growing up, we had similar strifes and had similar points of view. It felt, honestly, like I had found the “one”. However, due to previous lessons learned in relationships… I went into this relationship feeling deadset on open communication and effort.
I find often that people leave things unsaid in relationships and it leads to complication/resentment. It’s easier to maintain a relationship and overcome struggles when active and open communication is occurring – obviously. I have had an issue in relationships where I think things will be okay and then end up being blindsided by shit… so I like knowing where my partner’s head is at. I’ve dated girls that don’t know how to communicate or didn’t communicate everything and it’s led to bad things. I’ve been cheated on. I’ve been left for the guy I was told “not to worry about”. I have relationship trauma for sure.
There was a lot of love and communication. A lot of good memories. We have our baggage with mental health, as a lot do, but have actively worked on it and improved over time. We had one tiff when we first started dating bc I was crazy busy with work and she wanted to hang out a lot when I needed alone time, but we talked healthily and got through it with healthy boundaries.
Things seemed effortless because we were putting effort into our relationship in healthy ways. (Reader Beware: This is where it may have gone wrong)
Over the past year or so in our relationship we have settled into a routine. We work a lot and have a couple nights a week where we hang out. Usually, we would watch something, get a bite to eat, chat, have sex and go to sleep, etc. We would go to an outing once or twice a month with friends, and we would go out on a nice date like once a month (when I could afford it, I’m not made of money – and she understood). Frankly, I felt the routine was getting slightly old as of lately, and she probably did as well. Come over to my place, go over to hers, and it was a comfortable but also somewhat repetitive routine of all of the above.
However, I didn’t see how it was unlike lots of other relationships. We hung out and chilled, did our own thing, and supported each other with our passions (me going to art shows she was exhibiting at, she would encourage me to take chances on applying to new jobs related to my interests I didn’t feel confident enough to be hired for – only to get hired, etc), while making each other feel loves and appreciated along the way.
Over the past few months I’ve noticed some slight distance between us, and it was troubling. I tried to talk through it but sometimes felt like I didn’t have the words. I figured maybe we were just leaving that honeymoon phase; we didn’t have sex as frequently, we weren’t up each other’s ass constantly or anything (not that we were before, but you know..) but I felt this was a natural part of a long term relationship and I loved this girl a lot. I was committed. We had a few talks and lots of what I got in response was that she was on an antidepressant now, and that she loves me the same but can feel off sometimes (sex drive especially), and I supported her knowing I felt the same things when I once took the same medication.
We had a talk about 2 months back that was tense, and I realized maybe I wasn’t putting enough effort into making her feel special (we had that routine…). We talked about our relationship from a more zoomed-out point of view. I don’t remember exactly what was said. I felt our relationship might be at risk if I didn’t “spice things up”. At this point, we weren’t having a lot of sex, and I felt some tension but unsure of the source. Any effort made to figure it out would usually just be “oh work/school has been rough” or “I think it is the meds”.
Fast forward to the past month. We went out to a festival with her dad, I threw her a birthday party she had a great time at my place, we went out to dinner with her parents for her birthday, we went on a few cute dates. Things were looking up. I wanted her to feel special and wanted and reignite the love we had. I didn’t want to lose this girl, and figured it was less something that needed to be said and something that needed to be shown. I felt the same romance we may have been missing, and she seemed very appreciative of it. Things were looking up, or so I thought.
I was blindsided almost 2 weeks ago with a talk saying she wanted to break up. She said she felt she had things she wanted to do on her own. She seemed deadset on it. We were both crying. I took the paintings she made off my walls, handed them to her, we hugged, she said she’d always have a “huge piece of her heart that would love me forever”… and then she left. It felt final… but I had no idea where it came from. I handled it well, but I was whiplashed.
Even worse, she was already messaging me 2-3 hours later saying she regretted it. She was sorry. She wished she could take it back. She wanted to talk again. “Things have been so good lately, why did I mess everything up”. I didn’t know what to do other than have some space to think. I took a few days and we talked without me fully processing what happened. I said I need more communication from her, not to find out about her true feeling after she holds them in and releases them in one stress ball. She agreed. We hung out a few times but didn’t have sex, again being told it was the meds. I understood and didn’t push it. We agreed to get back together but with Open Communication being a necessity.
We talked a bit more over the next couple days. She had confessed that she had made out with a girl at the bar while drunk a couple weeks back (right around her birthday…). She isn’t bi and has stated so but has experimented in the past. I didn’t see it as cheating at first really bc it sounded innocuous and aromantic/not sexual at all. The girl asked her to makeout and said my girlfriend was hot and my girlfriend obliged bc she wanted the girl to have a good night and felt a bit bad for her, she says. I wouldn’t be upset if we were in a healthy relationship. But it’s wearing on me the more I think about it. I saw on her computer way back that she made a post on reddit only a few months into our relationship about a dream she had, she discussed “sometimes I wonder about experiencing other people but it’s just a thought that floats by once in a while”, I brought it up and she said “yeah like a few months in I felt that way and then I didn’t” – over a year and a half since then.
The next day she was set to be going on her yearly trip to visit her girlfriends out of state (it was planned for months, again just poor timing). We agreed to take that time and come back to each other feeling fresh and open to talking and teasing everything out. We went on a beautiful date the night before, and had a great time.
The next day before I was to drive her to the bus station for the trip, she initiated sex. However, she was so anxious about “making it to her bus on time” that it was rushed, it felt tense, it didn’t feel intimate. It gutted me to be honest. It didn’t feel the same. We talked about it and agreed it was poor timing as I wanted to have some intimate stretched-out foreplay and not a quickie, but she didn’t want to leave making me feel “unwanted”… which made me feel worse. It just felt bad.
We are texting “I love you’s” and facetiming while she is away and I still love her to death… but I feel like everything has suddenly become complicated. It has changed. She’s communicating with me while she is away and being more affectionate than has been the norm lately. She has been really saying she wants to work on this and talk it out… but…
My brain is fractalizing our relationship beyond something simple and trusting. My brain is recognizing my failures in past relationships and it feels like some alarm bells are ringing once again. I have one hand that understands how much I love this girl and how good we once communicated, and one hand that remembers all the heartbreak I’ve experienced in similar situations. Where they have checked out before I have, in some of those cases with us getting back together only to end it shortly after. Relationships where I felt they weren’t at the level of relationship maturity to make it through simple hurdles, and they would rather dump it and try their luck with someone else. Maybe they just stopped being into me.
I believe a relationship comes down to caring about and loving the person enough to communicate openly and honestly, and if you feel any hurdles that come your way are able to be cleared with the power of partnerships. I don’t often break up, I often try to talk things out. I have a lot of love to give, but don’t want to be taken for granted.
I love my girlfriend and definitely see a future with her, but at the same time; I don’t know how to feel. I want things to work but I don’t want to feel like a shmuck, reliving lessons that I learned with people I didn’t feel as close to when it doesn’t work out. I’m left wondering if she really loves me or just wants to continue because she feels lonely. I’m left wondering if she is still attracted to me or just finds me comfortable. I feel insecure. Something that can be remedied through talking but is complex. I wonder if my girlfriend is mature enough for the fortitude that goes into maintaining a long-term relationship. I wonder if my girlfriend deep down wants to explore the single life bc the relationship got routine and boring or something.
Things that can be talked through… but I realize I’m emotionally whiplashed. I realize love isn’t all you need… but I feel like I’ve been the one trying to supply the resources. I think this could maybe work out, but she’s away right now and my mind is racing. I’m not sure whether to cut my losses with this girl I thought was my soulmate and deal with the heartbreak and the “what ifs”, or if I should take it easy and feel things out with an open mind and see if things are really changing for the better and that insecurity goes away. That her breaking up was some anxious reaction she regretted and otherwise if we talk through it will turn out okay… knowing where the other is at.
*She comes back in a few days when I pick her up from the station, and she will sleep over and we will talk.* I don’t even know how to act. I love her but I feel like I don’t know where she’s really at with me anymore. She is being loving and affectionate and is avidly open to talking in person when she is back, I think she knows she messed up… but is it because she wants “us” or she doesn’t want to lose “me”. I’m overthinking yet unable to land on a single thought. Things suddenly feel a bit empty in a relationship I valued so heavily. I’m unsure if I can trust her words and it hurts because I have so much love for this person and thought things were alright.
(Unfortunately, I’ve known her to browse similar subreddits sparingly, there’s a non-zero but very unlikely chance she’ll see this and know it’s about her. Despite the cringe, if so: I don’t know what happened, bub, how did we end up here. I wish love was enough.)
**TLDR; Girlfriend of over 2 years breaks up with me, immediately regrets it, and we got back together. Thought it was a mutual partnership with open communication. Feeling emotionally whiplashed because it was unexpected. Things feel different, but I still feel the same about her/committed all the same. I’m overthinking everything now while I wait to talk to her further in person as she is away on a yearly trip.**
*When are things in relationships a hurdle, and when are things in relationships insurmountable?*
*How do I stop overthinking and settle my mind?*
*How does this situation sound like to you, an outsider?*
*What would you do in my situation? What would you say?*
*Have you ever ended a relationship it felt like there may have been a chance of recovering? How do you reconcile your love for someone and your hurt?*
12 comments
A few things. The first is you expressing these things to her in a positive manner. The trust has been damaged and you both need to figure out how to repair.
If you both see this as going forward then couples therapy might be good.
No advice here but good luck my man. You’re better than me.
Yeah, this situation is giving me a lot of red flags. The period of not being interested in sex with you, the making out with a stranger at a bar, and the breaking up only to beg to get back together a couple hours later – this all sounds like someone who was cheating and wanted to date someone else, and broke up with you to make that happen, but was rejected so came crawling back begging for a second chance.
Could be that she just got a crush on someone else and didn’t actually cheat, or I could be totally off the mark, but I wouldn’t feel good about continuing this relationship.
I personally have a pretty strict rule about never getting back together after a break up – especially when there’s no evidence that whatever caused the initial breakup won’t happen again.
She’s really damaged your trust here, and it’s going to take a lot of work on her part to repair it. It shouldn’t be solely on you to create intimacy, she needs to put genuine effort into it herself, not just quickies and “I love you”s. Frankly, the way she’s acting now feels like lovebombing – showering you with attention and affection to ensure you won’t leave her before she’s done with you.
I just don’t think it’s worth the anxiety and paranoia to try to make this work.
I didn’t read any of that but I don’t have to. She cleary was either cheating or broke up with you to cheat so she does not feel guilty and when that fell through she came crawling back. You are her new back-up plan.
This is by far the longest reddit post I’ve ever seen
Its not complicated at all: IMHO She wants to have the benefits of being single with the security of being in a relationship. She knows you’re not the right one but doesn’t want the feeling of being alone.
To me it screams she was cheating and then got rejected by the person she was seeing and when she broke up with you. Another thing is that she is gaslighting you, “if we have a healthy relationship you should be okay with me making out with that girl”. Cheating is cheating regardless of gender, you would be surprised with how many women cheat on their partners with their female friends.
I think you just really need to have this hard conversation with her. Make her explain why she broke up with you in the first place and go from there.
I don’t know isn’t an answer in this case she needs to get down to the nitty gritty of why she left when things were looking up. Once you understand that I think it will be easier to move on from this issue. And definitely have the talk of where you see yourselves in 5 years and shit like that.
Talk about what you both want out of this relationship. I hope whatever happens you guys can be happy; whether that be together or apart.
Maybe losing her is the best source of action or the worst we will never know each side. It would be good if you both separated as it reminds me of a song scared to be lonely, and as you both have had bad relationships before, you both crave the love that you felt in your first few months, maybe the spark ended maybe it’s still glowing, but what I do know is that maybe the best source of action is separation, as when you share memories and trauma with someone you never want to let them go because you feel connected with them. So my advice is maybe she isn’t your soul mate
Why you write so much, it‘s not your diary book
Nope. Don’t ever get back together with an ex.
As they say, measure twice and cut once. She should’ve thought very carefully before dumping you.
When it comes to relationships though, the first cut is the deepest. The fact she ended it will be emblazoned in your mind. There will always be a niggling doubt on whether she wanted you back because she couldn’t get better elsewhere. Instead of being her first choice, you are in fact her second choice in a way.
The fact she changed her mind shows she did not measure twice before making the first cut.
These are bad metaphors but I hope it makes sense.
A real partner worthy of your time wouldn’t have flippantly thrown you away in the first place.
It does sound like your relationship has changed. She changed it. It could very well be she is having an emotional affair with another person. Man or woman. But she has taken her focus off your relationship and put her attention to another. She may view you as a safe bet just in case her new affair does not work out.
The problem is your are shouldering all this not knowing what she is doing.
You might want to step back a bit from her. Tell her you need some space, you two can still talk and hang out but she is more in the “friends zone” for a while.
You also said trust was damaged. That is not good at all. We each (men and women) have an image of what we consider GF/BF material and what we consider wife/husband. It differs for everyone. But one major part is trust and honesty.
If she has affected your trust in her, your relationship will fail.